


Never Let You Go

by Kate_Shepard



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alchera, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Archangel - Freeform, Collector Attack, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Graphic Description of Corpses, Hurt/Comfort, Shakarian - Freeform, Space Diving, omega - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:01:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 69,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6335266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Garrus was aboard the <i>Normandy</i> when the Collectors attacked? What if Shepard didn't get spaced alone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> BioWare owns the Mass Effect universe and all characters. I just play with it for my own entertainment.
> 
> This story is on indefinite hiatus. It continued past its intended end point because my muses just kept talking to me, but then they...stopped and I can't force the inspiration to come, so no promises. If you prefer stories with a set ending, chapter five was the original ending. Chapter ten makes for a good stopping point as well.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let go of the fear, let go of the doubt, let go of the ones who try to bring you down. You're gonna be fine, don't hold it inside. And if you hurt right now, then let it all come out. Breathe, just breathe. Take the world off your shoulders and put it on me. Breathe, just breathe. Let the life that you live be all you need.

“Disengaging FTL drives,” Joker said in the competent, clear voice that told Commander Shepard that he was completely attuned to the task at hand. “Emission sinks active. Board is green. We are running silent.”

“Good job, Joker,” she said, looking down at the galaxy map at the image of the frozen world of Alchera as, ahead in the cockpit, Navigator Pressly resumed his litany of complaints about wasted time. She wasn’t a huge fan of her XO but, in this case, she could understand his frustration. They’d been out here for weeks with only a handful of skirmishes to show for it and almost a week had passed since the last of those. They all knew the geth weren’t the real threat so being stuck on mech cleanup duty was beyond frustrating. Already, Wrex had requested leave to go back to Tuchanka.

The rest had stayed with her, at least for now. Tali would, of course, hunt with her to the last robot before returning to the Migrant Fleet. Liara would stay until they came across an interesting ruin or Prothean data cache and then she’d cast a torn, guilty look between Shepard and whatever it was that caught the asari’s attention and Shepard would tell her to go. Garrus, well, she wasn’t sure how long Garrus was going to remain content down in the now-empty cargo bay by himself when they couldn’t even get enough action to keep him occupied on the Mako. He’d already taken to wandering the halls in a way he never had before. Besides, she also didn’t know how long she could keep up the pretense that their pay was still coming from the Council and not her Spectre pay. The only reason the alien crew had even been allowed to stay on board the vessel is because she was technically still on assignment from the Council. The way she looked at it, the Council paid her and she was subcontracting them. She doubted they’d see it that way, though, and then they’d leave.

Garrus, especially, would balk. His stubborn turian pride would see it as charity rather than pay. She dreaded the day he left but she knew he was itching to start Spectre training. Hell, she didn’t know why they’d even bother training him. He’d been her right hand for months now. She wasn’t one to overstate her capabilities but she doubted he could get any better training than he’d already gotten in the fight against Saren. After that, anything they faced in the future—short of the Reaper invasion her entire crew knew was coming—would be child’s play. Maybe she could get them to assign him to her for evaluation since they already had an established working relationship, she mused.

She was pulled from her thoughts by Joker’s warning, “Brace for evasive maneuvers!” and the shriek of the warning signals going off. She threw herself down the steps that led up to her vantage point as the deck of the ship rolled under her feet. She heard the scream of metal and Pressly’s pained grunt as an amber beam cut through the hull of the ship. They were under attack! Another explosion rocked the ship, sending soldiers flying. “Multiple hull breaches! Weapons offline!” Joker shouted as she struggled to right herself.

Shepard cast a look toward the cockpit where flames were now eating away at parts of her ship and Joker was calling out urgent demands. There was nothing she could do there. Joker was the best damn pilot in the galaxy. She just had to trust him at the helm. Right now, she needed to get to her locker and suit up. She ran down the crazily tilting stairs as he bucked and rolled in a vain attempt to avoid the laser of whatever the hell it was attacking them, cracking her head against the wall but pushing on, until she reached the crew deck. The red emergency lights clicked on as primary power failed and she could smell the acrid scent of smoke. Soldiers ran in all directions. “Evacuate the ship! Everyone to the escape pods now!” she ordered. She’d never been on a ship that was going down in flames before but she didn’t have to be told to know that her beloved _Normandy_ was done for. It was time to save the crew. She heard a scream behind her and the ship jolted as something exploded. She tried to block out the sound and pretend she didn’t recognize the voice. She did, of course. She knew everyone on this ship. If she stopped now, she’d start counting the losses they’d suffered already and there wasn’t time.

She reached the armor locker and suited up as quickly as she could with the ship shaking around her and flames licking at the walls. The smoke burned her nostrils and clung to the back of her throat. She was grateful for the races that she and Garrus had done to see which of them could properly suit up the fastest when she’d received her new armor because every second counted in this situation. She pulled on her gloves and grabbed her helmet, not bothering to don it yet, before sprinting to the back of the bay holding the sleeper pods. Distress beacon. She had to send out the distress beacon and alert the Alliance. Hell, at this point, she’d be happy for any of the Council races. As long as they aren’t slavers or Cerberus, she thought as she activated the distress beacon and donned her helmet.

Behind her, she heard two pairs of pounding feet before Liara called her name. “The distress beacon is ready for launch,” she told her friend. Turning, she saw Liara and Garrus donning their own helmets. The combination of roaring orange flames and steady red lighting cast them in an eerie glow, making them look like a pair of avenging angels.

“Will the Alliance get here in time?” Liara asked.

Another explosion rocked the ship, throwing the three of them off-balance. Shepard grabbed Garrus’ arm to steady him and gave Liara a hand up before answering. “The Alliance won’t abandon us. We just need to hold on. Get everyone onto the escape pods,” she both assured and ordered them as she tossed them a pair of fire extinguishers and grabbed one for herself. Sparks flew, bouncing off of her armor. The heat of the flames was getting worse. She could feel it even through her suit.

“Joker’s still in the cockpit. He won’t evacuate,” Liara told her. Of course he wouldn’t. Joker probably loved this ship even more than she did. It was tearing her apart inside to watch her home burn for the second time but that didn’t mean she was going down with it and she wasn’t going to let Joker do it, either. “I’m not leaving, either,” her friend added stubbornly.

“I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I’ll take care of Joker,” she said as a cable broke loose and swung precariously. Something exploded in front of her and the ship rocked again, throwing her against one of the sleeper pods. Garrus reached out and steadied her as Liara protested. “Go. Now,” she told them.

She could feel Liara’s hesitation even though her helmet didn’t allow a look at her lovely blue face. Garrus had a stubborn set to his shoulders that told her she was in for a fight. She could read him without speech, without even needing to look at his face. She knew them better than anyone. This was the dream team. How many times had they had her back through dangerous situations? How many times had they refused to leave her behind? And now she was telling them to go. She expected a fight, but Liara reluctantly turned and ran. “What are you waiting for?” she asked Garrus when he didn’t follow.

“Liara and Kaidan can handle getting the crew onto the escape pods,” he answered. “I’m coming with you. You don’t know what you’ll find up there. Enemies could have boarded undetected in the chaos and weapons won’t work with the hull breaches. You won’t be able to fight and carry Joker at the same time.”

It was a reasonable argument and made sense. She nodded tersely and he followed her through the blazing mess hall. She felt a rumble as the panel over the escape pods opened and a series of small jolts as the shuttles shot free of the foundering ship. Relief washed over her. It was just the three of them now. They just needed to grab Joker, get him into a pod, and take off. They’d figure everything else out later. She could hear Joker calling out the mayday on the long-range comm. The sound was faint over the angry roar of the flames and the deafening explosions around her.

She stopped in what she thought was the center of the crew deck, trying to get her bearings. Between the odd way the ship was listing and rocking beneath her feet, the growing haze of smoke, and the disquieting way the flames cast their light against the metal walls, she was momentarily disoriented. _This is my ship_ , she reminded herself. She knew this vessel like the back of her hand. Reaching out blindly, she closed her eyes and felt Garrus’ hand in hers. She’d never held his hand like this before but didn’t have time to focus on the sensation aside from noting how glad she was that it was there. Eyes closed, she called up the layout of the ship in her mind and began to jog until she reached the stairwell. The port side was blocked by burning debris and swinging live wires, so she turned and the two of them ran up the starboard ladder, grateful that it was clear. The alarms were louder here even over all of the other noise and they cut into her brain. Her heart was pounding and she felt the familiar flow of adrenaline as the doors opened with an abnormal hiss. Why the hell would there be wind on a spaceship? She got her answer when she stepped through the doorway.

“Damn,” she heard Garrus mutter as they both stopped in shock. The hull had been entirely ripped away in multiple locations. The biggest of the breaches exposed the entire bridge and, where metal ceiling and snaking cables had once been, she could now see stars. The nearby planet glowed like a moon. She had just been standing here looking at the galaxy map only a few minutes before. Now the entire place seemed foreign.

“Come on,” she said, pushing aside her unease. There would be time to mourn the ship later. She couldn’t stop herself from looking up at the planet which now filled the gaping wound in her ship. A large piece of the hull broke off and floated away and she said a silent thank you to her mag boots. Another hull breach helped light the walkway up to the cockpit and she had to push floating chairs aside as she approached the bow of the ship. She could see the purple glow of the kinetic barrier covering the entry to the cockpit. Above her, the jagged metal pieces of her ship looked like teeth and she had a sudden mental image of the Normandy collapsing inward to eat her like the thresher maw did her crew on Akuze. She shuddered but continued on past the airlock.

Once they had passed inside the barrier, Shepard felt as though she was once more on solid ground. She knew it was an illusion, though, so didn’t let herself slow to enjoy the sensation. The ship was still coming apart around them and, though the attacks had stopped for the moment, she knew that it was only a matter of time until either whatever enemy they’d discovered came around again or the ship was pulled into the gravitational field of the planet. Either way, they needed to get the hell out of here. Joker already had his helmet on but he was as stubborn as ever, refusing to abandon ship. His voice was urgent and panicked as he insisted that he could still save her. Shepard looked around. Even the best damn pilot in the galaxy couldn’t pull this off. There was no saving the _Normandy_ from this. _There will be other ships_ , she reminded herself. Yes, this one had taken them through hell and they had some of the best—and worst—memories embedded in its dull metal bulkhead but there would still be other ships. “The _Normandy_ ’s lost. Going down with the ship won’t change that.”

Reluctantly, his eyes full of grief, he nodded. She understood his pain. There were things about this ship that could never be replicated, could never be replaced. This was the ship that had taken them through the Mu Relay and then the Conduit, the ship that had led the assault on Sovereign, had saved the Council. This was the ship where she’d fallen in love, where she’d discovered the joys of friendship and the true meaning of family and loyalty, and where she’d mourned the loss of one of that family. The bulkheads had seen her joy, her pain, her fear, her frustration, her agony, her indecision, her growth from a follower to a leader that could inspire the kind of loyalty that made people choose to face death not for a paycheck or because they’d been ordered to but because they believed in her. It still stunned her that she was capable of that. She, a nobody farmgirl from Mindoir, daughter of an abusive alcoholic of a father and a timid gray mouse of a mother, had become the savior of the galaxy. She would be willing to bet good credits that Hackett had never expected that when he had found her, shaking and covered in the blood of her slaughtered family and the batarian slavers that she’d killed to escape.

Shepard and Garrus helped Joker out of the chair and she winced as she both felt and heard one of the brittle bones in his arm crack. He yelped but that didn’t stop him from giving out the warning, “They’re coming around for another attack!” She released him to Garrus and ran to the doorway where another of those amber lasers was slicing through the bridge like the hull was made of paper. Another bone broke as she guided Joker's arm around her neck and she and Garrus half-carried half-dragged him to the last remaining escape pod. They guided the pilot in and she motioned Garrus in behind him. Around her, the ship was coming apart more completely by the second. The laser cut another path through the wall next to her and the ship rocked so violently that her mag boots were ripped from the deck and she was thrown away from the doorway and sent weightless and spinning toward the breach in the hull.

Reaching out, she grabbed the wall and looked at the pod as the beam cut between them. She realized that she wasn’t going to be able to make it back to them. Joker shouted, “Commander!” as Garrus all but screamed her name in an agonized voice. Another jolt broke her hold and she reached out to hit the control that would send the shuttle away. As her fingers brushed against the glowing red panel, she saw Garrus dive through the doors, narrowly avoiding the lethal golden beam, and push himself toward her. She felt his hand grasp her arm as another explosion rocked the ship and a blast wave of hot air shoved them out of the ship.

She grabbed onto Garrus’ arm, literally holding on for dear life, as they spun out into space. Helplessly, they watched as the beams cut into the remains of her ship and it broke apart in a series of blinding explosions. How the hell did that even happen? she wondered. Fire doesn’t burn in a vacuum. She prayed that Joker’s pod made it away and then looked over at the turian who now had her in a vice grip.

They were going to die out here. She thought of all of the things she’d wanted to say to him but couldn’t work up the nerve when she had the chance. She, savior of the Citadel, the woman who had helped destroy a Reaper, had killed an indoctrinated cyborg Spectre, had fought countless geth, had jumped through a fifty-thousand year old prototype mass relay in a goddamn Mako for crying out loud, was terrified of telling her best friend how she felt about him. Now they were going to die and she would never know if he felt the same way. “What the hell were you thinking?” she demanded of him. He should have stayed in the damn escape pod. This was senseless, stupid, a waste of all of his brilliant potential and for what? So she wouldn’t be alone in these last terrifying moments?

“Never leave a man behind!” he shouted. The comm made his voice sound vaguely tinny and reduced the flanging effect but it was his voice all the same. His voice would be the last sound she heard.

“That was stupid, Garrus! Reckless! You threw your life away!” she shouted back. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“Why do you think, Shepard?” he demanded, pulling her head in so that the foreheads of their helmets touched.

 _You idiot_ , the voice in her head screamed. _He jumped out of an escape pod for you! He chose certain death over virtually guaranteed survival just so that you wouldn’t die alone! He has to know that neither of you are going to make it. There’s no miracle getting pulled out of your ass at the last minute here. This is the end of the line. And he gave up the rest of his life to be here for what little is left of yours. He has your back. He always has your back. Even when it means he’s going to die, he still won’t leave you behind. If that isn’t love, it’s damn well close enough._

“You should have stayed in the pod,” she answered, her voice agonized. “You should have lived.”

“Giving up already, Shepard?” he asked with a hint of reproach. “We’ve got air. We’ve got at least some water stored in our suits as long as you remembered to refill yours after the last mission. Gonna be hungry but we’ve been there before. The Alliance is coming. They’ll find us.”

She looked warily at the planet that was rapidly growing closer. “Think we have a chance at surviving entry?” she asked.

“If anyone can do it, it’s you,” he answered and then grew frighteningly still. “Fuck. Don’t move.”

“Wasn’t planning on dancing out here, Garrus,” she said.

“Don’t talk, either. Take shallow breaths,” he said, his voice urgent as he carefully maneuvered around behind her. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

She was about to ask him what was wrong when she felt it. The slight change in pressure. The vaguest difficulty in drawing air. The barest hint of something hissing against the skin at her back. Automatically, her hands went around to the back of her neck, searching for the source of the leak and her breathing kicked up as panic threatened to choke her and made it even harder to drag in the precious gas mixture currently venting from her suit. She’d had the barest moment of hope there but now she realized that she was going to die. She was really, truly going to die and she was going to die not being able to breathe.

She had almost drowned once as a child. She and a few of the other kids from school had skipped out on the first warm day of the year after a particularly hard winter and snuck out to the local swimming hole. It wasn’t much more than a deep puddle set in the center of a rocky bowl but when you’re ten, anything with water in it is good for swimming. The other kids had been horsing around on the ledge, no one wanting to be the first to go into the icy water now that they’d actually arrived. She’d been standing on the ledge, looking down and gathering herself for the dive when two of the boys behind her started scuffling. One of them tripped and they knocked into her as they fell, throwing her out into the empty air over the frigid water. She could still remember the momentary feeling of weightlessness and then the sharp pain as her head bounced off of the rock wall, stunning her. She was a good swimmer but between the hit to her head, the painful impact with the water’s surface as she hit splayed out rather than vertically, and the temperature of the water that hadn’t gotten much above freezing yet, she was completely immobilized. She sank like a stone into the icy depths as her lungs cried out and screamed for air and involuntary muscle control took over. The water was like a thousand knives going down her throat to slash at her chest and the last thought she can remember before the darkness consumed her was, _I thought they said you got euphoric at the end. They were wrong. Dying just hurts._

She doesn’t remember the boy’s hand closing over her arm or the strong kicks that took her to the surface, doesn’t remember the lone teenage girl bending over her to perform CPR and restart her heart, and only vaguely remembers vomiting up what felt like the entire pond from her lungs. After that was when the euphoria hit. She felt like she could climb a mountain or pilot a starship through enemy territory or maybe even just fly. Instead, she slept for more than a day and, when she came to, her father had beaten her so badly she had to tell her friends that she was still recovering from the drowning and too tired for them to visit.

“Hang on, Shepard,” she heard. Garrus’ voice. She wasn’t drowning. She was suffocating. It was the same thing, really. He sounded strangely calm for someone who was watching his best friend suffocate right in front of him. She wondered if she would look a little bit like Liara when she turned completely blue from lack of oxygen. “Almost got it...there! Breathe, Shepard.”

The hissing sensation stopped. It took another few seconds for the pressure in her suit to normalize and for her to stop feeling like she was trying to breathe through an obstructed straw but it did. She breathed in the restored air in quick, greedy gulps that sounded painfully loud in her ears. When he moved around to face her, she weakly pressed her forehead into his chest. “Thanks,” she gasped. “What...did you...do?”

“You know that pack of spares you’re always teasing me about being a 'boy scout' for carrying with me all the time?” he asked, humor almost covering the nervous relief in his voice. “Your seals were dry rotted. Lucky for you, this boy scout had an extra set. I had to clamp yours off for a minute to swap them out. That’s why you felt like you were suffocating. I couldn’t avoid it, just tried to work as fast as I can with only one hand and you flailing around. It wasn’t easy floating around like this, but I got it. They should be all right now. Why the hell didn’t you check those? It isn’t like you to forget something like that.”

“The damn suit is less than a month old!” she exclaimed. “It worked in test runs and has worked in all the missions before. Of course, it has to decide to blow when we’re stuck out in the middle of empty god damn space.” She paused. “I know it’s selfish but I’m glad you were here. I don’t want to go like that.”

“I’m glad I was, too.”

“You won’t be saying that when we’re burning up in the atmosphere of that rapidly-approaching planet or slowly starving to death if we somehow manage not to get sucked in,” she pointed out. “We’re in the Terminus, Garrus. It’s going to take the Alliance hours to get here. The nearest ship is in the Traverse. No one but Joker knows we’re out here and by then we’re going to be so far away from what’s left of the ship it’ll be like finding a needle in a haystack.”

“A needle in a what?” he asked.

“Never mind. Virtually impossible. We’re going to be a very tiny speck in a very large amount of space. They won’t find us, Garrus. The absolute best we can hope for is to get sucked into that planet, survive the atmosphere, survive the fall itself, and land somewhere near the ship. I don’t think even my luck is that good.”

“We’ll figure something out,” he assured her. “You’re a biotic and I’m a genius, remember? But, first things first. We need to make sure we don’t get separated.” He reached behind him and she could see him digging around for something. He came out holding a pair of handcuffs.

“Getting frisky on me, Vakarian?” she asked.

“You wish,” he muttered. She held tightly to him to free his hands while he did something to the softly glowing omni-cuffs. The wrists expanded and he looped one around each of them before tightening them down so that they are clamped together. “There. They have a safety catch in the center. It’ll break before the tension on them gets high enough to rip one of us in two. So it may do us no good but I get the feeling that holding hands isn’t going to be sufficient.”

“Yeah. I bet,” she said with a half laugh and a wary glance toward the planet that had grown even larger in the window of her visor. “Are you scared, Garrus?” she asked softly. She honestly didn’t know whether she hoped he was or wasn’t because she was more terrified than she’d ever been in her life. She thought about being out here alone in this cold, desolate void and shuddered. She’d been in a lot of situations where she would have gone out bravely had she died. This was not one of them. Weightlessness was disorienting and the knowledge that there was nothing tethering them down sparked a visceral fear reaction that had her instincts screaming. The sight of the planet getting closer and closer and the thought that the cold was soon going to be replaced by unbearable heat had a scream rising in her throat. Suffocation and burning were the two ways of dying she had always feared the most.

He seemed to debate for a moment and then answered, “You know, I’ve experienced a lot of firsts with you. Serving on a human ship, fighting the quarians’ historic enemy, tracking down a rogue Spectre, talking to a rachni queen, mutiny, theft of the Alliance’s prize prototype frigate, taking a Mako through a mass relay, taking down a two kilometer tall sentient alien ship bent on destroying all life in the galaxy. Space diving without a parachute? Well...I’ve learned to rethink what’s really possible when it comes to you. If someone tells you something’s impossible, you seem hell bent on proving them wrong. So...since we’re the only two out here, I’m going to tell you this is impossible and you can’t do it and then I’m going to sit back and watch you prove me wrong. Deal?”

Sure enough, his words filled her with purpose. An idea had been forming since he mentioned her biotics and his tech, so she said, “Deal. So, tell me what you know about Alchera, Mr. Genius Vakarian. I need to know everything. Temperature, atmospheric content and density, gravitational pull, surface structure, you name it. If it seems even the tiniest bit relevant, lay it on me. And then get ready to do some major calibrations. I’m not good enough at math to calculate this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from "Breathe" by Ryan Star. I don't own any of the songs used in this story.


	2. Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We don’t have to worry ‘bout nothing  
> ‘cause we got the fire and we’re burning one hell of a something  
> They’re gonna see us from outer space  
> Light it up like we’re the stars of the human race

Garrus looked at the woman in front of him with a growing sense of wonder. Her plan was crazy. Hell, it was downright insane. But it was also elegant in its simplicity which, given their distinct lack of resources our here, was a bonus. If it were anyone else, he’d have been resigning himself to death right about then but this plan had just the right amount of crazy, desperate, and on the fly reasoning to it to make him think it just might work. He still gave them pretty low odds of survival but he didn’t have to tell her that. She knew. That was why she had insisted that he check his math over a dozen times. Their timing had to be flawless. Fortunately, it always was.

He and Shepard could almost read each other’s minds. It was uncanny, considering that they were from two different species with different backgrounds and cultures and food requirements and, hell, different everything. It was like that from the day he met her and had gotten them through countless impossible situations before. He couldn’t count the number of times she’d pulled his ass out of the fire. She wasn’t just his temporary commander. She was his mentor, his guide, his role model, and his best friend. She was the one person in the galaxy that he didn’t have to explain himself to or justify himself for. Even when she didn’t agree with him she still accepted him. That was something he’d never had before. She believed in him and, in doing so, she made him believe in himself.

He hadn’t been extremely concerned even when the attack came. The _Normandy_ had survived a Reaper. Whatever was out there couldn’t be worse than that. Or so he’d thought. Then the flames had started licking up all over everywhere and places that had been whole and familiar only minutes before had turned sinister and dark. He couldn’t leave her in that hell-hole so he did something he’d never thought he’d do with her. He refused an order. Refusing an order was unheard of for most turians. When a good turian heard a bad order, he followed it. Lucky for her, he’d never been a particularly good turian. Still, he’d never thought he’d have to refuse one of hers. But when she’d told him to leave he’d looked around at the hell they were caught in the middle of and realized he just couldn’t do it any more than he could later watch her tumble out into space alone.

He'd never known fear the way he did when he saw her go spinning away from the escape shuttle. She always looked small because she was but against the backdrop of space she looked...inconsequential. The galaxy itself didn't care who she was. The void didn't give a shit that she was Commander Shepard or that, despite her diminutive physical size, she was larger than life, a force to be reckoned with. Out there on her own she was just a tiny, frail human woman. He'd known in that instant that he was watching his entire world implode and that if he didn't act he would live the rest of his life trapped in that moment desperate to go back and do something, anything, that would save her.

He'd heard stories of people coming face to face with imminent death and seeing their lives flash before their eyes. In the eternal second that her eyes had locked with his through their helmets as she held desperately to that final anchoring point, his future had flashed before his. It was desolate. He saw the shuttle door close, felt the jolt of the pod firing from the side of the broken ship, heard himself and Joker screaming her name as their fists pounded helplessly against the metal prison and Joker's bones popped and shattered. He watched her fade away as the shuttle carried them out of sight, saw them collapse onto the floor, looking at each other with grief-stricken eyes and--for once--perfect understanding. He felt the minutes stretch into hours as they waited for rescue they no longer wanted and could hear the cold metal grates of the rescue ship that came too late to save the one person who really mattered. He read the hope in the eyes of their friends as they boarded and saw it change to match his own devastation when only two stepped out where there should have been three.

How easily he pictured the confusion and chaos at the Citadel docks when they were delivered. He could hear Anderson's voice demanding to know where she was. Anderson, the one person in the galaxy who hadn't been aboard that ship who would truly care that she, not just the icon but the person, was gone. How sad was it that the great Commander Shepard, the hero of the Citadel, the savior of the galaxy, would have only a handful of people who would truly mourn her. Only a handful who would fully grasp exactly what had been lost. He saw the days spiraling out into a void as cold and airless and dark as the one physically before him. Without her guidance, without her cool steadiness to center him, he would be lost. Purpose gone, he would wander aimlessly, alive but not living until he either crawled so deep into a bottle he couldn't find his way out or succumbed to the temptation to end it all just to be able to finally wake from the living nightmare his existence would become. He would never, ever leave this burning ship if he didn't act.

He hadn't come to know her better than he knew himself just to misread her intentions then. He knew she was saying goodbye. He knew she was going to make her final act a selfless one because that was how she'd lived her life. He'd seen her anchor ripped out of her grasp, watched her hand make one final push for the eject control, and he'd jumped. He'd never left her behind before. He wasn't about to start then. She needed him whether she recognized it or not. He was her right hand, her guardian, the immovable object that stood solidly behind the unstoppable force. He'd followed her into hell and she'd led him out again. Damned if he'd let her walk back through it alone. If that meant they both died out there, then so be it. She had been alone for too much of her life. That had changed the day he set foot aboard the _Normandy_. She would never be alone again.

He thought about his family back on Palaven and hoped they would understand. His parents had both been military. Dad might not be able to separate human Spectre and commander enough to get it. Solana would never forgive him but Mom would understand. She'd gone through hell with Dad and had stood by him. She'd have jumped, too. He called up their faces one by one and silently told them all of the things he'd held back. He told his father how angry he made him sometimes but how he still craved his respect and wanted so badly to make him proud. He told Sol that she was the best sister any man could have hoped to have and that whoever she picked was going to be a lucky man. She'd run him ragged but he'd still be lucky. He told his mother how much he loved her and how sorry he was that he never had enough time to visit like she wanted. He spilled his soul to them and, as he did so, he said goodbye. 

He did the same with the crew, telling Wrex to keep his shotgun handy because uniting the krogan was going to be a bitch of a goal but one that he could attain if anyone could. He told Kaidan how much he'd hated his constant fawning over Shepard but admired his certainty when it came to right and wrong. Hell, he could afford to be generous now. In the end, he and not the Lieutenant was the one by her side in what were likely her final moments. He told Liara how grateful he was for all the times she'd been there for him and had watched his back so he could watch Shepard's. Tali was the hardest of them all. The only two dextros on board, they'd bonded over shared difficulties until she'd become almost as much a little sister to him as Sol. He thought she'd started developing a little bit of a thing for him at first because he'd been there when they rescued her from the Shadow Broker's men and because of that _Fleet and Flotilla_ movie she liked so much but, when she'd seen the way he watched Shepard, she'd put it aside out of devotion to them both and had become a sounding board for him for all the things he couldn't tell Shepard. Saying goodbye to her hurt but it was nothing on par with what he would have felt if he hadn't done what he did.

Slowly, his world narrowed to one individual, the human woman resting her helmet against his chest whose arms were around his waist as she watched the frozen planet grow ever closer. She sighed and, for a moment, he imagined it was contentment he heard in the soft sound. Perhaps she, too, was finding her acceptance and making her peace. While he did not want Shepard to ever die he knew that, if they had to go, there was no other person in this universe with whom he'd rather share the last of his life. He'd loved her from the moment she first walked up to him on the Presidium. He'd loved her through Noveria and Virmire and Feros and Ilos, had loved her enough to help her steal a ship and stand guard outside her door the night before that final mission to ensure she got the rest she needed. He loved her enough that, when the mission was officially over and she'd been saddled with cleanup duty, the thought of leaving before being ordered to do so had never crossed his mind.

He'd called it admiration, he'd called it respect, he'd called it friendship, he'd even called it care but he'd been too caught up in the difference between their species and starstruck by her to acknowledge it because, if he did, how could he ever hope for a normal life? How could any normal turian woman like the ones his father was constantly trying to set him up with ever satisfy him if he allowed himself to love this tiny, fragile, indomitable human? It was too bad he'd only fully let himself realize it as she'd been sucked away. Now none of his fears mattered but it was too late to tell her.

She looked up at him and said in her Commander Shepard voice, "Let's run this through one more time. Space diving suits have special ablative coating to protect against the thermosphere. Ours have it, but not as much. We'll have to use shields and barriers, probably a combination of both. Assuming we survive entry into the atmosphere itself, we calculate our terminal velocity and the height from which we'll be falling to determine how long it will take to hit the ground. We know the force of my throw because I've measured it under varying circumstances, so we can calculate our deceleration rate and time the throw. And, to make things even more interesting, we have to factor in recharge time for both your tech and my biotics. It has to be exact. I don't know about you, but for a human even with the armor and everything else, timing will be the difference between some broken bones and a fatal collision. Either way, we need to be prepared that this is going to hurt."

"Hurt is better than dead," he pointed out and began running the numbers again. He rechecked his omni-tool, silently thanking Tali for the tricks she'd shown him to temporarily boost the power. He had a feeling this was probably going to fry the thing but if it got them through to the surface, they could use hers to try to get an emergency signal out.

The surface of the planet itself was going to produce an entirely new set of obstacles and he could only hope that the Alliance would want to do some swift reconnaissance to find out what had taken down their prototype ship. To say the planet was inhospitable would be an understatement. Subzero temperatures, high winds, a thick and unbreathable atmosphere of methane and ammonia, no food sources, no fuel sources meant that being there was likely to be just as dangerous as getting there. The power cells to the thermal units in their suits wouldn't last forever and when those went they'd freeze. Their air filters would also have limits to their time and when those went they'd suffocate. They had no food so starvation was a definite threat. The only thing the planet offered to sustain life was water but it was frozen. They'd have to find a way to warm it or they'd be begging for hypothermia. Looking at it that way, he was starting to wonder if popping their seals or burning up on entry wouldn't be a kinder way to go. At least he had his pistol and, if that failed, teeth and talons. He wouldn't sentence her to a slow, painful death. He'd make it as quick and painless as possible and then he'd simply remove his helmet and join her. Whatever happened, they were in this together.

"It's beautiful, don't you think?" she asked in a tone of wonder.

He followed the direction of her gaze through the helmet and, rather than looking at the now massive planet rushing toward them, he was caught in her eyes. She amazed him, this woman who had seen so much death and pain and destruction, who had fought tooth and nail only to be ignored and ridiculed and slapped down but rose again once more to fight anew, this woman who had been through so much and who was staring her own painful death in the face and still managed to find room for wonder through her fear. While they were floating along in space amidst the wreckage of her ship and he'd been contemplating their dark end, she had been looking for beauty. She was the most courageous person he'd ever met. He had to clear the knot rising in his throat before he could say, "Yes. Yes, it is."

 

He could actually feel the pull of the planet's gravity. There was nothing to give him a sense of motion but for the visual input of its ever-increasing size but he imagined he could feel them moving faster. She seemed to sense it, too, for her arms tightened around his waist. He held her more firmly in his own and prayed to all of the spirits that he would not panic, would not lose control of himself, would not fail her as he had failed at so much else in his life. He drew comfort from her presence even as she did his. By her side, he had always felt as though he'd attained some of her spirit. He was so much more when she was with him. He prayed that would hold true.

"Garrus?" she said, the tiniest waver in her voice betraying her fear for the first time.

"I'm here," he assured her, pressing his fingers into the more pliable material over her lower back. On a turian, he'd never dare touch a woman there unless they were intimately involved but that was where she could actually feel the pressure of his hand and, besides, custom was a bit overrated at this point.

"I bet you're wishing you'd stayed in that shuttle right about now," she said, pulling herself up to bury her face in the cavity around his crest.

He thought about making a joke about a tandem space dive being just one more story no one would believe. But then he thought of her out here, alone and frightened with nothing to hold onto, no voice in the darkness to tell lie and tell her it would be all right, and his chest squeezed so hard it was an effort to breathe. "No," he said honestly. "No, I'm not. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. Well, unless we could both just wake up and realize this was a particularly vivid nightmare. But if you're here, where else would I go? We're a team, remember? Shepard and Vakarian against the galaxy."

She tilted her head back and he thought he could see moisture glittering in her eyes in Alchera's glow. "You sounded like you actually meant that," she said.

"I do," he told her.

"Garrus, I...I just wanted you to know...I wanted to tell you so much, so very much. How much you've come to mean to me. I couldn't have done any of this without you. You've stood by me through thick and thin and you've never once looked for a way out. I've never had that before. I just...if this all..."

He put a symbolic finger up to his helmet and said, "No goodbyes. Goodbye sounds too much like you're giving up and the Shepard I know doesn't give up. The Shepard I know laughs in the face of danger, spits in the eye of the behemoth, looks into the abyss and gives it the finger. My Shep--Commander doesn't give up."

"What if I panic?" she asked.

"You? Panic? Remember what I just said about danger and behemoths and abysses? You, the woman who spit on the holo of Sovereign on Virmire, panic? Never. Me, on the other hand, well...I'm just glad I used the head right before the attack." That got a laugh out of her as he'd hoped it would. "That's more like it," he said approvingly.

"No goodbyes," she said and he nodded.

"No goodbyes."

___

Heat. Even through his armor, he could feel the heat searing his skin. How much worse was it for her, he wondered vaguely. He thought she was still with him but he couldn't be sure. All he saw was fire. They were ablaze and even the combined power of his massively boosted shields and her biotic barrier around them could not spare them the pain. Time stretched until he had no concept of how long they existed in the fire. He was certain his shields would fail, her focus would falter, and they would be consumed. This was the end. This was all that was left, heat and pain and the silent scream that echoed in his head. He didn't know if he was holding her or himself or nothing at all, only that he could not let go. He forgot where they were, why they were there, everything that came before and everything he'd hoped to come after. There was only now, an unending, eternal string of now that ate away rational thought and left behind nothing but instinct and it was this instinct that kept him holding on to the thing he could only hope was still alive in his arms. This instinct to protect what was his was all that was left of who he was.

They were in hell. Hell was not Ilos. Hell was this moment. He wondered if this was how Ash felt at the end, trapped in the blast from the nuke she gave her life to detonate. How long had they been here? Seconds? Hours? Days? Eons? He didn't know. Was it truly quick for Ash or did the instant before her death drag on into eternities piled on top of each other? Was this dying or were they already dead, trapped for time immeasurable in this demon's embrace?

The purple haze that covered the visor of his helmet flickered and he heard a scream. Hers? His? Both? Then the haze was back and thicker than before as instinct took over for her as well. She was still there, still alive, trapped in this same agony. He was only amazed that she was able to fight the instinct that must surely have been telling her that it would be stronger and easier to hold if it wrapped only around herself for he was fighting his own battle regarding his shields. He would not give in no matter the pain. She must live. They were stronger together. It was the mantra that repeated through his head, the only truly recognizable thought that hadn't been burned away. They were stronger together. He could not falter.

Black began to creep in at the edges of his vision as his subconscious attempted to shield him from the pain by taking him into the darkness where it didn't exist. Unconsciousness was a siren's song, luring him in, but he resisted that as well. Running was the coward's way out and he was no coward. He may not have been a good one but he was a turian and you would never see a turian's back unless he was dead. He was not yet dead so he could not run. He must stay here with her. They were stronger together.

He would not have thought it possible but the pain began to intensify. His shields were draining. As if from a great distance he heard a voice, faint and tinny, trembling with effort, say, "Reroute...power...Officer...Vakarian," and the pain receded just enough to allow him to realize what she'd done. She sent the power from her omni-tool to his to give his shields a final boost.

One moment they were surrounded by fire. In the next, by a blue so clear it hurt his eyes as they were released from the flames into the frigid sky above the frozen wasteland. His skin still felt the pain as though it expected the heat to remain but his vision was clear and he could see that, while the ablative coating on their armor was charred, the fire did not get past it. She turned her head to look over her shoulder at him and her face was pink but her eyes were open and they met his before glancing down. He told himself not to look but did anyway. The landscape below was a swirling mix of blue and white and, to his surprise, the ground didn't appear to be rushing up to greet them. Yet. She said that would come later as they got close enough to discern differentiation in the landscape. He also didn't entirely feel like he was falling. The pressure of her back against his chest and the air pushing against him made them feel surprisingly buoyant. For a few moments, he knew what it was to fly.

Her laugh caught him off-guard but he realized he should have expected it. They had survived the worst. Death on landing would be instantaneous should it happen, not that eternal burning agony. Even starvation or suffocation would be preferable to that burning pain. Her laugh was one of relief and, amazingly, of hope. It was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard in his life. "You've really never been space diving before?" she asked.

"No," he said. "And I don't think I'll repeat the experience if it's all the same to you. But from this altitude rather than orbit? I think I could get into this. Just, uh, with a parachute. If we survive the fall."

"There's a retirement plan for you," she said. "Beat the Reapers and retire to this relaxing hobby."

"It would certainly be less stressful," he agreed. It truly was peaceful up here. "So, you do this a lot?"

"I've done it a few times during shore leave on Earth."

"Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, Reaper-killer, and space diver. Is there anything else I don't know about you?" he asked.

"There's a lot you still don't know about me, Vakarian," she said.

"Oh?"

"I imagine we'll have plenty of time to talk if we survive the landing. Arch your back a little more. We're wobbling a bit."

"You do realize I'm a turian in armor, right?" he asked. "Back arching isn't really a thing even in civvies."

"Are you saying I'm more flexible than you?" she teased. "If I'd known that, I'd have insisted on being on top."

If they weren't hurtling through the sky at a velocity he didn't even want to think about, her suggestive comment might have elicited a much different reaction. But, instead, it hit exactly the right note to assure him that they were still alive and that there was still hope. If Shepard was joking, she thought there was a chance. So he laughed, long and hard until she yelped and did her best with her body to stabilize them. That brought him back to reality. Hurtling was one thing. Tumbling was a completely different thing. If they went tumbling, she couldn't be sure that she could time the biotic blast at the right angle in the right moment to slow them sufficiently.

Once she had stabilized them, he said, "You may have the flexibility in this team, but I have more reach."

"Oh yeah?" she asked. "Maybe we'll have to test that sometime."

He didn't know what to say to that, so he kept his mouth shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Burn" by Ellie Goulding.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGyEd0aKWZE
> 
> Re: space diving. This is a real thing that is being figured out right now. By 2183 with space travel being common, I'd imagine it would be an extreme sport along the lines of traditional skydiving now. http://www.space.com/21370-space-diving-suit.html


	3. No Light Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No light, no light in your bright blue eyes. Never knew daylight could be so violent.

As much as relief had her joking about things, they were the same kind of jokes she made on the battlefield after, for example, the damned Mako slid back out of cover without warning while they were trying to do field repairs from the inside and took a direct hit from a colossus. God, she hated that vehicle. Garrus was better at driving the stupid thing than she was but she knew how possessive he was over his guns and he'd calibrated the Mako's to within an inch of its life. So he handled the guns, she handled the driving, and whoever was left just tried not to throw up all over everyone. Wrex, in particular, suffered from pretty severe motion sickness and Kaidan had a tendency to turn green. Liara would white-knuckle the seats--an impressive feat given the blue tone of her skin. Tali just groaned under her breath and tried to be encouraging. Ash had been the only one who seemed to think her driving was fun.

Gods, she missed Ash. They hadn't been close at first. Ashley hadn't been fond of aliens and hadn't hesitated to speak her mind about them. Shepard was sure that Garrus had overheard at least some of her disparaging comments but he'd had the good grace not to mention it. They'd all just started becoming friendly before that fateful mission to Virmire. One of the hardest decisions she'd ever made was to leave Ash behind in order to save the salarian squad with which Kaidan had been embedded. It hadn't been a choice between the two of them, really. She might have chosen differently if it had. But she hadn't been able to leave an entire squad behind just to save one person. Ash had understood. She thought the heat of entry had likely placed her late squadmate squarely in her mind and she wondered if Garrus had thought about her, too. After experiencing that, she wondered for the first time if she'd made the right choice. _I'm sorry, Ash_ , she thought.

"So I take it you're still in one piece back there, big guy?" she asked, more to derail her morbid train of thought than out of any real worry. She hadn't heard significant pain in his voice.

"I think I have a newfound appreciation for the cold now, but I'm all right," he answered. "You okay? That was pretty intense."

"Say that again after we've been in this tundra for a few hours. But yeah, I'm all right. My skin tingles and I'm pretty tired from holding that barrier for so long but I think my amp has recharged. Pretty sure I'm going to be wishing for rations sooner than I'd like, though."

"You have enough energy for this?" he asked.

"I don't really have a choice, do I?" she responded. The ground below was beginning to take on a definable texture and she could see even from this altitude that it looked to be frozen solid. Where snow wasn't piled in drifts, pristine blue ice sparkled in the afternoon sun. Her throw field would likely sweep all of the snow away. They might as well have been preparing to land on concrete. Even with shields and barriers, this was really going to hurt. "ETA?"

"One minute to target altitude," he answered.

"Drink," she said. They'd taken turns reminding each other before they'd come into the atmosphere to ensure they stayed properly hydrated. The heat had probably sapped a lot of it out of them and the water storage in their suits should be cool enough now not to burn them. She took her own advice and found that she was correct. She hadn't realized until the liquid flowed into her mouth just how parched it was. Quickly, she calculated an estimate of how much they had left. She didn't like the answer. They'd have to figure out a way to turn this ice into potable water quickly.

"Thirty seconds," he said. She focused her energy and felt the familiar tingle in her hand as she manipulated dark energy into a force she could direct at will. "Fifteen...ten, nine, eight..." He counted down for her and when he called the signal, she threw out a wave at the ground at the precise angle they'd judged would reflect the force back at them rather than sending it skittering out along the ground. 

As soon as the wave left her hand, she knew it wouldn't be enough. She was too drained from the extra energy she'd expended to thicken the barrier after it fell. It worked as they'd predicted and slowed them down but she could tell they were still moving too fast. She debated between trying another throw and saving it for her barriers. There wasn't enough time to change the game plan now. She'd just have to put everything she could into the barrier and pray his omni-tool had recharged sufficiently that the combination with his boosted shields would absorb most of the impact. She threw up her purple barrier at the same time as his blue shields flickered up and his arms came around her. He curled into a ball around her and jerked his body to the side until the world flipped and she was facing the bright sky in place of the sparkling ground. What the hell? This wasn't part of the plan! What was he doing? "Garru--ooph!"

___

 

Pain. Her body was pain made flesh. The building blocks of her world consisted solely of its white-hot scream. It was a scream of wrongness, the all-too-familiar knowledge that something, somewhere was badly damaged. She tried to sort through the messages her body was sending her but it crescendoed into a single screaming voice. From somewhere inside her head, she realized it was her own though she didn't know whether it was vocalized or not. She bit down hard to cut it off. Her body felt wrong. Something was broken.

Garrus! She had to find Garrus. He'd taken more of the force than she and the flatness of the ground beneath her told her that they had been knocked apart on impact. If she was in this much pain, how bad was it for him? Surely, he needed help. She had to help him. She couldn't lose him now. Cautiously, she forced her eyes to open. Her vision swam. She closed her eyes again and took a series of deep, steadying breaths.

When she opened her eyes again, her vision was clear but the position of the sun told her she'd been out for longer than she'd expected or intended. She didn't see Garrus' cobalt armor anywhere she scanned to her left so she carefully turned her head. The motion made her head swim again and her stomach roiled. _Concussion_ , she thought. At least her suit still seemed to be pumping medigel into her system. It would get better soon. She fought back the wave of nausea and forced her eyes open again. He was about three meters away and he wasn't moving. His eyes were closed. Fear threatened to choke her. _No. Not Garrus. Please don't take Garrus._

Three meters might as well have been three hundred for the effort it took her to get to him. She called his name over the comm but her voice was weak and it wasn't enough to wake him. Gritting her teeth, she rolled onto her side and was forced to stop. Her right shoulder was dislocated and she was pretty sure her left wrist was broken as well. When she rolled onto her left side, the bones in her lower leg ground against each other and she had to choke back a scream. It was all she could do not to vomit. If she started, she wouldn't stop and she'd rip her helmet off and breathe in the noxious gas of the planet and she would die. And if she was dead, she was no help to Garrus.

She couldn't hold back the sounds that were halfway between a grunt and a scream as she low crawled her way to him inch by agonizing inch using her left elbow and her right leg to move her along the icy terrain. He still hadn't moved. She heard Hackett's voice in her head and hoped her concussion wasn't bad enough to make her hallucinate. _You have your objective, Commander. Make it happen! Move your ass! I don't care that it hurts. You're an Alliance marine. Act like it! You've got a man down. Push through the pain!_ "There's no pep talk like a military pep talk," she muttered, copying one of Garrus' favorite phrases when she started making speeches to push her own soldiers to push harder, move faster, ignore the pain, and believe the impossible.

 _One more foot_ , she told herself. _One more foot and then you can rest._ But when she'd gone that foot, she didn't rest. _One more. You've got one more in you. One more._ One more foot she went. Her right arm dragged uselessly beside her and her bones ground against themselves. She fought the dizziness. _One more and you can rest._ Two meters. He was two meters away. He could have been on Omega in the next cluster. Her vision went gray and she bit her lip until she tasted blood. The world swam back into focus. _One more foot, Shepard._ She pulled her knee up and dug the toe of her boot into the frozen ground. Her armor scraped loudly against the ice, the sound sending knives through her brain.

She'd watched an asari commando play a knife game once where a pitifully trusting soul had spread his hand wide while the commando made the knife dance between his fingers. She didn't know what the point of the game was, if it was to show off the asari's skill or the man's courage but by the time the commando stopped, the knife was little more than a blur and the sound of it tapping the table between his fingers was a steady hum. She thought the commando had taken up residence in her brain and was playing that game on her skull. _One more foot._

The ground around him was dry, she noted. No cobalt blood matching his armor and tribal markings pooled on the ground around him. She hoped that was a good sign and that it wasn't just being held within his armor. _One more foot._ She scraped forward again and the agonized sound of her ragged breathing filled her ears. _One meter. Just one more meter._ He could as easily have been on Arcturus Station. The distance stretched out before her like a glittering desert. She allowed her head to drop against the ice. _One minute, Shepard, that's all you get. One minute. Drink water._ She sought out the straw built into her helmet and took cautious draws on it. She had to be careful. Her stomach was unstable as it was and she couldn't afford to lose any fluids. Dehydration was a nasty way to go.

The timer in her head clicked and she pushed her left arm blindly forward before drawing her right knee up again. Pull with the elbow, push with the foot. The scrape of armor against the ice. Knives dancing in her brain. She couldn't make her head obey her enough to raise up, so she let it loll to the side and angled her chin. He swam in front of her like a vision in a funhouse mirror at the harvest festival on Mindoir. _Don't go there_ , she ordered herself. _One more foot. You're Commander Fucking Shepard, savior of the Citadel. You killed Saren. You killed Sovereign. You can move another goddamn foot!_ Hackett's voice again. "Yes, sir! You always were a pushy bastard when you wanted to be, Admiral," she murmured fondly. This time, when she pushed her arm forward, her hand brushed against something solid. She rolled her head so that she could see and found it resting against his side. Almost there.

 _One more foot. Come on, Shepard, you can do this. I'm not ready to see that spiky head of his just yet,_ a new voice chimed in.

"Ash?" she asked. "That you? I'm sorry, Ash. I'm so damn sorry."

 _Quit being sorry and move, Commander! I'm not ready for you yet, either. 'The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep,'_ Ash told her.

"Frost, huh? I guess that's appropriate," she muttered. With a curse, she pulled herself forward until her helmet made contact with his armor. She'd made it. Now...struggling, grunting with effort as her broken wrist protested, she maneuvered herself up onto her elbow until she could lay her head against his chest and then held her breath. Relief flooded through her when she felt her head rise and fall. He was breathing! He was alive! "Thanks, Ash."

_Any time, Commander. Oh, and Skipper? Look up._

Shepard tilted her head back as the first piece of debris slammed into the ground where she'd originally landed. Above, more pieces of her ship plummeted through the air. Small pieces, big pieces, whole sections of her ship. Adrenaline surged through her, a welcome boost, and she ignored the pain in her body as she levered herself up until she was lying on top of her helpless friend. Summoning every bit of the strength left in her battered body, she threw up a biotic bubble that covered them both. The _Normandy_ , her ship, her home, her pride and joy, had turned into a weapon against her. Even the smallest pieces hammered away at her barrier with a force she could feel and the larger ones slammed into it hard enough to take her breath away. She wished Liara were here to help shore up her barrier. Or take over so she could sleep. No, Garrus came first. She had to save Garrus. A crate bashed into them and rolled, landing a few feet away. _Well, at least we have ammunition now_ , she thought with amusement bordering on hysteria. Another crate hit her barrier and skittered off. _Cleaning supplies, too. We can scrub the decks while we dehydrate to death._ Her amusement was quickly cut off by a thump to her right that sounded far too organic to be another crate. And then the bodies started to fall. That's when she started screaming.

\---

Garrus woke to the sound of screams. Feeding into his helmet as they were, it took a minute for him to register the other sounds around them. Shuddering sounds, sharp sounds, harsh sounds, soft sounds that the primal part of his brain somehow recognized but the rational part shoved away. He focused instead on the voice. Opening his eyes, he saw the source of some of the sounds he'd heard raining down around them. The ship had been pulled into the atmosphere. He supposed it wasn't so strange that it was on the same trajectory they had been. After all, they'd all originated in roughly the same place. The flickering purple barrier answered his first question. Shepard was alive. But who was screaming? He'd figure that out later. His first task was to ensure Shepard's safety and her barriers were clearly about to fail. He wondered how long she'd been holding it. A glance around at the debris jutting out of the ice told him it had been long enough that it should have fallen by now on a good day. Nothing but the self-preservation instinct was keeping them up now. With a groan, he ordered his hands to move and hoped with everything he had that his omni-tool hadn't yet fried out. His shields flared to life and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Shepard," he groaned. Spirits, he hurt. Not as bad as the fire but bad enough to tell him that his medigel dispenser had been working overtime. "Shepard." Louder this time.

The screams stopped. Ragged sobs replaced them. He felt her shake through his armor and cautiously tilted his head. That, at least, didn't hurt. She was lying atop him. One of her wrists was bent at an odd angle and her other arm dangled limply down his side. She glowed purple and it only accentuated the deep bruises he could see under her eyes and the bleakness in their depths. This wasn't his Shepard. She looked...haunted. Silver tears disappeared inside her helmet and the whites of her eyes were bloodshot. It was an eerie sight. "Garrus?" she asked in a voice as weak as a newborn pyjak.

"You can drop your barriers now," he said, not wanting her to use up any more of her depleted energy.

"What?" she asked.

"Your barriers, Shepard. You can drop them. My shields are up," he explained patiently. His visor recorded and displayed her vital signs. Her heart rate was fast, too fast, and her temperature was low. She was shaking hard enough to make their armor rattle together. The purple field flickered again and died.

"The crew is falling," she said in a small voice that reminded him of a child. "My crew is falling." He didn't understand what she meant at first. He thought his translator was glitching.

Another of those strange thumps landed to his right and she shuddered visibly and put her face down onto his chest. With a sense of dread, he turned his head and found himself staring at what was left of the body that he thought used to be Navigator Pressly. Past him might have been one of the cooks that worked in the mess hall. Realization settled in. The crew was falling. "Fuck."

"Oh, God, make it stop!" she wailed.

His arms went gingerly around her and he held her carefully. He didn't know what to say. There was nothing he could say to make any of this anything less than a nightmare. All he could do was help her to remember she wasn't facing it alone. "I'm here, Shepard. I'm right here. We'll get through this together."

"This is too much, Garrus. It's too much. I can't do this."

"You can and you will," he said firmly. "We will. Status report." He shouldn't be the one asking that question. That was her job. But, right now, she couldn't do it and he needed to know what they were up against.

"It's...I don't know what time it is. I can't reach my omni-tool. Late afternoon. We've been on the surface for several hours judging by the movement of the sun. I have a concussion. My right shoulder is dislocated. My left wrist is broken. I think a few ribs are as well as is my left leg, probable compound tib/fib fracture. I feel like an elcor stepped on my kidney. I don't think I have any major organ damage but I can't be certain."

He ran through a mental evaluation of his own injuries. Turians were hardier than humans so, though he took the brunt of the impact, his were less severe. He thought he'd broken a spur on his leg. One of his rib plates felt fractured toward the back. His head was pounding but his vision was clear and his thought processes were coming smoothly. His name was Garrus Vakarian. She was Commander Shepard. The _Normandy_ had been attacked and they'd been spaced. They were currently somewhere on Alchera and the remains of the ship and crew were raining down around them. If he had a concussion, it wasn't severe. His fringe hurt worse than his actual head. He hoped he hadn't broken one.

"All right, Shepard. I'm going to roll you onto your back so I can get a proper scan of our injuries. It's going to hurt but I'll be as careful as I can."

She nodded and he could hear the bracing breath she took. "Do it," she said curtly.

He rolled them both so that he could avoid jostling her any more than necessary. His shields moved with them. He took care to keep his weight off of her and move slowly but by the time he had her laid on her back on the ground, he could see that she was pale and her shaking had increased. Her heart rate alarmed him. Spirits, he couldn't lose her now. He scanned her with his omni-tool. The readings confirmed the injuries she'd listed and more. Her wrist was broken in one place, her leg in two, four ribs were shattered, moderate concussion, a bruised kidney, and a punctured lung that the medigel was, thankfully, already working on. It was functioning within acceptable ranges, though, and surgery was not deemed necessary at this time. She needed food, fluids, rest, and to get warm. It gave a diagram on setting the bones and putting the shoulder back into joint. He scanned over them even though he'd set human bones and dislocated joints before. Hell, he'd set hers before. But they were both under enough stress that he didn't want to risk missing a step. He couldn't put it into practice now, though. It was too cold to remove any of her armor. They had to find shelter.

"How bad?" she asked.

"Nothing seriously life-threatening," he said in relief. "But your temperature is too low. You aren't hypothermic yet but you're getting there and your body trying to heat itself is consuming energy. Your heart is beating too fast, probably from pain and stress, and your blood pressure is elevated, probably for the same reason. We need to find shelter. Also, you're slightly dehydrated. You should drink."

"I've been rationing. I've got a day left, maybe two if I'm careful."

"Lucky for you, you can drink mine. I can stretch that to four days for both of us with what I have." His larger size and greater physical strength meant not only that he could wear heavier armor but also that he could carry more weight and, therefore, more water. "If we haven't found a way to warm this ice in four days, we've got bigger things to worry about than dehydration." Like starvation, hypothermia, coma, death. Even a moderate concussion could kill, especially considering the number of times her head had been rattled.

She nodded and he slowly raised her up so that she's propped against his leg. "Drinking water," she confirmed. It felt somehow wrong to take control from her like this but when he mentioned it, she said, "No. You're better fit to lead right now. Just a little while ago, I was having conversations with Admiral Hackett and...and Ash. She said hi, by the way. I know she wasn't real. It was just my mind giving me a push when I needed it but as long as you haven't heard the voices of people who aren't here, you're in charge."

He still hesitated, though the news that she's been hallucinating deepened his concern. "Are you sure, Commander?"

"Definitely," she said. "I trust you, Garrus. I haven't been off of ships for more than shore leave or missions since I was sixteen. You have a more natural understanding of harsh climates. You're more physically fit right now. Your mental status isn't compromised. You have better survival skills and you're smart. You can do this."

He nodded acknowledgement, secretly pleased by her praise, and stood to scan the area. Debris was still falling and his shields only had a few more minutes at most before they were completely taken down. He saw what was left of the CIC in front of them. The galaxy map was shattered but recognizable. No cover there, though. More pieces of the ship jutted up in the distance but he didn't know if he could get to them in time or if they'd provide any better shelter than the CIC. Behind them was a rocky outcropping and his mandibles flared in delight inside his helmet as he saw a familiar shape behind it.

"The Mako!" he exclaimed. "All right, Shepard, I have to move you now but I think we may have just found our salvation."

"Saved by the Mako," she muttered. "Things really are bad."

He bent down and gingerly lifted her off the ground, putting her left side into him with her broken wrist on her lap so that she wasn't leaning against her injured shoulder. As careful as he was, though, he couldn't prevent the weight of her boot from pulling on her broken leg and she cried out and went limp in his arms. His visor told him that her heart was still beating and she was still breathing. She'd passed out. Maybe that was for the best at the moment. He strode purposefully toward the ground vehicle and couldn't believe his luck when it came fully into view. It was intact! Shepard may complain about it, but damn, that thing could take a hit.

He opened the door and climbed carefully inside. It was somewhat cramped but the bench seat gave him a place to lay her down and when he checked the controls, it came online. He'd just replaced the fuel cell yesterday (Spirits, was it only yesterday? It felt like another lifetime.), so they had several days' worth of power if they ran it constantly and more than that once he rerouted some systems they didn't need. If they could shut it down for a few hours a day and use their suits, they could squeeze even more out of it. Depending on what he could salvage from the remains of the ship, he might even get a week or more and, even after it died it was still shelter from the cold. The best part, though, was the emergency beacon.

For now, he activated the beacon and environmental seals and turned on the temperature controls. Once the readings were in an acceptable range, he set the lights to dim and moved back to the passenger area. He gently removed her helmet, needing to see her face. She was paler than he'd ever seen her and the circles under her eyes were so dark they reminded him of the time she'd received what she called a black eye from a krogan. Sheathing his talons, he lifted each of her delicate eyelids. The red had faded from the white parts and his omni-tool told him her eyes were reacting normally to the light though it didn't wake her. Her breathing was deep and even. He was pretty sure this was sleep, not unconsciousness.

He knew there were emergency supplies in here. Shepard insisted on having both dextro and levo rations, bottled water, blankets, and a fully-stocked med kit in here in case they ended up stranded during a mission. It hadn't happened yet but they'd had enough close calls that she wanted to be prepared. The rations had proven useful on more than a few of their longer runs such as Virmire and Ilos.

He dug around in the supplies and found a folded blanket that he slid under her head for a pillow and some dextro rations. He considered waking her to eat but he remembered something about sleep being the human body's way of regenerating itself so he set aside the levo rations and decided to let her sleep. Then he remembered her leg and cursed. He needed to set the bones before they started knitting back together in the wrong position. The wrist was a clean fracture so it was all right but he didn't relish the idea of having to rebreak her leg in order to set it right.

He placed his food beside hers. It was probably a good thing that her stomach was empty right now. He remembered Kaidan vomiting on her when she and Ash set a particularly bad break on his arm once. That reminded him of something else and he rummaged through until he found a strap for her to bite down on if she needed it. He arranged the medigel bandages and the splint he found in the medkit before leaning over her to stroke a knuckle down her cheek. "Shepard," he said gently. "Wake up, Commander."

Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him in confusion for a moment before blinking and looking around. "Why are we in the Mako?"

"Do you remember where we are?" he asked. He wanted to make sure she wasn't disoriented.

"We're on Alchera. Or, I thought we were. How did we get in the Mako?"

"It survived the drop to the planet," he explained. "You passed out when I picked you up to carry you to it. We had to get out of the open. It was raining _Normandy_."

Her eyes clouded. "Among other things," she said. She spotted the supplies lined out and groaned. "This should be fun."

"We'll have you dancing in no time," he said with forced levity. He wasn't looking forward to this, either. He hated the idea of causing her pain.

"Garrus, you know I can't dance," she said with a lightness that didn't reach her eyes.

"You just haven't found the right partner yet," he said, reaching over to unseal her greaves. Her head fell back onto the makeshift pillow and he passed her the strap. "There's a sedative in here. I could knock you out for this..."

"Why do I hear a 'but' coming?"

"I'm worried about doing so with your concussion. You know more about human physiology than I do. It's your call."

She sighed. "You're probably right to be worried. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. Better safe than sorry, I guess. Just do it quick." She placed the strap between her teeth and blew out through her nose.

The breaks were bad, he saw. The bones hadn't penetrated the skin but he could see it stretched thin over the breaks. He set the smaller bone first and she gasped sharply but didn't cry out. He had a feeling that was going to change when he did the larger one and he was right. She screamed behind the strap and her body bowed. He saw silver tears trickle from her eyes. "Breathe, Shepard," he reminded her. "It's not quite in the right place yet but I think it'll be good enough to get you through until a real doctor can fix it. Do you want me to stop?"

Normally, he wouldn't even think to ask her that but normally she hadn't watched members of her crew--including her XO--die, had her ship torn apart around her, gotten spaced, burned through the thermosphere of a planet, used more biotic energy than she generally did in a busy week, done a hundred kilometer freefall, used more biotic energy, taken the equivalent of a fall from a skyscraper onto a concrete pad, broken multiple bones, low-crawled several meters on said broken bones, used more biotic energy to guard against her ship crashing into her, and watched the charred bodies of people she'd known and worked with and lived around every day for months rain down around her to splatter on the ground like overripe fruit and all on an empty stomach because he'd be willing to bet his next paycheck she'd skipped breakfast again this morning and the attack had happened before lunch. Just thinking of it all in order was enough to exhaust him and she'd done most of the heavy lifting. He'd just been along for the ride.

"Finish it," she ground out. He didn't ask if she was sure. He knew that tone. She screamed again but didn't tell him to stop and didn't pass out. By the time he was confident it was properly set, moisture beaded her face and her hair was plastered to her head. Her breath was coming in rapid, aching gasps that he knew hurt her ribs. His own broken rib plate was howling but it was nothing compared to her injuries. Moving more swiftly now, he applied the medigel bandages and put the splint on over it. "And now the shoulder," she said.

"You don't want to rest?" he asked.

"Hell, yes, I want to rest. But I can't stand my arm being like this." Her tone was sharp but he knew that behind it was pain.

"Have I ever told you you're the toughest person I've ever met?" He asked conversationally as he helped her sit up so that he could remove the rest of her armor. She leaned her head against his for support. "Because you are. The things you've been through...you never flinch."

"I was doing more than flinching a few minutes ago." She glanced up at him from beneath her lashes and said with a little more of herself, "I swear, if you ever tell anyone how much I've cried today I will kick your ass."

He chuckled as he set her chest piece aside. There was that Shepard spirit. "Your secrets are safe with me. Hell, I'm kind of jealous. Turians can't cry like humans can. No tear ducts."

"How do turians cry?"

"Turian crying is awful. Humans can hide it as long as you can't see their faces. Us? We make this horrible keening sound. It's downright chilling even to turian ears." He unlatched her braces and put them with the rest of her armor before pulling off her gloves. "Hmm. I wonder if there's a splint for your wrist in here," he said, pulling the medkit into his lap. She leaned over and looked into it with him.

"See the black thing on your left? That's it," she said and he wrapped another medigel bandage around her wrist before following her instruction on applying the splint. "Get that sling and that bandage roll, too, while you're at it. I'll need those for my shoulder and ribcage." He did as she asked and then she said, "You'll have to take my shirt off. I can't do it myself."

His hands actually trembled a little as he unfastened the clasps on her uniform shirt. But rather than the skin he expected to see, there was another layer of fabric. Humans sure did wear a lot of clothes. She told him to leave that one and that he could just wrap over it. "I, uh, don't know how to say this without it sounding somehow wrong, but may I at least lift it up? I need to put medigel on your ribs and over your kidney and I want to see just how bad the bruising is."

"Good point. Go ahead. Hell, Garrus, no need to be nervous. It's just us." He lifted the fabric up until it was just under her breasts and his eyes narrowed in concern. Her torso was covered in varying shades of black, blue, and purple and her back was almost solidly colored. It looked painful.

"Does it feel as bad as it looks?" he asked.

"Yeah," she admitted. "Honestly, I thought I knew what pain was when pieces of Sovereign landed on me. That was nothing."

She instructed him on stabilizing her ribs and then laid back down so he could manipulate her shoulder back into place. When he was finished, he said, "You should rest now."

"No. It's your turn. I see you wincing over there when you move. A plate is a big bone. I don't want you bleeding out on me."

"It's stable," he told her. "Just a crack, really. It hurts but it won't kill me. I can still breathe. It's my spur I'm worried about."

"Then let's get it fixed," she said. "Hush, Ash. I really don't think now is the time to worry about modesty."

"Ash is back?" he asked. Damn it. She was still hallucinating. That couldn't be good.

She seemed to need to process his question. "Yeah. And, uh, until you said something I didn't realize she wasn't supposed to be. I think my head may be a little more messed up than I realized but there's nothing we can do about that so let's get you patched up. Strip, Vakarian."

He recognized the stubborn tilt to her chin and the determined, if wounded and slightly confused, look in her eyes. She wasn't going to rest until she made sure he was all right. She fumbled with the clasp for her omni-tool and he helped her replace it onto her left wrist. She scanned him with it and he saw her face relax a little. "Damn, Vakarian. Turians can take a lot of damage."

"We heal fast. I imagine it was a lot worse a few hours ago. That's why I was out for so long. After significant trauma, the body goes into a sort of hibernation state while it repairs. It's kind of like humans recovering while they sleep, I guess," he explained as he began removing his armor.

"Sounds more like a coma," she said, watching him.

It was a little bit more difficult to deal with his injuries than hers since she only had the partial use of one hand and he couldn't reach the spot on his back. She probed gingerly at the fractured plate, needing to make sure for herself that it wasn't displaced, before slapping a medigel bandage over it and helping him with the compression wrap to keep it in place. There was a bit of awkward fumbling before they were through and he was more sore afterward than he'd been before but it was worth it to hear her chuckle as they fumbled through.

He couldn't get to his spur without removing his pants but he remembered what she'd said about modesty so, with a mental shrug, he pulled them down and got to work trying to remove the stretchy material without jostling the bone too badly. He glanced up at her to see her eyes wide. "What?" he asked. Damn. Humans were weird about nudity and they wore a lot of clothes. He'd probably just completely scandalized her or committed some major social faux pas. He glanced down to make sure nothing was visible that shouldn't be.

"Nothing. Just...if you'd told me this morning I'd be sitting in the Mako with a naked turian I'd have called you crazy. Haven't you people ever heard of underwear?"

"We don't really need it," he answered, realizing she'd probably been expecting him to be wearing that short, tight garment that Kaidan wore under his pants. "The...uh...reproductive organs on turians stay internal until they're, um, actively...engaged." If turians could blush, he'd probably be doing it right now. Sure, they both cared about each other but that didn't mean he was prepared to start explaining turian sexual physiology to her. He'd imagined that conversation happening somewhat differently if it ever needed to. Like with someone else. Dr. Chakwas maybe. Or Liara for whom inter-species relationships were the norm rather than the exception. He was sure Joker could have handled it, though not with tact. Hell, anyone but him. He was still trying to process how he felt for her.

He knew and accepted that he loved her but he hadn't quite figured out how he loved her. There were a lot of different kinds of love. Loving her didn't necessarily mean it was sexual or even romantic. There was a wide spectrum between friendship and bondmates. He knew turians who'd formed lasting relationships with humans before. They were still largely looked down upon by both races after the Relay 314 Incident, though they were slowly gaining acceptance. He knew his father fully expected him to settle down with some nice turian girl from a good family and sire children to carry on the Vakarian name. Commander Shepard or no, he'd never accept a human orphan farmgirl. She had no home clan to tie into his and make it stronger and there would be no children.

Garrus himself didn't care about those things but everything he had to offer came from his family name. Without that, what could he possibly give to her? He was a cop on a cop's salary with a cop's apartment and a cop's future and she was, well, her. This situation notwithstanding, he was her subordinate. If he were able to become a Spectre then maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to come to her as something of an equal. It wasn't the turian way but it did seem to be the human way.

"Is it that bad?" she asked and he realized he'd been staring at his leg.

"Hmm? Oh. No, just considering how to get this off without moving the bone."

"Cut it," she suggested. "Clothes can be replaced. You can't."

He nodded and used a talon to slice the material. That was much easier. Now he just needed to figure out how to immobilize the bone with medical supplies geared to humans. If only the med bay had survived intact but he'd seen the explosion in there before the ship came apart. There might have been supplies in the cargo hold that survived but the med bay itself was gone.

Beside him, she dug around in the kit and made a sound of triumph. "Here. We use these for broken fingers. Your spur is roughly the same shape. It should work." He stood and turned with his back to her so that she could apply the contraption. He felt it slide over the spur and a moment later, it was snug. "Got it. Damn, nice ass, Vakarian."

"And that's the sign to put my clothes back on," he said. "It sounds quieter out there. I'm going to get dressed and go do some scouting. You should rest."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "No Light, No Light" by Florence and the Machine  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOB3G6WeZrQ


	4. No Light, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A revelation in the light of day  
> You can't choose what stays and what fades away.  
> And I'll do anything to make you stay.  
> No light, no light. No light.  
> Tell me what you want me to say.

Two days and no word from the Alliance. Shepard could tell Garrus was starting to worry. He didn't say it aloud but it was there in the tightness of his mandibles when he checked the distress beacon several times a day. It was there in the shadows behind his eyes that he tried to hide with forced humor. It was there in the sideways looks he cast at her when he thought she wasn't paying attention. Ash saw it, too. So did Jenkins and Pressly. The Mako sure was getting crowded. They wouldn't be able to fit all of the survivors in the vehicle and he wouldn't let her go out and check for others or look for shelter for them and didn't particularly seem to care that she kept kicking poor Jenkins in the head when she tried to stretch out or that he had a tendency to walk right into Pressly. Her XO had been an ass about the non-human crew at first but so had Ash and Garrus at least seemed to make an effort to avoid her even if he wouldn't talk to her.

He kept talking about her broken leg and the arm that was still in a sling from her dislocated shoulder. Her wrist was still a little sore but the bones had knit back together already and the shoulder was just waiting for the tissue to tighten up. She could at least use him as a crutch and hobble the way she did when he helped her out to take care of personal matters. And wasn't that embarrassing? She'd asked Ash to help but the woman had become surprisingly modest. They were soldiers and both female for crying out loud! Helping her use the head was not the way she wanted Garrus getting her pants off but she couldn't put any weight on her broken leg. To his credit, he'd treated it like everything else he did for her, with a matter of fact air that made her feel a little ridiculous for being uncomfortable at their enforced intimacy.

He knelt down in front of her and scowled. "You should be laying down."

"You sure did get bossy once I put you in charge," she grumbled. "Technically, it should be Pressly now but I don't feel right stripping you of command when you've done such a good job so far."

"Uh, thanks, Shepard. Will you at least eat something?"

"I'm not hungry," she told him. He kept trying to get her to eat and it was getting annoying. She was an adult. She'd eat when she got hungry. She wondered why he kept pushing when he knew they needed to ration. There wasn't enough food for everyone. Maybe turians were used to a lot more mealtimes and he'd been going hungry in order to fit with the human crew. "Have you been hungry?"

"Since we got here?" he asked.

"No," she said patiently. "On my ship. Have you been hungry? I could have arranged for additional mealtimes for you if we didn't eat often enough. I never thought to ask how many meals turians eat in a day."

"Two," he answered. "Three if we want a snack between meals."

"Oh. So then why do you keep telling me to eat? We only eat three times a day."

"Shepard, honey, you haven't eaten in almost eighteen hours. You're a biotic, remember? You need to eat to keep your energy up."

"I've been drinking my juice," she protested. "Besides, I don't know how long these rations are going to last and we have four people to feed."

He seemed to make a decision. "I'll make you a deal. If you eat a full meal, I'll take you out with me to scout for provisions."

She wasn't hungry but she was starting to feel like a prisoner in here, so she agreed. "What about the others?" she asked.

"Mmm. They, uh, they ate earlier," he answered. "While you were sleeping."

She looked at them for confirmation and Ash nodded. Reassured that her crew had been cared for first, she accepted the rations from him. He'd been planning this. They were already out of the bag and on a tray. She stifled a laugh as she saw how he'd prepared it. She couldn't let him see her amusement because it was clear he'd tried to make it look appetizing. He clearly knew her affinity for hot sauce because he'd apparently used all of the provided bottle. It was slathered on the meat, the rehydrated broccoli and potatoes...and the chocolate pound cake. Hot sauce and chocolate. Well, one of her favorite sweets was a chocolate with cayenne pepper in it. She supposed this couldn't be too different. On the other hand, maybe he'd let her skip dessert. She couldn't believe the others hadn't said anything. Perhaps he'd done it before they were able to stop him. She took a bite of the meat and choked.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She clearly hadn't hidden her reaction well enough. "Nothing," she lied. "It's great." The ham was pineapple glazed. Hot sauce and pineapple did not go well together. She took another bite anyway. She was a soldier. She'd eaten worse. At least it wasn't nutrigel. Or dextro food. Humans could eat dextro food without getting sick. It just gave them no nutritional value. She'd tried one of Tali's snack bars on a mission once in an attempt to fill her stomach when she'd left her own food behind thinking the mission would be a quick in and out. Instead, they'd been pinned down and it had taken them more than a day to get back to the Mako for exfil. She'd eaten it but it tasted disgusting.

"You okay, Commander?" Jenkins asked. "You're turning kind of green."

"Don't lie to him, Commander," Ash said. "How is he supposed to learn if you don't tell him?"

"Fine," she grumbled. "You're right. He can't." She looked up to see Garrus casting an anxious glance in Ash's direction. "Pineapple and hot sauce don't go well together. Neither do chocolate and hot sauce. This is chocolate," she said, pointing to the pound cake. "Sweet and hot can be done together but it has to be done carefully so just assume they don't go together."

"I can make something else," he offered.

"No. We can't afford to waste food." She choked down another bite. "You know, I remember seeing an ammunition crate. If that survived, then it's possible there were other supplies from the cargo hold that made it. There could be food, bottled water, clothing, medical supplies, more power cells, any number of things around here. We just have to find it and I know you haven't been able to go very far. I don't know why you think the others can't keep an eye on me but if you're determined to watch me, then we need to figure out a way for me to accompany you. Besides, these are Alliance soldiers. I know they know you but if they're disoriented, some of them might shoot at the fully armored turian first and ask questions later. We do have crew who served in the First Contact War."

"Shepard," he said with a weary sigh. "We've been over this. They aren't real. Jenkins died before I came onto the _Normandy_. Ash died months ago. Pressly died in the attack. They're dead, honey."

"No, they aren't," she said irritably. Why did he keep saying that? She was starting to worry about his mental state. Perhaps she should resume command. Honestly, she couldn't remember why she'd turned it over to him in the first place. "They're sitting right there. Pressly has been trying to talk to you for a full day now and you just ignore him. I know he's been an ass but he's trying to fix things. Play nice, Garrus. I taught you better than that."

The rehydrated vegetables were actually improved by the liberal application of hot sauce but even she couldn't force herself to eat the dessert. She just wasn't hungry. He took pity on her and let her skip it. She felt bad about wasting food but none of the others wanted it, either. She cleaned up and then reached for her armor. He helped her put it on. When the time came to put her helmet on, though, she debated with herself. How badly did she want to go out? Wearing the damn thing made her feel like she couldn't breathe. She had to put it on for her other trips outside but without a pressing need, it was more difficult to force her head into the enclosure and seal it. 

She did it anyway. She was Commander Shepard. A breather helmet wasn't going to get the best of her. They had three survivors. There could be more out there waiting for rescue. She was determined to find them. She felt a flash of irritation at Kaidan and Liara. They should have made sure everyone was evacuated before saving themselves. She was going to have a serious word with them when they got rescued. _No one gets left behind_ , she thought. _I taught them that. I thought they would have learned better. Hell, Garrus jumped out of his escape shuttle to make sure I didn't._

The thought made her feel guilty for her irritation at him. Sure, he was acting a little strange and he was being a bit pushy. He was entitled. She knew he was worried about her and, after what they'd been through, she could understand that. She was worried about him, too. He seemed to think they were the only two alive on this frozen ball of rock and, while that might be a kind of romantic idea under other circumstances, it was making it hard for her to make sure all of her people were being properly cared for. Still, he had thrown himself into space for her. She'd have died if he hadn't been there to fix her seals or add his shields to her barriers or help her calculate the throw field or just give her the motivation to keep going. If he'd died in that fall, she probably would have curled up beside him and taken her helmet off.

"I'm sorry I've been such a bitch," she said suddenly. "I really wish you'd stop with the whole 'they're dead' thing but I don't have any right to be upset with you. You're doing a great job for the most part. You just...you have to learn to lead people even if you don't like them. Do you think I always liked Kaidan or Wrex or even Ash? Jenkins drives me insane. He's naive, he's out for glory, and he's going to get himself and possibly others killed. I lead them anyway. Can you do that or do I need to take over again?" She kept her tone soft to take the sting out of her words.

He sighed. "Sure, Shepard. I can do that. Come on." He scooped her up in his arms. "It'll be faster this way." He opened the door to the Mako and stepped out. The snow had been blinding the last time they'd come out and the wind had whipped against them so hard she felt like she was fighting against it just to walk. Now, though, it had stopped. New drifts lay around the vehicle but the air was clear. He climbed down from the ridge the Mako had landed on and stopped. They seemed to be in roughly the center of the crash site. It was night, but two of the planet's moons were full and the third was a waxing crescent so they had enough light by which to see.

She hadn't been paying much attention the times she'd come out before. Pain had distorted her vision and by the time her other needs were taken care of she'd been weak and exhausted and her focus had been entirely on getting back to the Mako. The terrain was rough, not flat as she'd thought. Ice rose up in jagged, colorless sheets and ridges. Snow covered everything. Even with the heating unit in her suit, she shivered. It looked just as cold as it was. Even with baring as little skin as she could to do her business, she ended up worrying about frostbite every time she came out.

The remains of her ship were scattered about and rose from the ice in cold, jagged pieces that screamed at her of death and destruction. In the distance, she could see the hull of the ship where the escape shuttles had been and read NORMANDY printed on its side. The top of the ship was gone. To the left was the cockpit and to the right were the sleeper pods. What remained of the crew deck was a good distance away about midway between the sleeper pods and the hull. Behind them was the CIC. "Where to first?" she asked.

"I was thinking the crew deck," he said. "There may be more food over there and if there's anything salvageable from the med bay, that's where it'll be. We also might be able to find some more clothes from your cabin."

"Good thinking," she said and he began to walk. It wasn't an easy trek. The snow was deep and had hidden obstacles in it. She began to understand why he had refused to let her come along. She wouldn't be able to navigate this until her leg healed. She kept her eyes to the ground, scanning the debris for anything useful or any signs of her crew. When she saw the first body as they passed close to the sleeper pods, she shuddered. "Garrus, we can't just leave them there."

He nodded and detoured over to the pods where he carried her into the relative shelter of the broken passageway and settled her onto the deck. He turned and picked up the body of one of the crewmembers still inside--she couldn't recognize who it was or even tell if it was male or female--and carried it to the back before laying it down and crossing its hands over its chest. He left the pods and returned five more times. He carried each of them like they were a precious bundle and his handling of them was reverential. She couldn't have done it better herself. She made him stop beside her with each of them and she touched a finger to their pitiful faces before removing their dog tags from their neck. When he finally picked her up to continue to the crew deck, she said a quiet goodbye. They would rest here, guarded by what was left of their ship.

There were more near the crew deck and they repeated the process in silence before he began searching the area for supplies. He found a small crate holding both dextro and levo rations and she could see the relief in his eyes even through his helmet. He actually made a whooping sound when he found the frozen bottles of water in what was left of the cooling unit. A few mismatched pieces of her uniforms had made it relatively unscathed and he raided the medigel container on the scorched wall of the med bay. When he returned, he held something in his hands like a gift and she actually felt herself smile. Crutches. It wouldn't be easy, but she was mobile again.

The trip back to the Mako was slow and her head was pounding but she did it. She couldn't use both of the crutches because of her shoulder but one of them and his steady arm around her was enough to let her move under her own volition. Tomorrow, she promised herself, tomorrow the sling would come off and she'd look around for more of her people. If there were any more survivors. In the clenched fist of her bound arm, the dog tags of her crewmates jingled coldly. The sound reminded her that she was walking through a graveyard.

"Can you handle one more area?" Garrus asked when they reached the vehicle. "It's close."

"I don't think I can walk any more but if you're up to playing taxi, I can go wherever you need," she answered as he slung the pack of supplies he'd gathered onto the ground.

He nodded and she let him pick her up. There was a tension in him now that made his movements stiff and she wondered if he was as exhausted as she. Both of them would sleep well tonight if she could just get Jenkins to quit putting his head by her feet. She and Garrus had taken to laying on the bench. Ash and Pressly took the front seats. That left Jenkins--the lowest ranking among them--trying to find a comfortable place on the floor. He'd decided that the spot on the bench by her feet made a good pillow and she'd kicked him more than once by accident but didn't have the heart to tell him to move.

"What do you expect to find from the CIC?" she asked as she realized their destination.

"Nothing," he answered tightly. "There's something I have to show you."

Looking at it was hard. Had it truly only been a matter of days since she last walked up those steps and activated the now-broken galaxy map to input their next objective? It felt like hours and years at the same time. She could hear Joker yelling smart-ass commentary to her from the cockpit because he knew it pissed Pressly off and could see the various bridge crew scurrying about or seated in their chairs at their terminals as they went about their duties. She could feel the soft hum of the ship beneath her feet. The _Normandy_ had been alive. Now it was as broken and dead as the soldiers whose dog tags she now held.

He knelt down in the snow beside three carefully positioned bodies and she realized he'd already been here. She hadn't had to tell him that she couldn't handle the sight of her crew splayed out in the snow. He already knew. She leaned over to remove their tags and add them to her morbid collection. Her gloved fingers traced the names on each one. On the third, she stopped. Pressly, Charles. No. It couldn't be. Navigator Pressly was safely inside the Mako. Her eyes flew to Garrus and she found him watching her steadily. Was this some kind of joke? It wasn't funny. She turned the man's head. This wasn't...Pressly's eyes stared emptily back at her from a scorched but still-recognizable face.

"He's dead," she said flatly. "Pressly is dead."

"Yeah, Shepard," Garrus said, sounding sad. "He's dead."

"Jenkins died on Eden Prime the day I met Ash and she died on Virmire. They're all dead. I've been hallucinating," she realized.

"Yes."

"Have you brought me here before?" she asked.

"Yesterday," he confirmed. "After we checked the SOS beacon and the cockpit. I had to bribe you to eat then, too."

"Shit." Whatever was wrong with her head was bad. Her other injuries were more painful but they were inconveniences compared to this. "Were there any survivors?"

"Just us."

"Well," she said, forcing a lightness she didn't feel, "at least there's that. We've got each other."

He leaned his forehead against hers through their helmets. "We do have each other."

She pressed her gloved hand to his helmet and looked at him intently. "The Alliance will come. They'll go for the escape shuttles first. That will take time because they're probably pretty spread out. Once they've done that, they'll scan the planet for the wreckage and they'll find the ship's SOS beacon and the Mako's. There's no reason for the Mako to be sending a distress signal unless someone is alive down here. It'll be enough of an anomaly that they'll come right away."

He stood and carried her back to the vehicle. When they went inside, it was empty. But when she told him they were gone, he said, "They might come back. They did last time."

"Then let's get some sleep while I'm not worried about kicking Jenkins in the head," she suggested. "We're going to be okay, Garrus. I'm hallucinating but I'm rational. I know who we are and why we're here. I can reason things out. We have food and water and shelter. The Alliance will come."

___

The next day, she thought he was Nihlus and Alchera was Eden Prime. She kept trying to warn him about Saren and wouldn't let him leave the Mako. She yelled at Jenkins for abandoning cover. She asked angrily and repeatedly where Alenko was and why Pressly was covering for him. She insisted that she and Ash complete the mission on their own. He hid her armor until he realized she thought she still had it on and was trying to leave the vehicle. If she got past him without her suit and helmet on she'd die so he let her put it back on.

In the end, he told her they were not on Eden Prime, that he'd survived Saren, that Alenko was injured and Pressly was taking his place, and that they were on a mission but that it was going to take time for the Mako to get them there and that the world outside was a biohazard. She calmed down after that and he was grateful that he didn't have to restrain her. It seemed a small price to pay to pretend to be a dead Spectre and pretend to drive the Mako around. She didn't seem to notice that they weren't actually moving and that worried him more than anything.

What if the damage was permanent? What if she just kept getting worse and worse? What if she was truly gone after all? He cursed the Alliance for taking so long. He'd put out a distress signal on the turian emergency channels as well and piggybacked it off of the _Normandy_ 's SOS. Perhaps his own government would be faster.

"So, Nihlus," she said, crossing her arms over her chest and eyeing him up and down. "Tell me about yourself. We're going to be spending a lot of time together. Why not...get to know each other?"

Something in her tone made his eyes dart to her face. Her eyes looked bigger than normal and her lips quirked at a strange angle. She looked...was she flirting with him? Had there been something between her and the Spectre? Was that part of the reason that she'd gone after Saren so fiercely? No. She'd have gone after him no matter what. She didn't need a personal reason. But they had been together on the ship for several days before Eden Prime. Could humans develop feelings that quickly? Or had it just been physical? Or was he misinterpreting it altogether?

"Umm...what, exactly, is the nature of our association?" he asked.

"I didn't realize Spectres stood on that much ceremony," she said. "Wouldn't knowing me better make it easier to...evaluate me?" Oh, Spirits, she was flirting. She laughed and slapped his shoulder. "Relax, Nihlus. It was a joke. For a minute there, you looked just like someone...wait..." She pressed her fingers to her helmet and started muttering to herself. "Pull it together, Shepard. Who was that? Silver skin, blue markings, black and blue armor. Who is he? Black and blue armor, C-Sec. Executor Pallin? No. Chellick? No. Vakarian? Yes! Garrus Vakarian, C-Sec. Joined _Normandy_ 's crew to hunt for Saren after...after Eden Prime. Nihlus died on Eden Prime. Jenkins died on Eden Prime. Ash died on Virmire." She punched the dash of the Mako and winced. "Damn it, Shepard! How could you forget Garrus? Of all people? What's happening to me?"

"Shepard?" he said softly. She jumped and looked around. "You back?"

"Why am I using up my suit filters and power?" she asked and he sighed in relief. She was lucid. He explained what had happened without mentioning her flirting. She removed her helmet and said, "What's happening to me, Garrus?"

"My omni-tool suggests that your concussion was hiding something more serious. You have a...a micro-bleed in your brain. It's causing confusion and hallucinations and...and it's getting worse."

"Is it life-threatening?"

"Not...exactly. Not yet, at least. Eventually, yes, probably."

"What do you mean, 'not exactly'?" she asked, taking her helmet off.

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Depends on how you define life," he finally answered. "If you mean breathing and eating and sleeping and moving, yeah, you'll be able to do that for a while yet. If you mean you being you, no. I don't think that's going to last much longer if they don't come soon. And...and I don't know if they can reverse the damage." He couldn't disguise the agony in his voice.

"I'm so sorry, Garrus. I shouldn't have hesitated. I should have slapped that button the second it was in reach. You'd be rescued by now, not stuck on a frozen wasteland watching your commander slowly lose her mind."

He grasped her shoulders and looked at her intently. "Don't talk like that. You'd be dead if you'd done that. I couldn't have handled that. The Alliance will come. Or the Hierarchy. I sent out a distress signal over our channels, too. That's two governments and anyone else in the area who intercepts it."

"With our luck, it'll be batarians. Or the Collectors. Or both," she said with a grin.

He laughed at her reference to the elusive and mysterious slavers rumored to make occasional appearances on Omega. "At least then we'd have a ship."

"Yeah," she laughed. "Just you and me. Shepard and Vakarian against the batarians and Collectors armed only with a stuck Mako and a crate of small arms ammunition."

"Are you kidding?" he asked with a smile. "With that, Shepard and Vakarian could take on the galaxy. We're one hell of a team, you know."

"Yeah, we are."

The following day, she thought the Relay 314 Incident was still ongoing and that he was her enemy. She shot him in the shoulder before he could disarm her. That day, he did have to restrain her and place her in inhibitor cuffs after she threw him against the side of the Mako. After that, she wouldn't speak but to repeat her name, rank, and serial number. When he tried to feed her, she bit him hard enough to draw blood. He forced nutrigel into her, cursing himself for how he had to manhandle her to do it but she was starting to lose weight. In her one lucid moment that day, she asked him to kill her.

The day after that, she thought they were on Virmire. She at least recognized him but she spent the entire day agonizing over her decision. One moment, she'd picked Ash. The next, she'd picked Kaidan. Then Ash again. She sunk deeper and deeper into depression until she wouldn't look at him or speak beyond apologizing to Ash again and again. She ate when he told her to eat, drank when he told her to drink. She had no lucid moments and she cried herself to sleep in his arms.

Another day, another set of hallucinations. This time it was Mindoir and he was a neighbor boy with whom she was hiding from the batarians. She described the scene in vivid and horrifying detail until he could smell the smoke from the fires, hear the colonists screams, feel the blood that mixed into the mud beneath his feet. She lifted her shirt and showed him the scars that she insisted were open wounds. Now that her bruises were fading, he could see the silver lines and jagged places that crisscrossed her body. He couldn't convince her that the marks were healed so he covered them in medigel. Anything to make that orphan child stop weeping. She came to for a few minutes that night and he held her close as she begged him again to kill her.

He couldn't do it. He no longer believed the Alliance would come, at least not in time. He was now holding out hope for a passing vessel to pick up their signal. He couldn't let her go. He couldn't bear to let her go. She was still in there. These were her memories and, even if some of them were horrible, they were hers and they proved to him she was still there. He couldn't give up on her no matter how much she begged and pleaded for him to do so.

The next day it was Akuze. She recognized then that the Mako was stuck and panicked until he agreed to go outside with her. Her leg was healed enough to carry her weight by then and they spent the day running from one part of the broken ship to another. Every time the wind blew, stirring up the snow, she thought it was sand signifying the imminent arrival of the thresher maw and they would move to another position. Without the artificial and adjustable lighting of the Mako, she fell into a day cycle based on the sun. Alchera's day cycle was over fifty hours long. They spent almost forty-eight of that on the move, resting where they could, until she finally collapsed from exhaustion and he was able to carry her back to the Mako. He was, at least, able to collect more supplies but watching her relive the grief of losing her squad every time they came across another group of bodies from the ship wrenched his heart. She thought they'd been killed by the thresher maw. He collected their dog tags for her.

They slept for almost twenty-four hours after that and he woke to her warm weight in his arms and her eyes on his. They were clear, without the shadow of sorrow that had settled so deeply into them over the past days. He was still concerned over her pallor and the deep bruises under her eyes. Her face was gaunt and her cheekbones were more prominent than normal. Her typically silky hair was dull and lifeless but he supposed that was likely a result of having to clean up in the Mako. For all that, he still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the galaxy, especially when she said his name without prompting and smiled up at him.

He started to tell her good morning and then she threw herself at him. He thought she was attacking at first until he felt her tongue slip past his teeth and stroke his own. Her hands fumbled at the clasps on his armor and she threw it aside before spreading her hands over his chest. He'd only dreamed of holding her like this and everything in him wanted nothing more than to roll her over and explore all of that soft flesh he'd seen so closely over the past days but forced himself not to notice. He didn't know how he did it but he extracted himself from her grasp.

"What are you doing, Shepard?" he asked. Given her mental state lately, he had to know if she was really here or if this was another hallucination.

"Waking up my husband," she answered with a smile that managed to be alluring even in spite of her haggard appearance. "Is that a problem?"

Husband, huh? This was going to be awkward. "Wouldn't you rather, umm, have, uh, coffee?" Bad choice. He was pretty sure they didn't have coffee.

"I'd rather have you," she answered, sitting up and reaching for him.

He sidled back, avoiding her hands. Avoiding her for long was going to be difficult in the cramped confines of the Mako. He didn't want to hurt her feelings. When she was like this, what she saw was real to her. He didn't know how she'd react to being turned down by what she thought was her husband. Reasoning didn't always work, either, and could just make her more upset. Going along with it had worked all right so far but this was a little too much. If he ever got to be with her, he wanted it to be truly real. He wanted it to be her coming to him because she wanted him not because some malfunction of her anatomy was telling her she was supposed to want him. He needed to redirect her.

She looked around with a mischievous smile. "I've always wanted to do you in the Mako. You remember our first mission together? Against Saren? Remember how I kept coming down to talk to you all the time?" He nodded. "You'd start talking about calibrating the guns or getting onto me about my driving and I'd imagine ordering everyone to clear the deck and picture you pushing me up against the hood and...need I go on?"

Oh, Spirits. He was in trouble. "Uh, Shepard?"

"And those times when we'd be sitting around waiting for the _Normandy_ to come in for exfil and you'd be up on the guns watching our six?" she continued. "Liara caught me staring at your ass on more than one occasion. She even offered to wait outside and give us a little privacy. I considered it."

He gulped and wondered how much of this was true. "Shepard, I--"

"And that day I came down and you asked me why I kept staring at the terminal and thought I wanted you to teach me how to calibrate the guns? Well...it wasn't the guns I wanted you to calibrate."

He had to stop her. True or not, she was going to be really embarrassed about this if she remembered it later. "Shepard, we have a mission!" Shit. Now what?

"Nobody told me about a mission," she said, her brow crinkling in confusion.

"Um, it's, uh...a turian mission. The, uh, the Primarch asked me for a favor. I was hoping you'd help me."

She cocked her head and smiled. "You, leading a mission with me? That could be fun. Brief me."

Oh, shit. What was he going to do now? He thought quickly. She didn't seem to remember the crash. The bodies outside were mostly unrecognizable. As long as he kept her away from the hull, she might not recognize the ship. "Um, it's, uh, a recon mission. Top secret. A, uh, joint mission between the humans and turians trying to...evaluate systems in the Terminus for expansion. The Hierarchy lost contact with the frigate forty-eight hours ago. They're concerned that pirates may be responsible and they want us to check it out. I, uh, took the liberty of having Joker drop us in the night. You haven't been sleeping well lately and I didn't want to wake you. I figured you'd be willing to help."

She nodded. "All right. Let's get suited up."

"I was thinking chow first if we eat fast. A few more minutes won't make a difference either way and we don't know when we'll get to eat next."

He realized his mistake as soon as she stood up. "In that case, I say we skip breakfast and go straight for the wakeup."

"We missed dinner," he said lamely. It didn't deter her, so he grabbed her by the waist and dipped his head to growl into her ear, "Besides, once I get started I'm going to need hours, not minutes, to fulfill all of those fantasies of yours. A few minutes isn't going to cut it."

She gasped and her nails dug into the back of his neck. He almost said screw it and threw her down on the bench right then but she pressed her lips to his mandible and said, "We can always delay exfil."

She pulled back and began preparing their rations. He just hoped it took less than forty-eight hours for her to regain lucidity this time. This was infinitely preferable to her tears or panic or that lost little-girl voice of the days before but much more dangerous to his honor. He couldn't take her like this. No matter how much she pushed for it, she wasn't in her right mind. He wasn't a rapist. He just had to keep reminding himself she couldn't actually consent. She looked up at him from her spot on the floor and he realized the other danger, the one he hadn't considered, when she said, "I love you, Garrus."

Was this what it would be like to be her mate? Waking up to her eager hands and soft mouth, declarations of love as they prepared their meals together, fighting missions side-by-side and sharing the burdens of leadership, coming home from said missions to lose themselves in each other, that open look in her eyes that practically shouted her devotion to him? It was the eyes that did it. No one had ever looked at him that way. If this was what his future would look like with her as his mate, where did he sign up? When he said, "I love you, too, Shepard," he wasn't playing into her hallucination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "No Light, No Light" by Florence and the Machine  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOB3G6WeZrQ


	5. Love Is A Battlefield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are strong   
> No one can tell us we're wrong   
> Searching our hearts for so long   
> Both of us knowing   
> Love is a battlefield.

Garrus crept around the edge of the CIC with Shepard close behind and motioned her forward. He felt a little foolish leading a pretend mission like this but, at the same time, he was having fun, too. It was new, being the one to give the orders with her. He could easily imagine her evaluating him for Spectre status or this actually being a turian recon mission. He had an advantage, though, in that he'd learned the crash site well over the past few days while salvaging supplies and running from imaginary thresher maws. At least this time she thought she didn't know the bodies they found. He saw her eyes tighten the way they did any time she came across casualties but there was no grief, only focus.

She'd insisted on weapons and, since he'd found her armor locker the other day, he'd armed her with her sniper rifle and taken her spare. That the woman also kept spare sniper rifles was just one more of the reasons he loved her. Their primaries were both Spectre-grade master class rifles that she'd requisitioned and fitted with more mods than he'd ever dreamed of but he hadn't yet found the crew's lockers--nor the rest of the cargo bay--so he was using the general class she'd carried before she upgraded. It still had her old mods on it, too, so all in all he was satisfied, especially considering there weren't any actual enemies to fight.

She was the only biotic sniper he'd ever met. Most biotics preferred to use their abilities in close combat and supplemented with pistols. She was lethal at both close and long ranges. Of course, that was because he'd been her teacher. She had expressed curiosity about his rifles and he'd shown her how to use it. She'd shown a natural affinity for the weapon so he'd taught her everything he knew. She was now at least as good as he was, though he'd never admit it if she was better.

To help stave off boredom, he keyed up music on his visor. He didn't realize she could hear it until she started singing along. She had a pretty singing voice even distorted as it was by the comm. "I didn't know you could sing," he commented.

"There's a lot about me you still don't know, Vakarian," she said with a grin in her voice.

"Oh? Like what?" He hadn't gotten a good look at the crash site from an elevated position yet. Her leg was almost completely healed now thanks to the medigel and, aside from the bleed in her brain, she was almost back to normal. He didn't want her to exert herself and make the bleed worse but he was going to go crazy slinking around here and he was still worried about her catching sight of the hull. He'd already had to make up an excuse about turian design when she'd commented on how similar the ship was to the _Normandy_. He picked a route that would keep the name out of sight and put them above it where she was unlikely to see it while they looked out over the site.

"Liara kissed me once."

"What?" he asked, momentarily distracted.

"Long time ago. We were drunk and laughing about something and kind of leaning against each other to hold ourselves up and she kissed me." She paused. "It was...awkward."

"Mmm. And why's that?" he asked, pushing away the mental image and the pang of envy he felt toward Liara.

She followed him up the slope and said, "She can say asari are monogendered all she wants but she looks and feels like a female. I'm not bi so it didn't appeal. And then she got all flustered and embarrassed and said it felt like kissing her sister which just made it all the more awkward. And then we laughed our asses off about it and never spoke of it again."

"Oh. So, um, it's because you see her as female, not because she's an alien."

"Of course it isn't because she's an alien. I don't seem to have any problem kissing you, do I?" she asked. Before he could figure out how to respond, she said, "By the way, you do have a truly nice ass, Commander Vakarian. I'm going to have to let you lead more often. I'm actually getting to really see you move for the first time. I suggest we hurry up with this mission and get to the delaying exfil part."

_This isn't really Shepard_ , he reminded himself. _She's not herself. She can't consent._ But hearing her call him Commander really was putting ideas in his head. He thought again about Liara kissing her. Turians didn't kiss but he didn't like the idea of anyone else getting to kiss her, especially after that brief taste of her this morning. He thought he could come to appreciate the act. It had been...more than pleasant, he admitted. He'd never even imagined doing that with her but now it was all he could think about.

They reached the top and laid side by side on the edge of the ridge. He scanned the site. As he'd thought, it was roughly oval in shape with large pieces buried deeply into the ice at odd angles. He had a moment of gratitude that none of the larger sections of the ship had landed on them. Even with her barriers and his shields, they'd have been killed. He spotted a few more crates he hadn't seen before and marked their location in his head. Maybe one of them would have something that could help her. He couldn't imagine what that could be. She needed a doctor.

He wondered where the Alliance and Hierarchy were. Had they missed the signal? Did they just think it was a malfunction or a result of the crash? No, Joker knew he'd gone out with her. He knew there hadn't been a signal sent from the Mako. He'd insist they at least check it out. Maybe Joker didn't know or just assumed they were dead. He wouldn't have believed their survival himself if he hadn't been there. Hell, he was still amazed. Regardless, someone should have checked it out, especially considering that the signal sent over turian channels was sent out days after. Someone should have come by now. Damn governments always had to drag their feet. They were probably tied up in red tape.

"Well, I think we can safely say it was pirates," she said beside him.

"Hmm?" The sound was more an acknowledgement that she'd spoken than actual curiosity. He didn't know that he was looking forward to finding out what her injured brain had dreamed up now. Perhaps arming her wasn't a good idea. What if she decided he was a batarian or something?

"Pirate ship incoming, ten o'clock. Appears batarian in origin. Estimate their projected LZ two hundred meters west of the CIC," she said in clipped tones. "This is your show, Garrus. How do you want to handle this?"

He glanced up where she indicated, expecting empty sky, and saw exactly what she'd said would be there. A ship was coming in to land and it looked like a damn batarian pirate ship. He was suddenly glad he'd given in to her insistence on weapons and ammunition. Judging by the size and design of the ship, he estimated thirty hostiles on board. Two against thirty. No, he corrected himself, Commander Shepard and Garrus Vakarian on high ground with sniper rifles against thirty. The enemy didn't stand a chance. Well, they didn't stand a chance as long as she stayed in this hallucination and didn't flash back to Mindoir and convince herself she was a scared sixteen year old again.

She was waiting for an answer, so he said, "Pick them off as they exit the ship. Let's see how many we can get before they get boots on the ground and figure out where we are. Primary fallback position is the crew deck. Cockpit is secondary. Emergency rendezvous point is that set of spines on the far end. Keep our distance as long as possible and alert me before you decide to move in close."

She nodded. "Roger that."

___

The ship landed and, after a few moments, the cargo bay opened. Five batarians appeared at the entrance. Shepard felt the familiar hum of adrenaline in her veins, sharpening her senses to an almost painful clarity. Beside her, Garrus went very still. There was a dull crack and a batarian's head exploded. Another crack, this time from her own rifle, took down a second as he popped off a third. He got the fourth as she warped the fifth and his eyes bled. "Take that, you murderous pirate motherfucker," she muttered.

"You all right over there, Shepard?" he asked.

"I recognize that ship," she said, fighting the memories that tried to overtake her.

_Someone was coming. She could see the stalks of wheat swaying as the body moved through them. Her mind screamed at her to run but she was tired, so tired, and she'd lost a lot of blood. She thought it might be too much. How much blood does a person hold? she wondered before forcing her attention to the approaching threat. She couldn't run, wouldn't if she could, but she wouldn't go down easy, either. She clutched the knife in a shaking hand and willed herself to push through the fear. She'd lost the pistol she'd stolen but she still had the knife._   
_She tried to determine the race of her hunter through his walk. Batarian? Turian? Krogan? Vorcha? Not krogan. The tread wasn't heavy enough. Probably not turian, either, as she couldn't see his head over the wheat yet. She couldn't hear his breathing, so she doubted it was a vorcha. One of them would be doing that creepy hissing sound. Batarian, then. She shuddered and bile burned her throat. The batarians were the ones she truly feared._   
_She had never imagined herself as being capable of killing a person before but she reminded herself that these weren't people. They weren't even aliens. They were sadists, four-eyed demons in ugly brown skin, monsters straight out of her nightmares. The things they'd done to her neighbors, her friends, her family...she hadn't known someone could scream like that, hadn't dreamed of the number of atrocities the human body could endure and still live, hadn't imagined the multitude of ways that one being could hurt another._   
_She remembered being herded with her family into one of the corrals they used for the cattle. Dead bodies littered the ground and the dirt had been churned into mud from all of the blood that had been spilled. She'd tripped over an arm and had fallen into the muck and come face to face with the cold, unseeing eyes of Lilian, the neighbor girl who earlier that day had been making fun of her about her drunken sot of a father and the black eye he'd given her last week. She'd wanted to hit her then but the now the things these pirates had done to the girl just made her sick._   
_She had been forced to watch as her neighbors were executed. Their deaths were quick, the kindest of that day. She supposed she may have loved her father once when she was very young but all of her affection for him had been beaten out of her in over a decade of abuse. Still, she had taken no joy in his torture and the little girl in her had screamed for her daddy. Then they started on her mother. She had loved her mother, though she'd developed a deep-seated anger toward her for just standing by and allowing her father to beat her the way he did when he got into his rages. That anger faded the moment the batarian had laid his hands on her. Shepard had fought then, but she was too small, too weak, to do any good. They came for her then...._   
_The movement was getting closer. He was almost on top of her now. At any moment, the last of the stalks would part, revealing her hiding place. As quietly as she could, she shifted her weight and prepared to spring. She put every bit of her fear and rage into the scream that was her battle cry in an attempt to make herself sound bigger and scarier than she was. With that, she launched herself at the predator in the grass, swinging the knife as she lunged. They wouldn't capture her again, she vowed. They'd have to kill her and she would take down as many as she could in the process._   
_Her mind registered the blue of the uniform and the human face before her as the knife connected with his arm. She tried to draw back at the last instant but succeeded only in drawing the blade over his skin, slicing him open. He jumped but didn't yell or curse or backhand her. Instead, he knelt down on the ground in front of her and held up his hands to show her he wasn't a threat. She saw her reflection in his eyes: a skinny, filthy, naked child pale beneath the layers of purple blood and dirt, wild-eyed and shaking with fear. Her short, dark hair stood out in harsh spikes where it wasn't matted to her head. She looked insane._   
_The man waited while she lowered the knife. He was a kindly-looking man, already bearing the lines in his face that would only deepen with time, and proud in posture and carriage. When he smiled at her, it was gentle and reassuring. She was already shaky from exhaustion and when she saw that smile, she collapsed to her knees. "Who are you?" she asked in a quavering voice._   
_"Captain Steven Hackett, Alliance Navy," he said in a gravelly bass voice. "We're here to rescue you. And who are you?"_   
_"Katherine Shepard," she answered._   
_He moved slowly and in an exaggerated manner as though afraid he would frighten her away and removed his uniform jacket. He very carefully placed it around her shoulders, wrapping her in its warmth. He smelled like cherry pipe tobacco and peppermint. It was a soothing scent and when he said, "All right, Katherine Shepard, just relax. You're safe now. I'm going to carry you back to our ship and take you to the doctor," she hadn't protested._

"Don't let it get personal," Garrus reminded her.

"Don't worry, Vakarian. I'm enjoying this," she assured him as another batarian stepped forward and she shot him.

"They'll get hesitant about coming out that way. Do you remember if there's an airlock? I don't see one on this side."

"I didn't get that close to it," she answered. "I imagine there would be but I can't tell."

"I'll take the bow. You take the stern," he said.

"Aye aye, sir," she said cheerfully.

Two five-man squads simultaneously rounded the ends of the ship and started firing in the direction of the hull below them. They'd figured out their the general direction but not the elevation. That told her they likely didn't have snipers in the crew because a sniper would have told them to aim high. She threw three of the pirates back and shot the other two. Beside her, she heard Garrus' rifle crack as he squeezed off a large-radius high impact shot. One batarian and the guy beside him flew back with their chests gaping open. He took down a third with a normal round and popped off the fourth as he swung his rifle up in their direction. Bullets slammed into the ice just below them from the fifth, sending crystal shards flying. They'd found them. That was all right. It was to be expected. "Fallback one," Garrus said as she'd expected.

"Roger." She backed carefully away from the ledge on her belly and they ran down the slope in a crouch. She paused occasionally to throw the enemy or lift them off of the ground and sling them into an outcropping, varying her direction so they couldn't pinpoint her location. When they reached the crew deck, he motioned her into position and she went obediently.

She estimated that half of the actual fighters on the ship had been dispatched. Their odds had gotten better in that regard but they'd lost the height advantage. On the other hand, the crew deck was accessible only by a narrow stretch that would serve as a funnel. The negative counterpoint to that was the ridge that ran behind the sleeper pods and could allow the enemy a height advantage. "Keep an eye on our ten," he said, reading her thoughts as usual. She nodded and picked off the last man from the first wave as the second wave poured out in all directions from the belly of the ship. "Escape hatch," he said approvingly. "Hey, Shepard, can you give me a throw field right in the center of--"

"Already on it," she said as two engineers and the turrets they were trying to set went flying. A bullet made Garrus' shields flicker and she rolled onto her back and fired at the ridge. He heard a scream and a body fell over the ledge. It was enough of a distraction for one of the engineers to get a turret up and a hail of bullets slammed into the metal of the ship.

She saw movement out of the corner of her eye and shot the pirate that had moved into position on the ridge where they'd been a few moments before. The hull of the ship below caught her eye. NORMANDY was written on the side in familiar white block letters. Bile rose from her belly and burned the back of her throat. She'd thought the ship looked too familiar and there was a distinct lack of turian bodies for what was supposed to be a joint mission. He'd lied to her. Her husband, her mate, had lied to her. He'd never lied to her before. Why would he do that? She shot another batarian as her mind tried to sort out what was going on. Fortunately, she'd always been able to compartmentalize and now she allowed her reflexes to take over as she thought the situation through.

The _Normandy_ was down. That much was clear. The Mako had already been on-site when they woke that morning. It had been stuck on a ridge when they left the vehicle. Thinking back, she realized there was an accumulation of detritus in the vehicle that indicated they'd been there for several days. It wasn't messy, exactly, but there were signs of habitation. The Mako never got so stuck they couldn't get it out even with her awful driving. He'd seemed very familiar with a crash site they were supposed to be reconnoitering. It was clear they'd been there for a while and he'd already explored the area.

If the _Normandy_ had crashed...she shot another batarian as the memories of the last few days came flooding back. She could remember everything, even the times when she'd been out of her gourd crazy. And he'd put up with it. He'd been patient and understanding and had taken care of her even when she was batshit insane. If she hadn't been sure he loved her when he jumped out of that shuttle, she had no doubts about it now.

"Hey, Garrus, I've got an idea," she said as another batarian dared the ridge and died.

"Go."

"First, how many actual fighters do you think are left in that ship?"

"A rear guard. Maybe five? But they could have slaves equipped with control chips that might resist a takeover as well."

"I have my machine pistol. I think I can affix it to the metal right here and lock the trigger so it fires on its own. Kind of like a turret. They'll think we're here and keep firing. Meanwhile, we sneak around and flank them. You throw some explosives in there, clear out as many fighters as you can, and we board the ship and get off this rock. We can come back for the Mako later. Or just leave it," she finished hopefully. She really did want to do dirty things with him up against that vehicle but there were other places.

"Oh, so you're telling me that one of those things I don't know about you is that you know how to pilot a pirate ship?" he asked.

"Shit. No," she answered, realizing the flaw in her plan. Her brain was still sluggish.

"Lucky for you, I do," he said. "Let's do this."

"Huh. Maybe there are some things I still don't know about you, too. Just one more thing I love about you." She got the machine pistol firing and moved around behind him. "Lead on, sir." She liked the way his eyes went kind of heavy when she used terms of rank with him. If she didn't know better, she might think it turned him on.

"So...what are the other things?" he asked.

"Needing your ego stroked a little, Commander?" she teased. Oh, yeah. It was turning him on.

"You realize you'd be a major in the turian army, right?" he asked, deflecting with humor. "So thanks for the promotion, by the way."

"I'm not in the Army," she reminded him. "What would I be in the turian navy? I don't remember your ranks."

"Ship Master," he answered.

"Hmmm. Master Vakarian. I think I'm demoting you."

"Tease," he grumbled under his breath.

"I heard that.

"So...about those other things..." he said hopefully. They were crouched behind the galaxy map. So far, the batarians just seemed confused. She threw a group of them against a rock to her left so that it looked like the wave had come from the crew deck. That redrew their attention. She wondered how much more the machine pistol had in it before it overheated. They just needed a few more seconds.

"Hmmm," she said consideringly. "You're smart, sexy, and a wicked shot. You don't judge me for having more sniper rifles than I have pairs of shoes. You think this is an ideal setting for a date. You keep my secrets. I can tell you anything. You keep me grounded. You look up to me but when I'm unfit for command because my fucking brain is bleeding and making me think all sorts of crazy things you can take over and not make me feel like I've somehow failed you."

He looked at her sharply. Her eyes were locked on his and she could tell the instant he realized that it was her. It wasn't a teenager on Mindoir or a scared green recruit or a Spectre in training. It was her. She was lucid. "You're back."

"Yep. Batarian to your left. Duck."

He ducked and she warped the pirate. They moved further on and slipped behind the pirate ship. From here, she knew his visor could pick up heat signatures within. "Ten hostiles. I'm not reading any life signs in the hold, so likely no...people," he said, correcting himself before he said cargo. He had a feeling she wouldn't like that term.

"What do you want to do?" she asked.

"You sure you don't want to take over?"

"This is your show, Vakarian. You've gotten us this far." She really was enjoying getting to see him in action. It was a few parts her style and a few parts all his own. She was impressed.

He nodded once. "All right. I'm going to toss a grenade through the cargo hold. Air lock is still open on this side. Wait for the explosion and then we make entry through the air lock. You fire a throw field as soon as we go in, take whoever's left standing off their feet."

"Aye aye."

He lobbed the grenade and she threw a barrier up around them in case it breached the hull. The asari commando was doing her knife dance in Shepard's skull again but she ignored the bitch. As soon as it exploded, they were moving. She went in first and threw the remaining six batarians to the ground. It wasn't enough to disable them but combined with the explosion it disoriented them enough that she and Garrus were able to quickly dispatch them. Two got shots off that dropped his shield and her barrier but didn't pierce their armor. She ran through the gore to the stern and slammed her fist into the control for the cargo doors, throwing back the batarians on the ground who were running toward it. Meanwhile, he shot the stunned pilot and took the helm, sealing the airlock. The entire thing took less than a minute.

She slid into the copilot's seat as he lifted off. "I wasn't finished," she said. Her head was pounding and she could almost see the knife driving into her skull but she needed to get this said.

"With what?" he asked, taking a last look at what easily could have been her final resting place. She saw his fingers clench and then he forced them to relax as he punched in the coordinates for Omega.

"Those 'other things,'" she answered. Holding up a hand, she started ticking off on her fingers as she said, "Going back to my brain bleeding. You didn't complain once when I kept you running around for almost two solid days because I thought we were being chased by a thresher maw. You didn't bitch once when I fucking shot you. You held me while I cried over Virmire. You fed me even when I bit you. You fabricated a mission that you knew would keep you running around for potentially another two solid days in order to avoid taking advantage of me or hurting my feelings by turning me down even though you've barely slept in over a week because I've kept you up all night trying to get a dead man to move his head. Oh, and did I mention the part where you traded certain rescue for almost certain death just so I wouldn't have to die alone?"

She came over and slid onto his lap so that she was facing him. She pulled off her helmet and let it drop onto the floor before slipping his off and letting it join hers. She had to do this before she slipped away again. He had to know how much she cared about him. Cupping his face in her hands, she said with intensity ringing in her voice, "You are the most loyal, giving, selfless, loving, brave person I've ever known, Garrus Vakarian. How could I not love you?"

"Well," he said, looking stunned, "when you put it that way..."

"Shut up and kiss me," she ordered.

He obeyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Love Is A Battlefield" by Pat Benatar  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGVZOLV9SPo


	6. Dreaming Wide Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another place and time, without a great divide  
> And we could be flying deadly high  
> I'll sell my soul to dream you wide awake

Shepard slipped into a coma thirty minutes out from Omega. It took every bit of his self-control not to panic and to get them into dock on the station. He swept her into his arms and ran to Afterlife, the seedy nightclub that was the de facto throne room for Aria T'Loak, Omega's de facto queen. He'd only been here once but once was enough to teach him the way things worked. He barreled past her guards and, with multiple guns pointed at his head, said, "This is Commander Shepard and she needs a doctor. Now. Please." The last word was ground out between his teeth.

Aria didn't look particularly concerned but he didn't think he imagined the flicker of interest in the asari's eyes when she heard the name. "My assistance comes at a price, Vakarian. Oh, yes, I know who you are. She's caused quite a stir in the galaxy and you, the turian never far from her side, are very recognizable these days. You're both already supposed to be dead. It doesn't matter to me one way or another if that changes. So what is it worth to you?"

"Name it," he said without hesitation. He knew it was a dangerous thing to offer but he'd already been willing to give his life for her. What did his soul matter? If she died, he'd lose it anyway.

"You're either very brave or very stupid," Aria said. "All right. There's a salarian running a clinic down in the slums. He's said to be very good. You may take her to him. We will discuss the terms of your repayment later. You do realize that you owe me whether she lives or dies, right? Good. And don't even think about trying to get off this station without my permission. You won't get within fifty meters of a ship without my consent."

"I'll be back," he promised.

"Follow the signs," she said with a dismissive wave.

He nodded and ran as smoothly as he could, holding Shepard's head to his chest to minimize jostling. He didn't know if movement would make it worse but he didn't want to find out. "Stay with me, Shepard. It's almost over. Don't quit on me now."

Omega was filthy. The smells of over-cooked levo food, unwashed masses, and years of dirt and grime combined into an oily miasma that burned his nostrils and clung to the back of his throat. His feet crunched on the trash that littered the streets and he leapt over a dirty, half-naked human child playing with an empty beer bottle in the middle of the street. He saw mercenaries roughing up civilians and his fingers itched for his gun but his assault rifle was either floating somewhere out in space or buried in ice back on Alchera and he'd need both hands for the sniper rifle on his back. Shepard's pistol was still lodged in the wreckage of the crew deck. Besides, he didn't have time to stop and help anyone. He had to save Shepard.

She loved him, was in love with him. Memories of that morning flashed through his mind. He wanted that future with her. Now that he'd had a glimpse of what could be, he couldn't imagine ever being happy with anything else. She was perfection. She couldn't have been any more right for him if she'd been made just for that purpose. He felt as though his heart had been ripped out of his chest and was now lying unconscious in his arms.

He followed the signs until he reached the clinic. "I'm looking for a salarian doctor," he told the human receptionist in a frantic voice. The man didn't look impressed. Doubtless he saw as bad or worse every day. This was Omega, after all.

"Patient's name?" he asked in a bored tone.

"Commander Shepard," he said, realizing he still didn't know her first name. It was enough, though, to make the man's head snap up. Even out here, her name carried weight. First human Spectre, savior of the Citadel, and all that.

"Go down that hall and take the first door on your right. Dr. Solus will be with you momentarily."

Garrus nodded and followed his directions. He found himself in a sparsely appointed room with a hard, narrow bed in the center. The sheet on it at least looked clean and the metal instrumentation sparkled. It wasn't the hospital or even the clinic on the Citadel, but the salarian was hygienic, at least. He laid her gently on the bed, holding her head so that he could control it all the way down, and took her hand in his. It lay limply and he pressed his forehead to the armor on her arm. "Please live, Shepard. Don't die on me now."

"What seems to be the problem?" said a clipped voice behind him.

"My omni-tool scans indicate a brain bleed concurrent with a moderate concussion. Ongoing for seven, no...nine days. She's been suffering hallucinations, headaches, and intermittent blurred vision for eight days. Lucid periods have been short-lived. She lost consciousness an hour ago," Garrus summarized as quickly as he could as the doctor scanned her with his omni-tool.

"Showing signs of recently-healed bone breakage, organ damage, first-degree burns, and slight malnutrition. Bleeding in brain...problematic. Recommend surgery," the doctor said with a nod. "Can perform here. Lucky, turian, that you came to me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Garrus looked around doubtfully. He was going to perform brain surgery here? "Are you certain you're qualified and equipped for this? This isn't just any human."

The doctor nodded. "Of course. Commander Shepard. Heard she was dead. Explains delay in treatment. Will be soon if I don't operate. No need for concern. Not just any salarian. Worked with STG special projects. Credentials impressive. You may wait in lobby. Tell receptionist to send Daniel, have Vrallah take other patients."

The salarian turned his back on Garrus, dismissing him and began talking rapidly to himself in an undertone as he competently stripped her armor. Garrus hesitated. He didn't know if leaving her here with this strange doctor in this little clinic on this disgusting rock was the right thing to do. Brain surgery. He'd known it would likely come to that, but he'd expected it to happen at the hospital on the Citadel. He'd planned to seek out a doctor to do something to help her so that she could make it back to Council space. He'd never intended for this to happen here.

"Go, Vakarian," the doctor said without turning around. "Mate is in good hands. Like I said, lucky it was me. Get Daniel. Would prefer not to operate alone." That spurred him into action. He went to the desk and passed the message to the harried receptionist and a few moments later, a human sprinted toward her room. Garrus sank down onto a hard chair and buried his face in his hands.

A short time later, his visor blinked, alerting him that he had an incoming transmission. It was Liara. He'd sent out messages earlier letting the crew and Captain Anderson know that they had survived and where they were going. He opened the screen on his omni-tool and Liara's face appeared. The rest of the crew hovered in the background. "Garrus!" she exclaimed. "You're alive! And the commander? Is she..."

"She's in surgery," he answered. "She's alive."

Joker's face cut in front of Liara. "How? Damn it, I watched you get spaced! How the hell are you two alive right now? And what the fuck were you thinking jumping out like that?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he said wearily.

"I'm believing in a lot of things I wouldn't normally believe right now. Sea monsters, angels, intellectual vorcha, people surviving getting spaced. Try me," the pilot said.

Garrus started at the moment he dove out of the escape shuttle and led them to now, leaving out the details that were too personal, private, or irrelevant to share. Parts of those days were theirs alone and he would take them to his grave. The crew occasionally interjected, asking him to repeat a part or clarify a detail. By the time he finished, they were looking at him in stunned disbelief. He couldn't blame them. He wouldn't believe it, either.

"Shepard space dives?" Joker finally asked.

"You didn't know that?" Kaidan asked.

"I did," Liara said smugly. She knew a lot of things about Shepard that others didn't after their mind melds. To her credit, she'd never told anyone anything she'd learned. Liara could keep a secret.

"Well, I didn't," Garrus said, somewhat perturbed that Kaidan had known something about her he didn't. "I thought she was insane but we didn't really have much in the way of options."

"She knows what she's doing," Kaidan said. "We went with some of the crew during shore leave once back before Eden Prime. She was the only one who didn't need to dive with an instructor. I'm impressed that her biotics were strong enough to handle all of that. Her amp must be top of the line."

"Did everyone else make it?" he asked, knowing she'd want to know as soon as she woke up.

"Everyone who reached the shuttles did," Liara confirmed. "As for the ones who didn't..."

"They've been laid to rest on Alchera. Shepard gathered their dog tags but we had to leave them behind in the Mako. When she's better, I guess we'll go back." He really, really didn't want to return to that planet.

"We'll all go," Liara said. "I imagine returning would be difficult."

"Where are you now?" he asked.

"We're on a vessel headed for Omega, actually," she answered. "We came as soon as we got your message. I've been trying to contact you for almost two hours. We have one more relay to go. Speaking of which, they're announcing the jump. We're about to lose you. Send me your coordinates and we'll find you."

___

The crew arrived to find him pacing the waiting area. The receptionist had called him over a half hour before to tell him that the doctor said that the surgery was going well but he wasn't reassured. He wouldn't be reassured until he saw her, awake and herself. Liara and Tali ran in and embraced him. Wrex followed with a clap to the back that almost knocked him over. Kaidan shook his hand. Joker shocked him when he sat down and wept. The pilot's hands were still encased in splints.

They all started talking at once, overwhelming his translator and he held up a hand as it screeched in his ear. "One at a time!"

Of course, they wanted to hear the story again. They'd heard it before but this time they could truly see his expressions and hear the varying tones in his voice. Tali and Liara kept a hand on his arms as he spoke. When he finished, Kaidan called Anderson and Hackett and he had to tell it all again. They didn't believe him, either. He honestly didn't give a shit if anyone believed him. All he cared about was that she live.

"Shepard is tough," Liara said soothingly when he began pacing the dim, overcrowded room again. "She'll be all right."

"Why is it taking so long?" he asked. "What if something went wrong? What if this doctor doesn't know what he's doing?"

"You said they updated you just before we got here," Kaidan pointed out. "They'd tell you if there was a problem. Brain surgery, especially on a biotic, is delicate and takes time."

"I didn't tell him she's a biotic," he said, turning to go to the receptionist.

Kaidan caught his arm. "They'll see the mark from her implant. You didn't have to tell them."

"What if he doesn't know how to operate on a biotic? What if...what if the damage is...is too much and she can't be fixed? What if she isn't her anymore?" he asked, grasping his crewmate's arm.

"She'll be fine," Kaidan said. "We all have to believe she's going to be fine."

Garrus' head turned as he heard rapid footsteps approach. It was the doctor and he looked pleased with himself. "Patient is stable. Surgery went well. Should wake up soon." When Garrus would have pushed past him, he held up a hand. "Must discuss possible complications."

That stopped him in his tracks. "What complications? I thought you said it went well?"

"It did. Extremely well for extent of damage found. Most reparable. Should regain total function. Timeline of recovery, however...problematic. Will need extensive cognitive therapy. May be deficits, confusion, memory loss. Issues caused by implant overload. Replaced with upgrade. New technology. Will need to learn to control again."

"That was dangerous, right? What kind of issues could that cause?" Kaidan asked.

"Unintentional usage, unintended effects of powers, unstable results. Throw field, as example. May have difficulty moving light object. May then throw krogan through wall. Unknown. Replacement necessary. New implant will better focus advanced latent ability. Can apply dampening bracelets if necessary. Will need another biotic to help focus abilities."

"We have two," Liara said.

"Good. Can do cognitive therapy here or can be done elsewhere. May go see her now, Vakarian. Others can visit after post-op exam," Dr. Solus said.

Garrus didn't need any more encouraging than that. He ran into the room and skidded to a stop. She lay on the table with tubes and wires running from her arms. Her skin was sallow and she looked thinner than she had that morning. Her head had been shaved and an angry red line ran across a spot on her scalp. She looked weak and defenseless but the rise and fall of her chest and the steady beep of machines told him that she was alive. He went to her and took her hand in his. It was warmer than it had been before. He hoped that was a good thing. He pulled a chair over and sat down beside her with his forehead against her arm. She'd survived the surgery. She would be all right. It would probably take time, but she would be her again. She was going to be all right. The worst was over. No matter how hard what came next was, the worst was over.

___

Her tongue was fuzzy and stuck to the roof of her mouth. When she tried to swallow, her throat threatened to stick to itself. She must have forgotten to drink before she went to sleep last night and slept with her mouth open. The bench of the Mako was harder than she remembered and Garrus had the lights too bright. She could see them through her closed lids. The way they pierced her head told her she probably shouldn't open them just yet. She had a bitch of a migraine. Her head was cold. Garrus must have had the door open recently because the air was chilly and the hum around her told her the Mako was running. She felt his head against her arm, though, so he was back from wherever he went.

"Water," she croaked in a voice that sounded weaker than normal. She felt weaker. She vaguely remembered a firefight, batarians' heads exploding, Garrus leading her around the crash site. Damn, she was proud of him. He was good. She remembered something exploding. Had she gotten knocked out? That would explain how she felt. How long had she been out?

"Shepard!" Garrus exclaimed. His voice was full of what sounded like relief. It made her wince.

"Not so loud," she whispered. "Head hurts." She tried to raise her hand so she could rub her temples but he stopped her.

"Do you know where you are?" he asked, quieter this time. "Do you know who I am?"

Oh yeah. She'd spent much of the last few days out of her mind. He wanted to know she was lucid. "You're Garrus Vakarian. We're in the Mako on Alchera. The. _Normandy_ crashed. Pressly, Ash, and Jenkins are dead. You and I aren't married and there are no thresher maws. But...there were batarians, right? That was real, wasn't it?"

"Yes. There were batarians. Do you remember taking their ship?" he asked.

More memories surfaced. The explosion was from his mines. They'd taken the ship. She told him she loved him. They kissed. They kissed a lot. And then...she vaguely remembered going back to her seat because...they were approaching Omega. Not the Mako, then. Omega. But why does she feel like this? "We're on Omega, right?"

"Yeah. You needed a doctor. You passed out just before we got here. You've had surgery. It went well. You're going to be okay."

Something in his voice made her reach out for him. Her seeking hand met something rigid and bumpy. His fringe. She'd never touched his fringe before. The skin there was a little rougher than everywhere else and the bone beneath was hard but she liked the way it felt. It was very uniquely Garrus. She felt his hand circle her forearm but he didn't stop her, so she continued to stroke it almost like a mother comforting her child by stroking his hair. He'd been afraid for her. She supposed if the situation had been reversed, she'd need some reassurance, too.

If the situation had been reversed...would she have jumped out of that shuttle? Suddenly, it was absolutely vital for her to know that. She pictured the scene again, but this time with her in first and him clinging to that wall and staring at her, telling her goodbye with his eyes. She remembered the desperate way she'd forced herself to crawl to him and the fear she'd felt when she thought he was dead. Without him, the rest of her life stretched out, empty and alone. He was all she had, the only person she truly loved with everything she was. No, she wouldn't have left him behind. Even if she hadn't loved him, she would never again leave a man behind after Ash.

"Hey, I'm okay. I'm here and I'm me," she said, turning her head and cracking her eyes open just enough that she could see him. "And you're here and you're safe. Do you know what this means? We survived. We made it. It's over. Shepard and Vakarian took on space and Alchera and batarians and we won."

"Ah. Patient awake. Thought as much. Dr. Mordin Solus, Commander Shepard. Assume Vakarian briefed you?" a salarian in a crisp white lab coat said as he entered the room.

"He said I had surgery," she said.

The doctor filled her in on what had happened while she was unconscious, her prognosis and treatment plan, as well as his recommendation that she remain on Omega. It was a lot to take in. A new amp, uncontrollable biotics, probable cognitive defects, a recovery measured in years rather than days or weeks. It was still better than dead. She thanked him, especially when he told her she could get back on her feet in a matter of days. At least she wouldn't be confined to a bed for long. He ran some tests and then left the room. She laid her head back, content to just be with Garrus in a place where neither of them were dying, the air outside wouldn't immediately kill them, they weren't at risk of freezing or burning to death. They were safe. Well, as safe as anyone got on Omega. She'd heard of the place even though she'd never been there before. Still, Omega's dangers were ones with which she was very familiar and no less than what she dealt with on any given day. And no one was actively out to kill her, so that was a good thing.

The doctor returned a few minutes later with a group of people behind him. They said her name and asked how she was feeling and were clearly glad to see her. They were careful not to hurt her but touched her as though trying to reassure themselves that she was real. Their smiles almost split their faces. Their care for her was a palpable thing. She had no idea that she affected people this deeply. She smiled and nodded and thanked them for their concern. Their looks changed to one of concern and she wondered what she was doing wrong. 

When they huddled together on the other side of the room, she whispered to Garrus, "Have I met them before? I meet so many people I can't keep up and it makes me feel bad when I run into them later and don't remember them. They look kind of offended. You go pretty much everywhere with me and that quarian and the krogan are pretty distinctive. I'd think I'd remember them, especially the quarian. You don't see many of them outside the Fleet. She must be on her Pilgrimage."

Garrus stared at her with a look of shock and said, "Shepard, that's your crew. You don't remember them?"

"My crew? No. I'd remember my crew. My crew is..." she trailed off, struggling to bring the faces of her crewmembers into focus. "Ash is dead. Pressly is dead. Jenkins is dead. That leaves...Ash. There's something important about Ash. I had to...I had to choose."

"That's right," he said in that patient tone he'd used over the past week when she was struggling to bring herself into focus. "You had to choose between Ash and someone else. Who did you choose to save, Shepard?"

"I chose..." A face flickered inside her head but was gone before she could make out any of his features. "It was a male. Human. A soldier?"

"Yes. Who was he?"

Across the room, one of the humans in the group cast a concerned look over his shoulder at her. His face looked vaguely familiar. "Was it that one?" she asked. "The one looking at me all worried?"

"Yes," he answered, following her gaze. "What's his name, Shepard?"

She tried. She stared at the man, willing his name to surface. Nothing came. She tried the others. The second human male made her think of laughter. She had a flash of memory of the escape shuttle. "I don't remember," she admitted. "But the other one...he was on the escape shuttle, right?"

"Yes. Can you remember his name? Or his nickname?"

"He's funny, isn't he?"

"He certainly thinks so," Garrus said with what she recognized as a grin.

Funny...humor...comedy...jokes.... "Joker!" she said proudly. The man across the room jumped. "He's Joker. He...flies the _Normandy_. Flew the _Normandy_. We had to get him from the cockpit. That's why you were in the shuttle with him."

"Good!" Garrus said. "There you go. The others will come."

She collapsed back onto the bed to the sound of, "See, I told you she liked me best."

"I'm so tired, Garrus," she admitted. Keeping her eyes open was a struggle. She felt like lead weights had been placed on them. The slab of a bed beneath her actually seemed to soften. When did simply trying to remember a name become a Herculean effort? She could sense that she had done big things, crazy things, but couldn't remember what they were. It was like her life began in that attack. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

In response, the doctor came over and pulled up a holo image on his omni-tool. It looked like a human brain. He gestured to the point where her amp was located. "Intracranial damage from amp located there. Removed built-up fluid, repaired damaged tissue. Will take time for brain to adjust. Memory loss normal. Will correct in time. No intentional biotic use until cleared."

"That's it?" she asked. "My amp is what caused all this?"

He sniffed and said, "Would like to remind you: you fell from orbit with no parachute. Biotic output required astronomical. Should be dead. Biotic amp ceased functionality days ago. Any subsequent biotic use impressive. Enough for battle? Increasingly impressive. Brain understandably traumatized. Needs rest."

"Wait," Garrus said, "you mean she fried her amp getting us to the ground safely?"

The man she'd chosen over Ash said, "No. You said her throw field wasn't strong enough even though you'd run the calculations multiple times and she had more than enough time to recharge and that her barriers were flickering when you hit the ground. She fried her amp getting you through the thermosphere, likely what made her barrier fail the first time. The rest of it was all her. I couldn't have done it even with my L2."

"You're an L2?" she asked.

"Yeah. It's a long story," he said.

"I feel like I'm missing something here," Garrus said.

The human answered, "She shouldn't have been able to do it at all without the amp. Her biotics aren't that strong on their own. Don't get me wrong, they're strong. Stronger than mine. But after that much prior output, she should have had a problem throwing a biotiball a few feet, forget a grown woman and an adult turian both in full armor traveling at a high rate of speed with enough force and precision to reflect the wave back at you and have it do anything. And then to hold a barrier that protected against debris falling from orbit fast enough that pieces were buried several feet into solid ice while severely injured and barely conscious? That goes beyond even the limits of self-preservation. Frying an amp causes crippling pain. I've seen men bigger and stronger than me drop to their knees screaming and clutching their heads from a fried amp. It feels like your brain is on fire. And using biotics without an amp causes intense migraines. Makes getting shot look like a friendly punch on the shoulder. It's the kind of pain that makes the brain think that shutting down the biotics is self-preservation, no matter what else is happening to the rest of the body."

"They're saying I was able to do it because of you," she explained. "The only thing I could think of was not letting you die. I had to keep you alive."

Since he was the only person she could remember well enough to trust, she let Garrus make the call about what to do with her. It was decided that, given her memory loss, she would take a leave of absence from the Alliance and they would remain on Omega, at least until she could differentiate between who she could and couldn't trust. The doctor said something about the Alliance possibly trying to whitewash her memory of the Reapers and, though she had no idea what a Reaper was, the very word sent chills down her spine. They're coming. She had to...she had to do...something.

The asari said that she could help with some of the memory issues since she had joined their minds, whatever that meant, and received some of Shepard's memories. She offered to do it again and return the memories but the doctor said that would have to wait until she had physically recovered. She was glad for his intervention. The whole thing sounded a bit too much like mind rape for her liking.

The others insisted on remaining as well. Joker said, "It's my fault she's in this mess in the first place. If I had evacuated when she gave the order, none of this would have happened. I won't be a burden. I can cook. Not dextro food, but I can cook for the rest of us. And I've known her longer than any of you except for Kaidan and she at least sort of remembers me."

Kaidan...that was the biotic's name. Kaidan..."Alenko. Kaidan Alenko. I chose you on Virmire because you were...with a group?"

Garrus nodded. "Yes. He was embedded with the salarians. You chose to save the group over the individual."

"Now, if I can just remember everyone else," she grumbled. A thought occurred to her. "I'm not a xenophobe, am I?"

The krogan laughed. "You're one of the least xenophobic humans I've ever met. You've known the other humans longer, that's all."

The doctor said, "Patient needs rest. Can come back later. Will likely release tomorrow if accommodations found by then."

Garrus sighed. "And that means I have to go talk to Aria."

"Who?" she asked. Garrus explained about Aria T'Loak and the deal he had made to get her here. Shepard didn't like him being beholden that way but there wasn't much she could do about it in her position. Kaidan volunteered to sit with her and the krogan and asari offered to go with Garrus in case he needed backup. Shepard really didn't want him going into a situation where he needed backup without her but he seemed to trust them and since she couldn't do much more than lift her head, she clearly couldn't help him.

The steady beat of the machinery was driving her insane. She couldn't remember ever being so exhausted but she couldn't sleep. The biotic, Kaidan, was blessedly quiet but she couldn't shake the feeling that she had to be on guard with him. She wished Joker had stayed but they were worried that her biotics would act up involuntarily and she'd hurt him. Kaidan or the asari could help her control them. She still didn't remember much beyond Kaidan's name but it was better than the blank wall she hit with the asari so he'd been chosen to sit with her.

Her concept of time was off as well. She had no idea how long Garrus had been gone and she was worried about him. He was her only link to her life. She could remember everything from the past week and the emotional memory stood in the place of longer term ones with him. She knew he'd stood by her through a lot. She couldn't remember what, but she knew he'd been there. She knew she trusted him with her life. She knew what he'd done for her and that he must feel the same way about her. It was enough for now.

She wondered who this Aria was and what kind of person she was. She pictured everything from a seductress to a warlord to a psychopath. He didn't seem to want her around Aria and that concerned her. She knew nothing about the station she was on beyond the flash of information she could remember thinking about when Garrus had input their destination.

Remembering a memory. That was her entire life before the attack. She remembered remembering Mindoir and Akuze but didn't know how accurate those hallucinations were. She was fairly certain Garrus hadn't been on Akuze even though she remembered him there. A lone turian in a human squad didn't make sense. She remembered remembering Virmire and had pieced together information about Kaidan based on that. The asari, krogan, and quarian had been there, too, but they hadn't been part of her team. It had been Garrus and Ash. She had no emotional connection to any of it. It was like watching a vid of someone else's life.

She wondered if she would ever come back from this. The doctor said she would but this was just a small clinic. If he was as good as he said, he should be in a major hospital somewhere like...the Citadel? Another memory surfaced, another flash. A massive space station closed around a giant ship while battle raged all around. Fear threatened to choke her. She had to stop...something. It slipped from her grasp and she made a sound of frustration. She felt helpless. She hated feeling helpless. Hated that these people, these strangers she was supposed to know, felt like they had to take care of her. Something deep inside told her that was her job. She was the one who took care of people.

"You shouldn't try to force it, Commander," Kaidan said in his quiet voice. "The harder you try, the more tired you'll get, and the harder it'll be for it to come on its own."

"I remember a ship, a giant ship...bigger than any of our dreadnoughts...inside a space station," she said.

"Sovereign," he said. "The Reaper."

That word again. She shuddered and felt desperation rise. She had to stop it. "Did it win?"

"No. We stopped it."

"Then why do I feel like I still have to?" she asked.

"Because there are more and they're coming. We slowed them down. We didn't stop them," he answered.

"Do we have help or is it just the Alliance? I assume due to the mixed-species crew that it's a joint effort."

He hesitated. "No, Commander. It's just us."

Her brow furrowed. "Why won't the other races help?"

"No. I mean, it's just us. Our crew, one admiral, and the human councilor. The Alliance and the Council are spreading the word that it was an isolated incident and that Sovereign was just a ship. Officially, Saren and the geth were responsible."

"We have to warn them!" she said, sitting up. Her head spun and her vision darkened. She fought the wave of dizziness that came but when Kaidan's hand pressed her back, she didn't resist.

He said, "We've tried. Anderson and Hackett are trying. You've spent the last six months going toe-to-toe with the Council. They're grateful for your assistance, you're a hero, they owe you their lives...and they're very sorry that the strain was too much for you to bear and they'll take it from here. Go do cleanup in the Terminus Systems as a token." His voice was bitter.

"Wait, they're saying I'm crazy?" she asked. Unfortunately, that wasn't too far off right now but it hadn't been that way before, had it? But if they thought she was crazy then, no one would listen to her now. She had to keep all of this under wraps. She had to sound completely normal when she requested leave. If anyone found out that she'd lost her mind, her credibility would be permanently shot. No one would ever again believe that she hadn't made it all up in her damaged brain or that it wasn't a result of her injury.

He sounded like he didn't want to answer. "They, uh, declared you MIA when you got spaced and then, when they didn't find your body they declared you KIA. We were preparing for your memorials when we got word from Garrus. Officially, you're both dead, though I'm sure that's being corrected now. But they're already putting out the story that you were misled by Saren."

"Who's Saren?" she asked.

"Damn, you really don't remember anything, do you?" he asked. He told her a crazy story about sentient ships, a rogue Spectre, geth, rachni, an indoctrinated asari matriarch, stealing a ship, a prototype mass relay, and a battle to save the galaxy. As he spoke, more flashes came to her but they were like snapshots rather than real memory. She supposed she should be grateful for even those bits and pieces as they told her the rest was still locked in there somewhere but it just frustrated her.

The doctor came in and examined her again. She asked him to silence the monitors and he did. Kaidan sat back and resumed his silence. Still, she couldn't sleep. Where was Garrus? How long had he been gone? Had something happened to him? She wanted to send him a message but didn't want to risk jeopardizing whatever he was doing. She didn't know why she assumed he was doing something dangerous but, from what Kaidan had said, that seemed to be a safe assumption in their lives. She'd gotten the impression that easy wasn't a way of life for her or the people who followed her.

"What kind of person am I?" she asked without opening her eyes. "Do you know?"

She heard him stir in his seat. Eventually, he said, "Ah, well, you're smart. You have an amazing mind for tactics and strategy. You're the kind of leader that makes people want to follow you into hell and certain you'll get them back out again. You're stubborn. You're selfless. You settle for nothing less than the best. You take anything you perceive as a failure personally. You're honorable. You have...integrity. You genuinely care about people but you aren't afraid to get your hands dirty when you need to. You're absolutely fearless. No matter what gets thrown at you, you never say you can't do it. You just figure out how to perform the impossible. You're kind. You're, uh, you're an amazing woman, Commander."

There it was. That tone. She understood her wariness. His feelings for her ran deeper than commander and crew or even friends. She wondered what their relationship was. Had they ever acted on his feelings? Had she ever returned them? Was there a history there that she wasn't privy to? What did he think about her relationship, whatever it was, with Garrus? There was just too much that she didn't know to feel truly comfortable.

The door opened. She would know that walk anywhere. Her tension dissipated. Garrus asked, "How is she?"

"She's awake," Kaidan answered. "Hasn't slept yet. I think she was waiting for you. How'd it go?"

She felt a familiar hand slip into hers and looked up into concerned blue eyes. "Hey," she said.

"Hey yourself. You were supposed to sleep," he admonished.

"I couldn't. What happened?" she asked.

Kaidan stood and Garrus took his seat without releasing her hand. "Aria rules everything on Omega and that includes the mercenary groups. One of them had a group operating without her consent that wasn't cutting her in like they were supposed to. We, uh, dealt with them."

"Garrus!" she exclaimed.

"I know," he sighed. "I knew you wouldn't like it. But it was the price for her help. I told her to name it, she did, I did it. I'd do it again. They're just mercenaries, Shepard."

"And if you were stopping them from hurting people or making it harder for them to run drugs or weapons, I'd be all for it," she told him. "But killing people because some upjumped asari with a god complex told you to...you aren't her junkyard varren, Garrus. It was a one-time deal, right?"

"I hope so," he said.

"It better be or we're getting the hell off this rock, Alliance be damned."

"It'll work out," he said, but he didn't sound convinced. There was something in his eyes that she didn't like. "What else?" she asked.

He ran a hand over his fringe. "I, uh, killed a vorcha. He was robbing this elderly human couple, threatening them. So I shot him."

"Were they okay?"

"Yeah. Shaken, but all right. The woman called me an angel. I don't know what that is but it sounded like a compliment."

"It was," she said and she and Kaidan explained the concept of angels to him.

"Maybe an archangel," he said when they finished.

She smiled. "Yeah, that fits," she agreed.

"You're not mad?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm mad," she said and his face fell. "But not at you. I'm mad at Aria for thinking she can snap her fingers and have you do her bidding. I'm the only one that gets to do that."

"Yes, ma'am," he said with a laugh.

___

Dr. Solus released her the following day. Garrus had been busy. With the asari and quarian's help, he'd rented an apartment large enough to house all of them and had gotten it furnished. It was nothing fancy but it would do. The first level had a large common room with several couches and a vid screen along with a connecting kitchen that Joker had gotten stocked. There were a pair of bedrooms downstairs as well. The second level had another bedroom and a long room with a sitting area that overlooked the first. The back of the room was enclosed and they'd set up bunks. It reminded her of a barracks or a ship's crew quarters. Garrus liked it for the bridge that connected it to the rest of the level and for the series of tunnels below. It was an easily defensible position which, she was learning, was a good thing on Omega. The station was awful. It was dingy and reeked of filth. Crime was rampant. The dull orange glow of the station's lighting meant it was cast in perpetual twilight. To counter this last, Liara had purchased live plants and Tali had arranged for bright lighting that she said simulated natural light and that the quarians used on the Flotilla. At least at home, they would be able to block out their surroundings.

They elected to maintain their normal ranks as they all planned to resume their service together once she'd recovered. Kaidan, knowing that his leave would be shorter and that he would have to return before the rest, conceded the position of second-in-command to Garrus. Honestly, she admitted, she was in charge in name only but it was a sign that they expected her to return to functionality and that he would be in charge only temporarily. She appreciated the gesture.

She and Garrus took the rooms on the lower level. Tali and Liara took the one upstairs since they were the only other two females. The rest of the men shared the bunkroom. They quickly settled into a routine. Joker and Tali cooked and cleaned. Liara and Kaidan worked with her on controlling her involuntary biotic outbursts. Wrex stood guard. Garrus connected her to herself when the hallucinations resumed. She'd insisted on learning all of their names, but the others were still strangers to her. They were bored out of their minds with all of the downtime.

No one went anywhere on Omega alone. Shepard couldn't be trusted to know where she was at any given moment and going in pairs or groups was the safest way to navigate Omega. A week after they arrived, Garrus and Liara accompanied her to the clinic for her second round of therapy with Dr. Solus. The first had been an infuriatingly frustrating experience that had led to her shouting at him and accidentally throwing a datapad at his head. His reflexes were quick and he caught it in the air and then continued as though nothing had happened. She wasn't looking forward to her second session.

When the mercenaries rounded the corner in front of them, Shepard had to deliberately focus on not using her biotics to throw them back as she and Garrus dove for cover. Liara threw out a singularity field that caught three of them and then wrapped herself and Shepard in a barrier while Shepard activated the portable shield generator that Garrus had insisted she carry. The movement was unnatural and, by the time she had her shields up, Garrus and Liara had already taken down all but two of the mercs. Shepard took the second while Liara placed the first in stasis.

"Did that feel like an ambush to you two?" Liara asked.

"Too many for a random hit," Garrus agreed, scanning the pile of bodies littering the roadway. Around them, people who'd scrambled out of the way of the gunfire got up and continued on their way. Random street violence was nothing new on Omega.

Shepard strode forward and, once Garrus had secured the last thug, a human, and Liara removed the stasis field, demanded, "Who sent you?"

The merc spit at her. "Fuck you."

Shepard didn't have the patience to deal with this. She pulled out her pistol and put it in his face. "I'm going to ask you one more time, who sent you?"

"I ain't telling you shit, dumb cunt," he snarled. Before she realized what was happening, her fist glowed blue and the man's eyes glazed over. "The Shadow Broker sent us to capture you."

She looked at Garrus. He looked as confused as she by his sudden turnaround. "Tell me everything you know about this."

"The Shadow Broker has put a bounty on your head. Dead or alive, doesn't matter, though the price is higher if you're alive. We aren't the only ones looking to collect. That's all I know," he answered docilely.

"How did he contact you?" she asked as a dull ache creeped in behind her eyes.

"One of his agents told us. Feron. A drell," he said.

Liara said, "Shepard."

Shepard ignored her. Her head was beginning to pound. This was not the time for another one of her migraines. "Where can I find him?"

"Shepard," Liara again.

"He hangs out at Afterlife when he's on the station," the human answered.

"Shepard!"

"What, Liara!" she shouted. She was trying to question this man and that damn asari commando was back with her knife dance. Liara's concerns could wait.

"Let him go," she said.

"Why?" There was a bounty on her head. She wasn't just letting that go.

"Your biotics," Liara said. "I don't know what you're doing, but it's biotic."

That would explain the blinding pain in her head. Looking down, she realized her fist was still blue. She tried to focus but this was new. She hadn't built up the muscle memory for it. Nothing happened. "I can't."

Liara stepped forward and took her shoulders. "Breathe. Close your eyes."

"Embrace eternity." The words were out of her mouth before she realized what she'd said. She didn't know why she'd said it.

Liara laughed softly. "Not this time. Just focus. Find the manipulation point. Picture it in your mind. Then trace it back to the source and cut it off. You know how to do this."

She tried but all she could focus on was the pain. It was white-hot and pierced her eyes. She felt herself sway. "I can't," she said again. She couldn't see it.

"Screw this," Garrus said and broke the man's neck.

The pain instantly receded as the connection was cut. Shepard's legs gave out and she fell into Liara. Weak. She was so weak. Garrus and Liara put their arms around her and half-walked half-dragged her the rest of the way to the clinic. She helped as much as she could, hating every dragging step. She was Commander Shepard. This was unacceptable. She could defeat a Reaper but she couldn't fight herself.

Dr. Solus took one look at her and shook his head. "Use of biotics unacceptable. Delays to healing time. Incapacitation. Amazed she is still conscious. Warned you of dangers."

"She didn't realize she was doing it," Liara said, jumping to her defense. "And then she couldn't stop it."

Shepard sank down onto the table and held her head in her hands as the doctor injected her with something. "What the hell was that? One minute he was fighting us, the next minute he wasn't resisting at all."

"Ah. New skill. Domination. Form of brainwashing. Effects temporary. Like hacking mechs' IFF but with organics," Dr. Solus said.

"I don't know that I want to be able to do that," Shepard said. "What other new skills do I have that I don't know about?"

"Type of advanced throw field. Much more powerful. In case of further space dives," he answered.

"Was that a joke?" she asked.

"Perhaps mild attempt at humor," he conceded.

___

"What do you mean, the Shadow Broker is going after Shepard?" Tali asked incredulously. 

Garrus snapped, "Exactly what I said. I want two people with her at all times outside the base and at least one inside. We'll start taking watches. Kaidan, make up a schedule for guard duty for both Shepard and the base. They can overlap as long as she's here. Keep yourself on it until the Alliance calls you back. Liara, if you can dig up information on people who've been dead for fifty thousand years, you shouldn't have any trouble getting some on someone who's currently alive and probably still here. See what you can find out. Tali, Shepard needs a tactical cloak. Make it happen. Wrex, I want a report on structural weaknesses and suggestions on increasing security for the base. This place is going to be a fortress."

Wrex said, "I can do that, but this is all defensive. We can't just sit here and wait for them to come to us. It isn't our style. We need to go on the offensive."

"Wrex is right," Kaidan agreed. "If we spend all of our time waiting for an attack that may never come, we'll all go crazy. We're the _Normandy_ crew. We hunted down Saren and Sovereign. We can take on the Shadow Broker."

Liara said, "If we're planning on doing that, we're going to need a lot more people, especially considering that Shepard needs to be guarded."

Shepard stood at that and Garrus didn't like the look in her eyes when she held up a hand. "No," she said. "You are not all going to put your lives indefinitely on hold for me. I'm a liability. I'll go back to the Alliance. Meanwhile, the rest of you can go back to...wherever you're all from and try to get your people prepared for the Reapers."

Kaidan shook his head. "That's a really bad idea, Commander. Word will get out and the Council will just use that to enhance their cover-up."

"And what happens if I never get better?" she asked. "Then you've just wasted your time on a woman who doesn't even know who you are."

"Shepard," Garrus said, "let Liara--"

"No," she cut in curtly. "I don't know her. I don't trust her. Until I know that allowing her into my mind isn't going to give her access to classified data, I cannot do that. I may have before but the parameters have changed now and I can't make that call without more information." 

He decided to let the matter drop for the moment. She was beginning to exhibit signs of irritation and if he pushed now, the situation would only escalate. Mordin had warned him about the possibility of mood swings and that her condition might get worse before it got better. It had been Garrus' own fault that he hadn't believed that it could get any worse than it had been; however, in many ways, this was. She was still hallucinating. Her memories were spotty. She recognized their team now but only because of the time she'd spent with them here on Omega. Kaidan had quizzed her on people they'd known before Eden Prime and, unless they were related in some way to Akuze or Mindoir, she had no recollection.

"All right," he conceded, "but we're not going anywhere. You put me in charge for a reason. Let me lead."

"Fine. We'll do it your way." She didn't like it, but she conceded and they spent the remainder of the night preparing for a potential assault and discussing recruiting help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Dreaming Wide Awake" by Poets of the Fall  
> http://www.poetsofthefall.com/lyrics/dreaming_wide_awake/
> 
> I've been trying to stick to completed works but I really liked this one until I got stuck here. I've got some new ideas for it so plan to add more to it and finish it up.


	7. Let It Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had plans to make you whole  
> But all my threads couldn’t stop the bleeding  
> There’s nothing left, but I’m not leaving  
> When all I know is you
> 
> I’ve been looking for a way to bring you back to life  
> And if I could find a way then I would bring you back tonight  
> I’d make you look, I’d make you lie,  
> I’d take the coldness from your eyes  
> But you told me, if you love me,  
> Let it die
> 
> Your eyes stare right through me  
> Ignoring my failed attempts to  
> Breathe back life into your veins  
> But I can’t start your cold heart beating  
> You’re so far gone, but I’m not leaving  
> When all I know is you
> 
> And you left me more dead than you’ll ever know  
> When you left me alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: By popular request, the next chapter. This wasn't an easy one to pull off. I've been dealing with a serious case of writer's block on this story. It may get edited a bit in the near future. Also, I've added a few paragraphs to chapter 6. 
> 
> I don't normally trigger warn, but I'm putting one here for a suicide attempt in the very beginning of the chapter.

"Shepard?" Garrus asked. "What are you doing?" There was a knife in her hand and her arm was bleeding. He mentally kicked himself as he ran to her and took the weapon. "Shit. Shit. Shepard, what the hell?" he demanded. An application of medigel later and he had her bandaged up but his heart had yet to stop racing. This wasn't the first time she'd tried to harm herself but it was the first time she'd succeeded in doing so. 

They'd been on Omega for more than a month and her condition wasn't improving. Dr. Solus continued advising them to be patient but the strain was only making it worse for her. She was convinced that she'd become a burden to her crew and that they would be better off without her. She'd tried contacting the Alliance and Tali, fortunately, had intercepted the transmission. She'd asked Dr. Solus to put her into a coma while her brain healed but he didn't have the resources and insisted that she would only get better with exposure to the people she knew and continued therapy. She'd requested to be admitted to an inpatient psychiatric facility and he'd refused that as well, stating that her problem was physiological in nature rather than psychiatric and being in a hospital would only delay healing. She'd tried sending the crew away but they had ignored her orders. With all of her other avenues cut off, she'd apparently decided that she should have died over Alchera and began attempting to do what she thought of as setting it right. He was almost certain she had become convinced that the doctor was wrong and that her condition was permanent.

He pulled her into his arms and rocked her slowly as she sat stiffly. "Shepard," he said, "you can't do this. Don't do this to me." She didn't respond and he placed his forehead on hers as he tried to think of something that would bring her back to him. It wasn't just that she wasn't improving. She was getting worse. She interacted more fully with the dead who surrounded her than with the living and had even begun pushing him away. There was something they were missing and he was terrified that they weren't going to figure it out in time. He was losing her even as he struggled to hold on. "I can't do this without you," he said. 

He picked her up and carried her into his room. He no longer felt that she could be unsupervised even at night. She didn't respond as he laid her on the bed and climbed in beside her. He propped himself on an elbow and watched, waiting for her eyes to close as she fell asleep. She didn't. She stared at the wall as if watching something on the other side. He saw a silver drop of liquid trail from her eye and meander down to hang suspended from the tip of her nose. Her face was slack and her eyes were blank. He drew her to him and held her limp body as he prayed to all of the spirits to bring her back to him. He couldn't do this without her. Watching her slowly slip away from herself, from him, was torture. He would give everything he had to bring her back. Even the time in the Mako on Alchera was better than this emptiness. He found himself almost missing those days on the frozen planet. At least then she had been herself even if it was varying phases of herself. This nothingness was heartbreaking.

When she hadn't come around by morning, he took her to the clinic. She was in an almost catatonic state and the doctor could find no cause for it. Kaidan suggested that she had given up. Garrus stared at him incredulously, unwilling to believe that she would do that. She'd never given up. Giving up wasn't in Shepard's vocabulary. Even trying to end it all was an act of defiance for her. He begged. He pleaded. He shouted. She stared through him like he wasn't even there. "You said she would get better," he growled at the salarian.

"Recovery dependent on Shepard," the doctor said. "Thinks she's a burden. Thinks she won't recover. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Nothing more I can do. Perhaps time to consider admitting to long-term care facility."

"You're giving up on her?" Garrus demanded. 

" _She_ has given up," Mordin said. "Can't help her."

"Shepard," he said, kneeling in front of her and taking her cool hands in his own. "Look at me. You can't do this. We need you. Come back to me, Shepard."

"Maybe he's right," Kaidan said slowly. "We aren't helping her. Maybe it's time to let someone else try."

"I promised not to let her go," Garrus said. "I wouldn't do it then and I'm not doing it now."

Liara stepped forward and said, "Garrus, let me join my mind with hers. You and I both know there's nothing she has to hide from me and that if she were lucid and remembered me, she'd consent."

He looked from Shepard to Liara and said, "Do it."

The asari placed her hands on either side of Shepard's head. Shepard didn't move. Liara's eyes went black and she grimaced. Garrus watched, holding his breath until his chest began to hurt and he remembered to breathe. Still, Liara remained melded to Shepard. This was already longer than any of the times she'd done it before and he began to worry. He was reaching for Liara when she stepped back, gasping, and held up a hand to stop him. He waited anxiously until she said, "She hasn't given up. She's trapped."

"What do you mean, she's trapped?" Garrus asked.

Liara said, "She has retreated so far into herself that she can no longer find her way back out. She's aware of what's going on. She just doesn't know what to do. She views you as her anchor but is afraid that she's dragging you down so she's let go. I gave some of her memories back to her and she's trying to sort through them now. I can help her do it. It's just going to take time."

"You can bring her back?" Garrus asked.

"I think so," Liara said.

___

The days passed in an agony of desperation. In addition to hunting for the drell the thug had mentioned and trying to find out why the Shadow Broker wanted the commander, Liara spent hours sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of Shepard as Garrus watched for any sign that she was coming back to them. He was surrounded by his friends but had never felt so alone or so helpless. When he wasn't with Shepard, he was out on Omega, trying to do as much good as he could in this wretched place and to distract himself from the empty-eyed woman waiting back at the base. He accompanied Liara on one of her trips to Afterlife and found a turian being attacked by a group of krogan. After dealing with the offenders, he sat down for a drink. The turian identified himself as Lantar Sidonis and he thanked Garrus for his assistance. They began discussing the roving mercenary gangs who held Omega's residence hostage to fear and Garrus felt himself growing angry. This was something he could do. This was a difference that he could make. He remembered the discussion with the crew about recruiting and offered to let Sidonis join their team. The other turian wanted to help and it would be a relief to have someone of his own species around. 

They found Vortash and Weaver next. Vortash was a batarian and Garrus was hesitant about bringing him around Shepard at first but after seeing his skill with explosives and the way he protected the human adolescent, Weaver, he decided that this might be a good thing for her. He did warn Vortash to be alert and to expect her to try to kill him at some point. The batarian didn't seem concerned. Mierin and Melenis, a pair of asari sisters, came along the next week. They'd heard what Garrus and his team were trying to do and wanted to help. Ripper, an older human female who reeked of alcohol but could hack any system placed in front of her, found them. Garrus teamed up each new member with one of the original crew and, after some training, they began their assault on Omega's gangs.

"What's wrong with her?" Weaver asked one night, looking at Shepard who was sitting on the cracked leather couch. 

Garrus looked up from the rifle he was cleaning and said, "It's a long story."

"Why do you keep her around?" the teen asked. "It'd be easier to go after the gangs if you weren't always having to watch her."

Garrus clenched his teeth and told himself that it was a sensible question and one that deserved an answer. Sidonis sauntered in, popping a piece of charred meat into his mouth before saying, "Turians don't abandon our mates."

"She isn't my mate," Garrus said.

"That's not what your subvocals say," Sidonis countered. He turned to Weaver and said, "Don't listen to him. He's in denial. Mating is instinctive for us. We don't always have a choice in the matter."

"Can't control who you love," Weaver said.

"Exactly," Sidonis said. "Only it's a bit deeper than that. He'll die before he lets anything happen to her. As long as she's alive, he'll take care of her even if it's difficult, even if it's inconvenient, and even if she doesn't realize he's doing it. And she's sick, which makes him even more determined. Humans are strange. You think you have to save everyone but you treat other humans as disposable. We don't do that."

Garrus said, "She saved the galaxy. If it weren't for her, none of us would be sitting here right now. She's earned loyalty."

"She just stares. It's creepy," Weaver said. "Is she even in there?"

"Yes," Liara said. "And she can hear you, so show some respect." She knelt in front of the commander and her eyes turned black. Garrus went back to polishing his rifle.

"She moved," Weaver said a few minutes later.

"What?" Garrus asked.

"She moved," Weaver repeated. "Her hands clenched and she smiled. Look."

Garrus looked over to see Shepard with her lips quirked slightly and her hands moving slowly in her lap. It wasn't much of a change, but after weeks of expressionless catatonia, it was clearly evident to him. He wanted to reach out and touch her but was afraid of disturbing whatever delicate balance Liara had managed to strike with her. He saw her mouth move as if she was saying something and his heart leapt in his chest. Liara said, "Take her hand." He reached out without hesitation and Shepard gripped his hand. Her hold was loose but it was solid. Liara blinked and looked at him. "I want to try something. Do you trust me?"

"Yes," he said immediately.

"I've been speaking with Melenis and Mierin," Liara said. "It is possible to meld with two individuals at once. It would take intense concentration to keep everything separate and I likely won't be able to hold it for long but I think I can serve as a bridge between the two of you."

"Okay," he said. "What do I do?"

"Close your eyes," she said and he felt Liara's hand against his. "Embrace eternity."

He'd never melded with an asari before and didn't know what to expect. It certainly wasn't the mental image of a galaxy spread out at their feet like a blanket of diamonds on velvet. The room around him fell away and he saw Liara standing on what seemed to be an invisible floor. Beside her, Shepard looked at him. She was actually looking _at_ him rather than through him and his breath caught. "Shepard?"

"Garrus," she said. "I remember Liara now. And Tali and Wrex and the rest."

Liara said, "I've been giving her good memories. I figure the more unpleasant ones can wait. You are her favorite."

"Of course," he said lightly. "It's my devastating charm."

Shepard reached out and took his hand and said, "Welcome to my mind." 

They turned and he saw a horizon forming. It grew until they were bathed in white light and then he saw shapes begin to form. Bright yellow-green grass appeared under his feet, stretching out to join with a stand of trees with leaves the color of fire. More trees lined a dirt path and, overhead, the sky was almost painfully blue. A sun hung high in it, casting its golden light down and warming his plates as a cool breeze blew across his fringe and rustled the papery brown leaves piled at the base of the trunks. He saw a young human girl with her hair divided into two of those things Shepard called braids. Her hair bounced against her back as she ran alongside a boy whose similarity to her was uncanny. The boy was larger than she but she was faster. She raced ahead of him, laughing brightly. The boy's eyes narrowed and he put on a burst of speed that allowed him to catch her unaware. He knocked her into the pile of leaves and she dragged him down and began throwing them at him. He stuffed a handful down the back of her shirt and she crushed another handful and sprinkled the pieces over his head. Eventually, they collapsed back into the pile, breathing heavily but smiling.

"My brother," Shepard said. "John."

"I didn't know you had a brother," he said.

She said, "He died a few weeks after this. I don't remember how."

Liara answered, "He fell from a tree. I didn't think you would want that one yet."

"No," Shepard said. "Let me just hold this one for a little longer."

Mindoir faded away and was replaced by a human military base. An older version of the little girl stood in a short line of soldiers in light armor. They looked weary, bruised, and battered but exultant. Their camouflaged uniforms were filthy and their boots were scuffed, suggesting they'd just completed a mission. Shepard stood with her spine straight and her rifle angled down as the man he recognized as Admiral Hackett walked up to her. His eyes glittered and his smile was proud as he pinned a shining silver and red badge to her chest. She winced slightly as he slammed his fist against it seven times but her lips turned up in a wide grin and Garrus realized that the pin hadn't had a back. The admiral had stamped the sharp posts into her skin. When he withdrew his hand, Garrus saw the N7 logo on the badge and realized that it was her graduation ceremony. He also noticed that the admiral hadn't done that with the others. This wasn't a turian tradition but it was apparent that there was meaning behind it. 

When he looked curiously at her, Shepard said, "It's called blood pinning. It went out of favor for a long time in the twenty-first century but there were still people who'd carried on the tradition. It's done by a superior officer or a family member who's attained the status being given to a soldier who has gone above and beyond when they reach a significant point in their career. One guy in the unit before mine was pinned by his father who was one of the first N7 graduates. It's considered an honor. This was particularly meaningful because it was Hackett who rescued me from Mindoir and helped me get into the military in the first place so it was a sort of rite of passage for me. Seven times for N7. I still have the scars. He was blood pinned himself by his mentor."

"One more," Liara said, "and then I'm going to have to let go."

The base faded away and he found himself in the Mako with Shepard kneeling on the floor in front of him as she opened a ration pack. He was leaning forward on the bench seat and Garrus realized that this was on Alchera. He heard himself say, _I love you, too, Shepard_ , and he saw again the way her face lit. Shepard looked at him and said, "This is my favorite. Did you mean it?"

"Always," he said, pulling her into his arms and placing his forehead against hers in the move that transferred his scent onto her and, to a turian, was a wordless expression of deep emotion. "Come back to me," he whispered.

"I'm trying," she said, reaching up to cup his mandible in her hand. "Don't give up on me."

"I won't let you go, Shepard," he vowed. The Mako dissipated and the light receded until they were once again standing among the galaxy of stars. He registered peripherally that they were fading away but kept his eyes locked onto hers until she, too, began to fade and he could no longer feel her. 

The apartment came back into focus in pieces. He felt the stiff leather of the couch creak beneath him and heard the murmur of voices around him. Someone was cooking and the smell of something levo seeped into his awareness. A boot scraped on the tile floor. He opened his eyes to see Weaver and Sidonis watching them curiously and Liara rubbing her head as she swayed slightly. The joining exhausted her and he knew that she would sleep for several hours, especially after one that taxing. He looked finally at Shepard and the change between the vibrant woman he'd just been with and the pale ghost who haunted their space was jarring. She still held his hand but her fingers were looser than they had been. They tightened slightly, however, when he put his forehead to hers again. She could hear him. She knew he was there. He would make sure that she knew she wasn't alone.

That night, when he laid her in the bed beside him and drew the blanket over them, she turned on her own and placed her head against his shoulder before going still again. His arms tightened around her and he nuzzled her hair, ignoring the way it tangled against his mandibles, and breathed in the scent of her. He, Liara, and Tali shared the task of bathing her and he'd come to particularly enjoy washing and brushing her hair. It fascinated him, the way the strands moved individually and seemed to have a mind of their own, the silken texture of them, the multitude of ways that it could be arranged. It was one of his favorite parts of her and he threaded his talons through it now. Her fingers twitched against his chest and he repeated the motion. A part of him hoped that she was coming back and he imagined her sitting up and looking at him but it didn't happen. He consoled himself that he'd been able to communicate with her and that she was reacting even if those reactions were small. It was enough for now.

___

"He's here," Wrex said over the comm.

"Roger that," Garrus responded and looked over to Liara. She glanced briefly at him, acknowledging that she'd heard as well. He shifted casually in his seat and took a drink of his whiskey as he surreptitiously scanned the club. He caught sight of the drell approaching the bar near Liara's location. The hooded cloak he wore cast his face in shadow but there was no mistaking the ridge of frill along his cheekbones or the dark, liquid eyes beneath the hood. It was confirmed beyond doubt when he reached out a scaled hand with fused middle fingers to take the glass the bartender offered. Drell were the only ones with hands like that. It was the contact the thug had told Shepard about, the one they'd been trying to find for weeks. 

Liara sidled over to him and Garrus saw her hands glow blue before the drell froze in place. No one around them seemed to notice or care that she'd placed him into stasis and she leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Garrus went to join them and took the drell by the arm. Together, they led him out of the club and into a darkened alcove where Liara released him. Garrus said, "Tell me everything you know about the bounty on Commander Shepard."

"Hello, Officer Vakarian. Dr. T'Soni," the drell said calmly. "I suspected you'd been searching for me."

"Answer the question," Liara said.

"And what question would that be?" the drell asked infuriatingly. "All I heard was a demand for information. I don't give that away for free. It's bad for business."

"So is a broken neck," Garrus pointed out.

"True," the drell said, unperturbed. "But then you'd lose the only lead you have. Perhaps I need to explain the way this works. You need information. I am an information broker. I need credits. You are Archangel. Raiding mercenary groups is a lucrative business. You give me credits. I give you information."

Liara said, "You work for the Shadow Broker. How do we know that the intel you provide is good? Why would you help us, Mister...?"

"Feron," he said. "Just Feron. No one has ever accused me of having particularly high morals, but there are some things even I find abhorrent. Working with the Collectors is one of those things. And that's all you get until you pay up." Garrus transferred the credits to him and he said, "Not here. Too many eyes. Let's go back to your base."

"You are not--"

"Relax," Feron said. "I already know where it is and if I'd been willing to give it to the Broker, you'd have been raided already. You haven't been because I've told him I can't find it."

"I don't believe you," Garrus said.

Feron gave the location of the apartment and said, "What about now? Or would you like me to give you the door codes and the patrol schedule?"

"Fine," Garrus snarled. "Come on."

They took a taxi to the next district over from the base and made their way through back alleys and random shops, doubling back and utilizing stairwells, rooftops, and sublevels in order to separate and identify any followers. He had misgivings about bringing this man to Shepard but the drell already knew everything he needed to know to harm her. If his intentions were not good, they'd simply kill him and be done with it. He warned Vortash to keep his eyes sharp and led Feron and Liara into the living area where Joker and Kaidan were swapping insults next to Shepard and Ripper was hunched over a datapad with a bottle of clear alcohol between her legs. Everyone but Shepard looked up at their entry and Feron said, "So it's true. She is lost in tu'fira."

"What?" Garrus snapped.

"She's trapped in her own memories," he said. "It generally happens in us with the loss of a lover but it can happen after any traumatic experience. I don't think it usually happens the same way with humans but she does have a brain injury and that can do strange things. All right, what do you want to know?"

"Why does the Broker want her?" Garrus asked.

"He's working with the Collectors," Feron answered, lowering the hood to reveal a rainbow-colored face. "They want her. I don't know why."

"What will he do to get to her?" Liara asked.

"Whatever it takes," Feron said. "He's ruthless and he has a veritable army at his disposal--with disposal being the operative word as failure often results in death."

"What can we do to keep her safe from him?" Garrus asked.

"Take him down," Feron answered. "Alternatively, you have to pose a greater threat to his business than breaking a contract would."

"How do we do that?" Liara asked.

Feron shrugged. "Hell if I know. No one knows what he looks like. Everyone who's ever seen him in person is dead. I don't even know if he's a single person or a group operating under the title. I don't know where his primary base is. I do know where one is located but that's going to cost a hell of a lot more than what you've given me. You're asking the wrong question, though. Why do the Collectors want her? That, unfortunately, I don't know yet. I'm trying to find out. It won't matter if you get rid of the Broker if they keep coming for her and we're very close to their territory here."

"Activity on the perimeter," Vortash called out. "Biggest damn salarian I've ever seen. He's got a pair of turians and three krogan with him along with something else that I've never seen before."

Feron froze and said, "Oh, shit. That's Taz!"

"You son of a bitch," Garrus snarled, grabbing Feron by the collar. 

"No!" Feron shouted. "I didn't lead him here, I swear! I hate Taz!"

Garrus threw him across the room and Liara put him into stasis. The team ran in and he said, "Kaidan, Liara, get Shepard upstairs. Ripper, hack their comms. Tali, get Chitika on the bridge. Wrex, you're with her. Mierin, Melenis, take the basement. Make sure they don't have someone trying to flank us. Vortash, go with them and be ready to blow the tunnels. Sidonis, with me."

"What about me?" Weaver asked. 

"You're guarding him," he said, gesturing to Feron. Weaver was a decent biotic. Her powers weren't very strong but she had endurance and could keep the drell in stasis for as long as necessary. "Joker, take the windows and watch for air support."

They took up their positions and Garrus knelt by the wall of the dorm room that overlooked the bridge into the base. Beyond the salarian's team was a platoon of soldiers. He thought it was damn convenient that they chose to show up when the Broker's informant was here. He'd deal with the traitor later. For now, though, he had to keep Shepard safe. He tossed her rifle to Kaidan. He didn't know if she'd come out enough to use it but he couldn't leave her unarmed. Liara erected a barrier around herself and Shepard and Kaidan stood at the ready, prepared to fight to defend them if necessary. Garrus sighted down on one of the turians with the massive salarian and took the shot. "Open fire," he ordered. Tali's combat drone flickered to life on the bridge and Wrex glowed blue as he cast a warp at one of the other krogan and blasted it with his shotgun. The two of them charged each other and began to fight. Sidonis' rifle cracked and the other turian went down. Garrus overloaded the salarian's shields and lined up his shot but the salarian rolled to the side and came up firing. Garrus and Sidonis ducked back behind the wall. His comm crackled to life and he heard the salarian order the troops forward as Wrex shot the krogan he was fighting and Chitika went for the other. 

He grunted in pain when one of the salarian's slugs hit him and glanced down to see blood bloom against his armor. A moment later, he heard the report of a familiar rifle and looked over to see Shepard beside him. She squeezed the trigger and the salarian spun around but didn't fall. She shot him again and Garrus said, "I should have known a firefight was what you needed."

"What?" she asked, sounding confused.

"You come alive during a firefight," he said. "It's what brought you back on Alchera."

"What do you mean, 'back'?" she asked as she threw a group of soldiers off the bridge. "And where are we?"

"You don't remember?" he asked and sent a concussive round into another group.

"It's patchy," she said. "I think I've been out of it for a while."

"We're on Omega. Those people down there want to kill you. The people inside the base now are all friends except the drell. Oh, and there's a batarian in the basement. He's...an ally. Try not to shoot him," he said. 

"Batarians are never allies," she said, shooting a krogan after Wrex warped its barriers. 

"This one is," he said. "He's got a human girl he watches out for."

"A slave, you mean," she snarled. "Honestly, Garrus, I thought you knew how they are."

"Trust me, Shepard," he said, refusing to allow her temper to get to him. He'd known Vortash's presence would be a touchy topic with her. He just hadn't been expecting to discuss it in a firefight when she wasn't all here.

"I trust you," she said. "I don't trust batarians. Who's the turian?"

"Sidonis," the other turian answered for himself. "Nice to meet you."

"What the hell are all these people doing here?" she asked Garrus.

"Long story," he said as he lined up another shot on the big salarian. He just would not go down.

"Hostiles in the basement," Vortash said over the comm. "Don't think I need to blow the tunnels yet. The sisters and I have it under control." 

Shepard's mouth tightened but she didn't speak as she focused on the battle below them. Behind them, Joker said, "Gunship, seven o'clock."

"On it," Sidonis said and left the wall. Garrus heard glass break behind him and Kaidan took Sidonis' place. His pistol wasn't effective at this range but his biotics worked even from a distance and he didn't seem willing to leave Shepard's side. Garrus approved. He didn't know how long she'd stay lucid. The salarian reached Wrex and the krogan charged and caught him by the horns on his head. One sharp bash of Taz' head to the bridge railing removed the salarian from the equation. He heard Wrex laugh. Without Taz to focus on, they were able to turn their attention to the rest. He heard a roar and a crash and then Sidonis notified them that the gunship was down. The shock troopers faltered as their comms scrambled and they were easy to take down after that. When the sound of battle died down and he received confirmation that all of the hostiles had been terminated, he stood. Shepard rose with him and collapsed her rifle. He wanted to speak with her but needed to deal with the drell first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Let It Die" by Starset  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJtBYAKBByk


	8. Drag Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I didn't have you there would be nothing left  
> The shell of a man who could never be his best  
> If I didn't have you, I'd never see the sun  
> You taught me how to be someone, yeah  
> All my life you stood by me  
> When no one else was ever behind me  
> All these lights, they can't blind me  
> With your love, nobody can drag me down

Shepard watched Garrus stride purposefully down the stairs. The turian, Sidonis, shared a look with Kaidan and Liara that made her think he knew both of them and Garrus better than she would have expected. He wasn't new, then. Her head spun with questions. She wondered why Kaidan was on Omega rather than with the Alliance. Surely, they hadn't been sent here on a mission. The Alliance had no jurisdiction in the Terminus Systems. There were no geth here. Had they come here to resupply, then? Why was Wrex downstairs? He'd gone back to Tuchanka. Why were they staying in an apartment rather than on the _Normandy_? And why had Garrus added members to their team? She remembered him saying something about Alchera and that brought fuzzy images of the Mako stuck on a frozen world and of a firefight with the batarians who'd raided her home but she thought that her wires must have been crossing. She had the impression that she was missing something big but couldn't quite identify what it was. Clearly, something had gone wrong and Garrus, of all people, had assumed command. Where the hell was Pressly? He was her XO and, in his absence, Alenko. So why was the crew looking to Garrus for guidance? She was so confused.

A human girl was holding a drell in stasis in one of the small back rooms and nodded to Garrus as they came in. Shepard asked, "What are you doing with him?"

Garrus answered for her. He grabbed the rainbow drell by the throat and threw him into the wall with a viciousness she'd never seen from him. His knee came up into the drell's belly, causing the captive to double over and wheeze in pain. His dark eyes were wide and he held up his hands but Garrus disregarded the gesture. "She's holding him for interrogation," Garrus snarled, throwing the drell into the wall again. "Because he led those operatives right to us!"

She put a hand on his arm and said, "Easy there, Garrus."

"All right!" the drell shouted. "All right! I used you as bait! I knew you'd spring the trap and get me what I need but it benefits you, too! I can help you find the Shadow Broker!"

"The Shadow Broker?" Shepard asked. "Why are we looking for the Shadow Broker?"

No one answered. Garrus was growling about killing the drell, who was shouting almost incoherently, while Liara glowed blue and cursed in asari. A cacophony of voices added themselves until the din was pounding against her head. She put her fingers between her lips and gave a piercing whistle before saying in her most commanding tone, "Everyone, stand down! One of you is going to tell me what's going on and no one is doing anything until that happens."

Silence fell. Garrus held the drell by the throat but stopped just short of extending his talons. Liara looked at her and said in a soothing tone, "What is the last thing you remember, Shepard?"

"Pressly bitching about the mission," she answered. She saw Garrus' face fall and his mandibles go slack but didn't understand his shock nor the dismay that she saw on Liara's face.

Liara cleared her throat and said, "That will take more time to explain than we currently have, I'm afraid. Can you simply trust for the moment that there are things going on of which you are not aware and that we have it under control? At least until the current crisis is over? You did put Garrus in command."

"I did?" she asked, rubbing her forehead. She didn't doubt Liara. Her crew was more than a team. They had become her friends and her family. They wouldn't lie to her. When she saw the others nod in confirmation, she stepped back and said, "Carry on, then. But I want a full sitrep ASAP."

"Aye aye, ma'am," Kaidan said with a grin that looked like relief.

"And, Garrus?" she said. "Command doesn't mean beating prisoners because you're pissed off about something."

"He sent in a team to kill you," Garrus said in a dangerous voice. "I should shoot him right here."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," she said.

He grumbled but released the drell who began to talk. Shepard didn't understand the context of what he was saying. She didn't know who Taz was or why the Shadow Broker was interested in her and his story about the Collectors sounded far-fetched to her ears. The others seemed to be following, though, so she remained quiet and looked around the apartment while Garrus questioned him. Her hand went to her missing sidearm when she saw the batarian come through a door behind the stairs but the young human girl joined him and didn't seem to be either distressed or cowed. A pair of asari she'd never seen before followed him and she saw an old, drunken human woman hunched over a terminal. Sidonis leaned up against the wall and watched everything with a detached air. Shepard wondered if the apartment belonged to one of them and how her crew had gotten mixed up with the motley group. Garrus had called them allies. Why did they need allies? Was it because of the Shadow Broker? That was a powerful enemy to have but she and her crew had killed a Reaper. The Broker had nothing on Saren, Sovereign, and the geth.

Joker hobbled up to her and said, "Hey, Commander. Good to have you back."

"Where have I been?" she asked, listening to the conversation in the other room with half an ear. The drell was claiming that the salarian had information that would lead them to the Broker. "And why are you here? Why aren't you on the _Normandy_?"

Joker rubbed the back of his neck and said, "Uh, well, about that.... You should probably talk to Garrus." With that, he turned and hobbled away. 

Garrus allowed the drell to go with a guard to the body of the big salarian Wrex had killed and then sent him off with Tali and the drunk woman. The rest of her crew and the strangers made themselves scarce as Garrus and Liara led her to a cheap, battered couch that was marred with bullet holes. She didn't know if they'd been there before the attack or not. Judging by the state of the place, someone had tried to fix it up but the fact was that it was a hideout on Omega and no amount of houseplants or fancy lighting was going to make it aesthetically pleasing. The linoleum floor was scuffed and stained, the furniture was second-hand, and the walls were tinged with yellow from the dirty Omega air. It looked and smelled clean, however, despite its rundown appearance and, from what she knew of Omega, that was a feat in and of itself.

The looks on her friends' faces were serious and she knew that whatever had happened had been bad. An attack, perhaps, that had left the _Normandy_ crippled. Something had happened to her ship. That was clear enough. Joker rarely left it even on shore leave and the familiarity he showed with the apartment told her that he'd been here for long enough to feel comfortable. There was also the way that the strangers deferred to Garrus and her crew. There was no reason for them to do that if this was her home and she'd seen Liara and Tali's things in the room where they'd held the drell. There were other signs of her crew's habitation of this space. She'd lived with them for months and knew the signs. There was the faint musk that accompanied all krogan and about which Joker liked to complain. Tali's workspace on the table in the back corner was unmistakable. The smell of Kaidan's cooking lingered in the air. They had been here for some time, which meant that she had lost a portion. That was likely due to a head trauma, which meant that she'd been injured. An attack was the most likely, but what could have defeated the _Normandy_? Even Sovereign had been unable to do that. 

"Tell me," she said.

Garrus and Liara looked at each other and Liara said, "It might be better to show you."

"All right," she said without hesitation.

Liara knelt on the floor in front of her in a way that looked like habit and Shepard felt the asari's cool, velvety hands on her own as she closed her eyes. A moment later, there was a surprisingly familiar shift as their consciousnesses melded. This wasn't the jarring, disjointed array of almost painful imagery that had come with their previous joinings. Her mind didn't struggle to keep Liara out as it had before and the transition was far smoother than on previous occasions. She recognized the reason for this as soon as the images began to come. They weren't from Liara's point of view but from her own. This had been done before, in the lost time, and often enough that Liara now knew her way around Shepard's mind as well as she knew her way around the ship. Shepard watched as the alarms began to sound and she ran through the burning ship. She saw herself order Garrus and Liara to get the crew onto the escape shuttles, witnessed Garrus' refusal. The scene unfurled in a way that made her feel as if she was reliving all of it again. She felt the shock as Garrus threw himself out of the escape shuttle, struggled for air as she recalled drowning, felt the wonder of realizing that his feelings for her went deeper than friendship and the sorrow of knowing they would die. Liara led her through the fall to the planet and the days that followed where Garrus had gone above and beyond to care for her. She simultaneously remembered and forgot Liara as they went through the days that had come and gone on Omega. By the time Liara brought her forward to the present and released her, Shepard was shaking and felt as if months had passed in the time they'd been sitting there rather than the minutes or hours that it had taken. She began to shake as her mind attempted to process the flood of information and piece it all together into a steady stream of memory. 

Garrus' hand in hers was comforting and she looked at him with renewed admiration. "Why?" she asked.

"You know why," he said. 

"I...thank you. That doesn't approach adequate but...thank you," she said.

"I'm just glad to have you back, Shepard," he said. 

"We're still going to talk about that batarian," she said. 

"Give him a chance, Shepard," he said. "Vortash has been loyal."

Tali, Ripper, and Feron returned to the room. Tali said, "It's good information but it won't get us to the Broker."

"It's a lead," Feron said. "With that information, we can get to one of his bases and begin to put the pieces together. Information gathering is what I do. Look, I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I needed that intel and I knew I couldn't take Taz on my own. You could."

"And well done," a new voice said. Everyone in the room turned and those who were armed drew their weapons. Shepard called up her biotics and flared her barrier out. The woman stood beside one of the asari. She was tall and curvy with a mane of thick, dark hair and an air of bemused superiority. Shepard distrusted her immediately. 

"Who are you?" she asked.

The asari answered, "I found her trying to sneak into the base. She said she was here to see Shepard. I took her weapons, but she's a biotic."

"Miranda Lawson," the woman said. "I have an offer for you, Commander Shepard."

"What do you want?" Shepard asked.

"My boss would like to speak with you and present an employment opportunity we think you will find interesting," Lawson said. 

"Who is your boss?" Garrus asked.

Lawson smiled secretively and Shepard said, "Wait. I recognize that logo. You're with Cerberus." She stood and walked over to the woman. Lawson was taller than she was in the high-heeled boots she wore and smelled distinctively of expensive perfume but the look in her eyes and the muscle tone revealed by the clinging white catsuit she wore told Shepard that she wasn't simply a pretty face. There was a sharp mind behind that haughty gaze. None of that mattered to Shepard. "You can leave of your own volition, tell your boss to take a flying fuck, and never come back here or your dead body can be carried out of here and left for the varren," she said coldly.

"You haven't even heard our offer," Lawson said. "I would advise at least listening."

"I know enough," Shepard told her. "I will never work for Cerberus. Leave. Now. And be glad that I don't believe in taking an eye for an eye. Cerberus owes me fifty."

"This mission has nothing to do with that, Commander," Lawson protested.

"I don't care. Go," Shepard said. 

Garrus said, "Mierin, show her out, please."

"The next Cerberus member who shows their face here will lose it," Shepard said. "Spread the word."

"Shepard," Garrus said, "are you sure we want to send her out, knowing where we are?"

"I have no intention of harming you or your people," Miranda said. "If you change your mind, let me know. I've sent my contact information to your omni-tool. Also, you should know that the job involves the Collectors."

The asari escorted her out and Shepard sank back down onto the couch and put her head in her hands. Her eyes felt like they were weighted down with lead and there were still things to be done. She felt as if it had been ages since she'd woken up in Garrus' arms that morning. They needed a plan and one that was more cohesive than their current one. She understood that, while they were here, Garrus wanted to do things to help the people. She could support that, though she thought that his methods could be better. They needed to get to the bottom of the Shadow Broker issue. Finding out that it had been the Collectors who had destroyed her ship and that the Shadow Broker wanted to kidnap and sell her to them made that a priority. She would deal with the Shadow Broker but she was also going to deal with the Collectors. _Without_ Cerberus. That meant that Kaidan needed to return to the Alliance and do what he could to get them prepared for both that issue and the coming Reaper invasion. She thought she had her mind back but, until she was certain, she wasn't going to do anything that could risk her credibility. She also wanted to get to know the new team members and evaluate them herself. She trusted Garrus' judgment but some of them--like Vortash and Ripper--just didn't seem like a wise addition. When she relayed all of this, however, Garrus insisted that she get some rest first. She had to admit that it was probably a good suggestion as she was struggling to stay awake and felt as if her eyes had been coated in sand but she had so many thoughts bouncing around in her brain that she didn't know how she would ever actually sleep. They also wanted her to see Mordin before taking on any leadership responsibilities again and she could understand their concern.

"What are we going to do with the drell?" she asked. "We can't exactly keep him imprisoned here but I'm not certain it would be the best idea to let him go."

The drell in question said, "You aren't the only one the Shadow Broker is going to be after now. I'd prefer to stay here if you'll let me."

Liara leaned in to Shepard and said quietly, "You remember that new skill of yours? You handled your biotics earlier and didn't seem to have an issue with it."

Shepard nodded as she remembered the memory of dominating the Shadow Broker's thug. She turned to the drell and said, "Tell me where your loyalties lie."

His eyes glazed and he said, "With myself."

 _Well_ , she thought, _that was true enough._ It didn't give her the information she sought, though. "Who do you work for?"

"The Shadow Broker. Cerberus. You," he answered.

Her eyes narrowed and she said, "What's your connection to Cerberus?"

He answered, "They hired me to collect information that would convince you to work with them on the Collector threat."

"Why?" she asked. 

"The Collectors have attacked human colonies. They believe that you are the only person who can complete the mission to destroy them. Your Alliance isn't taking the threat seriously," he said.

"Are you still or do you intend to continue giving the Shadow Broker information on me?" she asked. 

"No," he said. "Even I have lines and working with the Collectors is one of them. I want to take him down."

"Are you going to report on us to Cerberus or anyone else?" she asked.

"No. Miranda is your contact now," he said.

She released him and said, "All right. He can stay. Confiscate his omni-tool and any datapads or other communication devices and make him sleep in the bunkroom under guard."

Tali hurried to comply and Garrus took Shepard by the arm. "All right. That's enough work for today. You need rest. Come on."

"I'm not a child, Garrus," she said.

"No," he agreed. "You aren't. But I've spent months watching you fade in and out of reality and I'm not going to risk your health because you think you need to jump straight back into the fray."

She allowed him to steer her into the bedroom they shared. She had wondered if their sleeping arrangements had changed now that she no longer needed direct supervision, but the apartment was already beginning to get crowded and, for now, this seemed like the wisest course of action. She stripped down to her underwear and slid between the sheets. A moment later, the bed dipped and she felt Garrus behind her. She thought that, at this point, she would likely have difficulty getting to sleep without his warm, solid presence beside her. She rolled to face him and wrapped an arm around his neck as the events of the past months came crashing down on her in the dark room. "Why did you do it?" she asked again. "It would have been easier, better, smarter to let me go."

He said slowly, "I couldn't bear the idea of a life without you. The galaxy would be damn empty without you in it. My life would be empty and dull. Losing you like that would have left me little better than a husk. I'd have been a shadow of a man living the rest of my life in that series of moments, wishing desperately to be able to go back and change the past. You finding me on the Citadel and allowing me to join your crew was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was rash and impulsive and lazy but you saw something in me that I couldn't--hell, still can't--see and you were determined to bring it out. You groomed me. I wouldn't have been capable of doing what I've done when you first found me. You're the one who taught me how to lead, how to make wise decisions, when to shoot and when to hold my fire, and that there is almost always another option if you just shift your perspective a little. My father taught me to shoot. The Hierarchy taught me to fight. You taught me how to be a man, a _good_ man. I couldn't leave you behind."

She nuzzled his neck and said, "You are the only person who's ever stood by me the way you do. I've never had anyone I truly trusted at my six before. I've never had anyone who's seen all of me and still supported me. You have no idea what you mean to me. We're a good team, Garrus. With you behind me, anything is possible." She slid her other arm around his waist to hold him more tightly.

"Yeah, well, I--ahhh," he sighed as her arm tightened. "Uh, Shepard? What are you--" he hissed in a breath. 

"What's wrong?" she asked, freezing in place. Had she just committed a major social faux pas? Did turians even hug? She'd never seen one do so now that she thought about it. With their prominent keel bones and collars, she couldn't imagine it being very comfortable for either party. He gingerly lifted her arm off his waist and draped it higher on his chest. She felt the tension bleed out of him and tilted her head back with a curious expression.

"The waist is a...sensitive area for turians," he explained.

"You mean I just groped you by accident," she said.

"Ah, well, yeah," he admitted. "You didn't know. I'm not, ahem, _opposed_ to the idea of doing it on purpose. I think. But I, uh, I don't know, Shepard. I don't exactly have a human fetish."

"Oh," she said, feeling her insides twist. She'd made a serious misjudgment. His actions hadn't been love at all but duty and responsibility mixed with loyalty. She must have completely misread him. He cared about her, of that she was sure, but it wasn't in the way a man cared about a woman. He didn't want her. She felt a knot of disappointment form in her throat and carefully withdrew her arms. "Sorry," she said and turned away from her, feeling her face burn. Of course, he wouldn't reject her when he knew she was out of her mind. He'd made sure nothing had happened between them but he wouldn't risk hurting her when he knew she was sick. Maybe love had an entirely different connotation with turians. Maybe he'd just kissed her on the batarian ship because she'd ordered him to. That was both a blow to her ego and entirely humiliating. He was her best friend and she'd made him distinctively uncomfortable at a time when he couldn't come out and say so. 

She felt him rise up onto an elbow and look down at her. She wished he'd just pretend nothing had happened and go to sleep. Instead, his hand trailed up her arm and he said, "Hey, Shepard, what's wrong? What did I say?"

"Nothing," she said. "It isn't you. You've been remarkably patient with my eccentricities and I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

He turned her face so that she was looking at him and said, "Shepard, you could never make me uncomfortable. Nervous, maybe, but never uncomfortable. Damn it, I'm screwing this up. I don't have a human fetish but this isn't about that. It's about you and me. I just...don't even know if it can, ah, work between us. If it does, then hell yeah, I'll try it with you. But I think we need to put a lot of thought into it before we jump in. Maybe talk to Mordin or someone, see if we can figure it out. But if you're thinking I don't want you, you're wrong." His breath fanned over her ear as he spoke and then his stiff lips were trailing down the side of her neck, making her breath catch in her throat.

"I'm not going to break if you don't want this, Garrus," she said. "We're on Omega. There are turian females here. You aren't going to lack for companionship."

"I don't just want companionship, Shepard," he said, nuzzling the back of her head. "I want a partner. I want _you_. Wasn't expecting you to be the insecure one. I'm, ah, not exactly the smoothest with the ladies. Put a gun in my hand or give me something to calibrate and I'm good. Somebody I care about? I get it wrong every time. I don't want to get it wrong with you."

She turned to face him and put her hand over his mandible. She smiled and said, "Garrus, you're perfect just the way you are. If you really do want this, we'll figure it out. And, for the record, I'm not really good at...all of this when it's someone I care about, either." She pressed her lips to his and then tucked her head against his cowl. His fingers delved into her hair and he began running them through it while making a purring sound that reminded her of a big cat. She remembered him doing that at times in the Mako when they'd been cuddled together on the bench seat and she hadn't been talking about kicking Jenkins in the head. "Is that contentment?" she asked.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah, I guess that would be the closest word," he said. "Is it bothering you?"

"No," she told him. "It's soothing."

"Good," he said. "Get some sleep, Shepard. I'll be here if you need me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Drag Me Down" by One Direction  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwgf3wmiA04


	9. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause all I see are wings, I can see your wings  
> But I know what I am and the life I live,  
> And even though I sin, maybe we are born to live  
> But I know time will tell if we're meant for this

"What do you mean, you're going after the Shadow Broker with Feron?" Shepard demanded.

Liara wrung her hands together and said, "Look, Shepard, someone needs to do it. Feron is our best lead at this point. He believes that he can get us to him. I won't engage the Broker directly. I simply wish to locate him or them so that we can then take action."

Shepard put her hand to her forehead and began to pace. She was losing her crew one by one and, while she knew it was necessary, Liara had come to feel like a lifeline both to her past and her present. Shepard didn't trust Feron and, while she was confident in Liara's abilities, this seemed to be beyond the scope of the bookish asari. She couldn't even send any of the crew with her. Kaidan had returned to the Alliance. Wrex had gone back to Tuchanka. Tali had been recalled to the Fleet now that her Pilgrimage was over. If she had not gone when she did, she'd risked being removed from quarian society. Shepard, Garrus, Liara, and Joker were the only ones left. Now Liara wanted to go, too. She'd been able to accept the others leaving. She could even accept it if Liara were asking to leave to prepare her people for the Reapers. But Liara was wanting to go off on her own with someone she barely knew who'd admitted his loyalties lay only with himself in order to help Shepard. 

Garrus put a hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him. "She isn't a child, Shepard," he said.

"Yes, she is!" Shepard exclaimed. "One hundred and six is still young to an asari. She told me that herself."

Garrus held up a hand when Liara opened her mouth to protest. Liara closed it and stepped back. Garrus said, "Tali was a child as well. All of us were a hell of a lot younger a year ago. Well, maybe not Wrex, but that's beside the point. Think about everything Liara has seen and done since joining your crew. I don't think it's possible to experience what we have and still be a child. She certainly isn't inexperienced. You taught her well, Shepard. Now you have to trust that and let her go."

"Fine," Shepard sighed. "You can go. But I want regular status updates and if Feron lets a single, uh, if he lets you get hurt, I will find him and there will be no force in this galaxy strong enough to protect him."

Liara nodded and said, "He is terrified of you. He will not betray me. If he tries, he will find that I am also someone to be feared."

Shepard bit back the urge to laugh, knowing that it would hurt Liara's feelings and shake her confidence. She simply looked so...cute. Like a varren cub practicing its growl. She wanted to be ferocious but it wasn't quite in her nature just yet. Shepard couldn't help but wonder how Liara had managed to hold onto that air of innocence after everything they'd witnessed. They'd learned that there really were monsters hiding in the dark spaces, that good and evil could reside simultaneously within a person, that gods were real and were not always benevolent and could die just like everything else, that being proven right did not equate to being believed, and that the ability of an individual to deny even the most blatant facts that challenged their worldview was only exacerbated when the individual became a group. Shepard could state without a shred of doubt that she had certainly become jaded and felt as if she had come to see the world as it actually was rather than the way that she wanted it to be. Justice did not always prevail any more than rationality. People were infinitely faceted and the same person could both justify the most horrendous of actions and perform the kindest and most selfless of them without either being untrue to their nature. Those who could be trusted, those who would willingly step up to help, those who did not put their own self-interests first were by far the minority but they were by no means unheard of and were to be cherished for their rarity. What little innocence Shepard had maintained after Mindoir and Akuze had been stripped away during the hunt for Saren and she did not know how Liara had retained her own. She also wondered what it would take to rid her of it and hoped that, whatever it was, it would not happen soon. Something told her that it was a vain hope.

Shepard ensured that Liara was equipped with the best armor and weapons that could be found on Omega and had a private talk with Feron before sending the two of them out. By the end of it, she was reasonably confident that he had taken her warning seriously and that she had convinced him that no amount of money or threat of pain would be more than what he would suffer at her hands should he betray her friend.

"What now?" Garrus asked when they were gone. 

"Now, I contact the Council," she said. "Mordin has cleared me. The Alliance is aware that I am alive, though they've put me on indefinite leave of absence. I don't know how much good we can do in getting the galaxy ready, but I can't just sit idly by."

"You aren't leaving?" he asked, sounding alarmed.

"I have a mission, Garrus," she said. "A war is coming and we are not ready. I can't stay here and play vigilante with you."

"No," he agreed. "But you can train me."

"What?" she asked.

"I want to formally reapply for Spectre training," he said. 

"What about your team here?" she asked. 

"They can help," he said. "You had a team, too."

Shepard sighed and shook her head. "Let me talk to the Council. I'll let you know."

She almost thought that they were dismayed that she had survived the attack. Only Anderson appeared glad to see her alive and in one piece. The others were quick to inform her that they had dismissed the Reaper claim and had decided to present Sovereign as a creation of the geth under Saren's control. Anderson did his best to mediate but she could see that he, too, was angry. Shepard supposed that she should have anticipated this reaction. Hadn't she just been musing on the power of denial a few hours ago? It took every ounce of her self control to stop herself from railing at the Council. She'd learned from experience that no amount of reason or shouting or pandering would change their minds when fear was allowed to rule. The only thing that she could do now was damage control and to attempt to circumvent them in order to prepare the galaxy at large. In order to do that, she needed as many resources in place as she could get. Garrus as a Spectre would be one of those resources and the turians had just lost two. It wasn't difficult to convince them to allow her to take him on as a trainee. She got the impression that they were simply throwing her a bone but it suited her purpose, so she accepted it. That did not mean that she was happy as she stormed out of the room that they'd set up as their central operations.

"I need to shoot something," she told Garrus. 

"We could take a walk through the Gozu District," he suggested.

"Sounds like a plan," she said. "We're getting short on medigel anyway. We can stop by and see Mordin to restock." They left through the garage tunnel as they had not used it in some time and attempted to keep their entrance and exit locations random. This would also allow them to check on the single skycar they'd acquired, their supplies, and the tech mines that Vortash had planted in case of a raid on the base. 

Shepard still did not like Vortash. She doubted she ever would regardless of how good he was to Weaver or how loyal he was to the group. He was a batarian and that was enough in her mind to make him a villain in their midst. He was only still allowed in the group because Garrus trusted him and she was all too aware that her own views were biased. She was similarly uncertain about Ripper but, despite being a drunk, the woman was almost as good with electronics as Tali and that was saying something. Weaver was a sweet but streetwise girl who brooked no nonsense and was far tougher than she looked. She was still wary and distant but Shepard thought she'd come around. Mierin and Melenis, the asari sisters, kept to themselves for the most part but they were confident fighters despite being trained by mercs and had proven to be a good source of information on the inner workings of the Eclipse gang. Sidonis was her favorite, perhaps because he was so like Garrus and she was glad that her friend had finally found a kindred spirit of his own species. She got to see a new side of Garrus when Sidonos was around and the latter, who'd had a relationship with a human in the past, didn't hesitate to translate for her or point out to her the things that were species-specific that she'd been missing out on because she either couldn't hear or understand them. 

"Mercs, ten o'clock," she whispered as they rounded a corner. "Four turians, three humans, and a batarian." Garrus nodded and she could see his eyes sparkle behind the visor of the blue armor set she'd acquired for him since his old set had been all but destroyed getting them to Alchera. She realized that he had been going just as stir-crazy as she. They were accustomed to almost daily action and the waiting was getting to both of them. He drew his rifle in that smooth way he had and waited as she expanded her own. They found cover and began their dance of death. A part of her wished that she could afford to close her eyes and take in the sound of their movements, the smell of spent heatsinks and smoke and blood, the energy of the battle around them. There weren't enough of them to truly present a challenge, though, and it was over too quickly to truly savor. It was enough to take the edge off of her irritation but not enough to soothe it entirely.

As they walked, Shepard outlined her plan for his training. Garrus had already been with her on almost all of her missions. He knew how she worked and had taken the time to learn her thought processes when she made decisions. It was time for him to step up and begin leading. The Council had assigned her an undercover mission in the Terminus Systems, though they had no true power here and she suspected it was more of an attempt to keep her out of the way so that she wouldn't cause trouble with their cover-up. However, it was the perfect place to train a new Spectre and the team he'd put together was imperfect enough to be a perfect training tool. Their mission here was to quietly put a stop to the drugs and weapons that flooded into Council space every day. It was exactly the kind of mission for which Garrus was suited--as long as he was able to control his hot-headed nature. 

They reached the clinic without further trouble and found Mordin's staff hastily tending to an influx of ill patients. Shepard looked around and asked his assistant, Daniel, "What's going on here?"

"Commander!" the boy said, looking up from a patient on a gurney in the hallway. "Dr. Solus will want to speak to you. Third door on the right. Keep your helmets on."

Shepard and Garrus cast curious looks at each other and proceeded to go in the direction Daniel had specified. The salarian doctor was surrounded by gurneys on which lay a variety of patients. He was speaking to one of his nurses but broke off when he saw them. "Shepard, Vakarian, glad you're here."

"What's going on?" Shepard asked again.

Mordin gestured them closer and cast a wary look around before putting his hand by his mouth and saying in an undertone, "Suspect biological agent. Illness not natural. Aria uninterested. Could use your help tracking down perpetrator. Turian experience with C-Sec could prove especially useful."

Shepard watched in amazement as Garrus changed from partner to investigator. His shoulders squared. His face grew serious behind his visor. He called up his omni-tool and began to type. "What do you know?" he asked.

Mordin informed him that he had seen the first case three months before and it had been simple to treat. Another had followed a few weeks after and he'd found the disease resistant to the treatment he'd given previously. The next time, it was an entire family rather than an individual. From that point, the patients had begun to come in larger groups and it was more difficult to find a working treatment each time. People had begun dying from it until all he could do was provide palliative treatment. "Progression of virus unnatural. Changes too quick to be adaptation. Affects all species, which is rare. Very few diseases able to adapt to more than one given biological differences. Affects dextro as well as levo life forms. Has to be engineered. Suspect serial killer."

"A serial killer?" Shepard asked. "I know humans have them. Do other species?"

"Of course," Mordin said. "Every species has drive to kill if necessary. Drive can be corrupted in disturbed individuals."

"They rarely cross species lines, though," Garrus said. "I've only ever heard of two cases where one has targeted individuals from a different species."

Shepard nodded and said, "Even human serial killers rarely cross racial lines."

Mordin said, "Victims primarily salarian, turian, asari. Two volus. No quarians. Few on station. No one cares. No impact. Remarkable point: only one batarian, vorcha, elcor. No krogan. Looking at someone with background in science or medicine. Biologist, doctor, researcher, likely virologist. Will narrow field."

"The victims were both male and female?" Garrus asked.

"Yes," Mordin answered.

"Were they all from the Gozu District?" he asked.

"No," Mordin said, shaking his head. "Majority from Doru District. Smart to avoid Gozu. Avoiding Aria. Two from Kima District, one from Kenzo."

"Did the victims have anything in common aside from their district?" Shepard asked.

"No," Mordin said. "Nothing I could find. Will send list of fatalities, survivors, medical reports."

Garrus continued to question Mordin while Shepard went to look at one of the patients. It was a human woman with dark hair and large, dark eyes. Her full lips were tinged with blue and the rasping sound coming from her chest was unmistakable. Her dusky skin was ashen and sunken as if she had already died and her organs simply had not registered that they should have ceased functioning. Her belly was almost comically swollen against the emaciation of the rest of her body, though judging by the size of it if she'd been in proper shape, she wasn't far enough along for the baby to survive outside of the womb even if it wasn't infected. The woman's eyes found Shepard's through the visor she wore and she raised her hand seekingly. Shepard reached out and the woman clasped it with more strength than Shepard would have expected. The woman gasped out, "Tell Jason...and Nalah...Butler...I'm sorry." 

"They live in the Doru District?" Shepard asked and the woman nodded. "We'll find them. I'll tell them."

"Thank...you," the woman said and her hand flexed on Shepard's as she erupted into a fit of coughing. Droplets of blood flew from her lips like mist and came to rest on her face. Shepard found a cloth and wiped them away. When she looked up, she found Garrus watching her. She knew that he read the dismay in her eyes.

When they left, she said, "I've seen a lot in my lifetime, but that _senseless, helpless_ suffering is...what kind of person does something like that, Garrus?"

He sighed and said bitterly, "You already know the answer to that. It's no different than merc groups targeting people who can't afford to pay for 'protection' or slavers who raid colonies or drug dealers or any of the rest of the scum of the galaxy. The worst of them, the most cruel and brutal, are the same people who shop beside you on the Citadel or eat next to you at a restaurant. You should know by now that you can't see evil on a person's face, Shepard. That's the worst part about it. It looks so damn _normal_. And the minute you get rid of one, two more spring up in his place."

Shepard shook her head with a sigh. "We have to get to the bottom of this, Garrus."

"We will," he said confidently. "These types of killers make mistakes. This one already has. He or she left people alive. It's no different from the way we tracked Saren. We talk to the victims who survived, learn about them, and find a common thread. Then we tug on that thread until the whole bundle unravels and leads us to the perp."

"I think I can help with that," a human voice said from the shadows of an alley. 

Garrus and Shepard reacted instantly, drawing their pistols and aiming them in the direction of the voice. "Show yourself," Shepard said.

A dark-skinned man who looked vaguely familiar stepped out of the alley with his hands raised. "Easy," he said. "You're going after the person who did that?" He gestured with his head in the direction of the clinic.

"We are," said Garrus.

"I want to help. Name's Jason Butler."

"The woman," Shepard said. "There was a woman in the clinic. She asked me to find you and someone named Nalah. She said to tell you she was sorry."

"Nalah is my wife," he said with a nod. "The woman is my sister. She was...she is...she's carrying our child. As a surrogate. They won't let me in to see her. She's still alive?"

"She is," Shepard said. "I, uh, don't know how long she has. I'm sorry. She's very sick."

The man winced but nodded again and said, "I thought as much. Look, I want to find the person who did this. I used to work for C-Sec. You, turian, you're related to Castis Vakarian, aren't you?"

"My dad," Garrus said. 

"Good man," Butler said. "Bit of a hard ass, but a good man."

Shepard lowered her weapon and said, "All right. Welcome aboard, Officer Butler."

"Just Butler now," he said. "I got fed up with the red tape."

Shepard cut her eyes to Garrus and said, "Sounds like someone I know."

___

Garrus spent the next three days poring over the reports from Mordin, talking to Butler, and interviewing the surviving victims. Shepard accompanied him on most of his excursions and got to know the Doru District almost as well as she had come to know Kima and Gozu. Despite its reputation, Omega was not entirely populated by criminals. Many of the residents were unwelcome in Council space--like the Lystheni salarians--or couldn't afford to live outside of the Terminus Systems or simply wanted the adventure of living in a place that was essentially one of the last frontiers in the galaxy while not having to give up modern conveniences. It didn't matter who they were or why they were here. Garrus treated them all with dignity and respect as he guided them gently through the questions that he hoped would connect the dots and form a picture of the perpetrator. This wasn't the rogue she'd expected from his stories about his C-Sec days. This Garrus was thorough, professional, and compassionate and his brilliant mind sorted facts and details with the ease of extensive training and experience. Shepard was beginning to see where he'd earned his commendations. He could soothe a frightened or frustrated victim with aplomb. He even questioned the children and did so in such a way that they simply thought that they were making a new friend and did not realize that they were being interrogated in a serious matter. Shepard came to admire him even more. 

Butler came along on many of their trips as well and Shepard was amused by the way the two former officers went into cop-mode and effectively dismissed her as unnecessary. However, Garrus never failed to ask for her opinions or observations and she learned to take the broad view of the overall situation while he and Butler focused on the details. Garrus was better with data while Butler excelled at reading people of all species. He was older than the two of them and had served as a police officer longer, first with the Alliance and then with C-Sec for a short time during their hunt for Saren. He shared his experience without making either of them feel wet behind the ears. 

He introduced them to Nalah, a sweet, quiet woman who looked at him with open adoration and Shepard found herself instantly drawn to the woman. It had been so long since she'd had a friend who wasn't directly involved in her mission that she wasn't entirely certain how to handle the invitations to dinner or the small talk that Nalah enjoyed but at which Shepard was so stilted. She didn't mind feeling out of place, though, and thought that this was the first entirely normal friendship she'd formed since childhood. Nalah and Butler had been trying unsuccessfully to have a child for several years when his sister, Myna, came forward and offered to act as a surrogate for them. They'd eventually accepted and Myna had gone through the process to do so. Shepard didn't know what to say when Nalah showed her the images of the child they'd so carefully crafted and about whom they'd been so excited.

Nalah and Butler also introduced them to Erash, a Lystheni salarian explosives expert who'd owned a private security consulting firm until the Blood Pack had shut him down for refusing to pay protection money. Erash and Vortash immediately set to work combining Erash's bombs with Vortash's tech mines and, within a matter of days, all of the tunnels below the base were rigged to blow at the push of a button. It was a strange sort of friendship since Erash, like Mordin, never shut up and Vortash was nothing if not reticent. Erash talked and Vortash grunted and the two turned the base into a fortress. If hell broke loose, they could blow the tunnels, blocking off entrance from below, and turn the bridge into a kill zone that would funnel any would-be invaders right into the scope. When they showed her, Shepard momentarily forgot that Vortash was a batarian and exclaimed, "You two are geniuses!" Vortash grunted and turned away while Erash continued to expound on the technicalities of their work. She didn't understand most of it but responded favorably enough that he seemed satisfied by her praise. 

Shepard was cleaning her rifle when Garrus proclaimed, "That's it! I found the link!"

"What is it?" she asked, rising from her seat.

He called Butler in before he would answer and made him read over the data to ensure that the other officer saw the same pattern that he did. When Butler's face darkened and he nodded, Garrus said, "All of them have had fertility problems. All of them used the same specialist. It wasn't included in Mordin's data for some reason, but it's there in all of the interviews in one form or another."

"So who is the specialist?" she asked.

Butler said, "Zel'Aenik nar Helash. She's a quarian fertility specialist. She also studies virology. She'd mentioned it during one of the fertility sessions and assured us that all of her samples were kept at a separate lab."

"A quarian?" Shepard asked incredulously. Something Tali had mentioned once niggled at the back of her mind and she began to pace as she tried to draw the memory forward. "Nar Helish," she said. "'Nar' means 'child of' and identifies the birth ship. It's used before a quarian completes their Pilgrimage and chooses a new ship to join, at which point it becomes 'vas' whatever. So this Zel'Aenik either never completed the Pilgrimage or was exiled rather than being allowed to join a new ship. It's possible that the Fleet knew about this. I need to call Tali. She might know something." 

Butler nodded and said, "She said once that illness and issues with childbirth go hand-in-hand and that she had been trying to find a better way to protect her people from sickness during delivery. That was supposed to be her Pilgrimage gift but she was still doing research. Said that Omega was a good place for it because she had a lot of test subjects of different races to study. _Shit!_ Why didn't I think of that before?"

Shepard slipped out of the room and placed a call to Tali. It took some time for the ping to get through the comm buoys but they were eventually connected and Tali was able to confirm Shepard's suspicions. Tali's father was on the Admiralty Board and had been one of the admirals to exile Zel'Aenik for inhumane testing on live subjects. She had, he said, wiped out almost an entire lab ship through what they'd thought at the time was negligence in securing what he called a Level V biohazardous virus sample that was capable of getting through the seals of their suits. It wasn't until she'd been exiled that they had begun to suspect that the release of the virus had been intentional. Intent hadn't been central to the decision to exile her. Culpability was all that mattered and she had endangered the Flotilla through her actions. If they'd known, he said, they would have executed her rather than exiling her. Rael'Zorah advised caution when dealing with her. 

"All right, Garrus," Shepard said when she returned and briefed him on the call. "How do you want to handle this? It's your show."

"I thought that was my line," he said and then turned serious. "We'll need to alert Mordin for this one. He can identify any samples we find and ensure safe handling of them. I want you and Butler on my team. Sidonis can lead a backup with Mierin and Melenis. We'll have Ripper get us a layout of the facility and Vortash can disable any security we find." He paused and then looked up from his datapad. "Shepard, there's no law on Omega. There are no courts here. The quarians exiled her and have no authority to preside over a trial even if they were willing to let her back on their ships for it. Their answer would be execution anyway for the crime she committed. Quarians aren't a Council race, so the Citadel has no authority. We can't arrest her."

"I know," Shepard said. "We'll take her down."

"Good," he said with a feral grin. "I was hoping you'd say that."

___

Mordin couldn't leave his patients so, instead, he sent a pale turian with burgundy clan markings named Monteague with them. When Shepard expressed surprise at the name, he told her that his father had found a human book of Shakespearean plays on Shanxi and had liked the name, though he'd been informed later by humans that the spelling and pronunciation was wrong for the character. Shepard was simply glad that he hadn't been named Romeo. She didn't think she could keep a straight face if that had been the case. 

Monteague joined the first infiltration team. He, too, had been in C-Sec at one time and, for once, Shepard felt entirely useless. The feeling didn't last long once the shooting started. She might not know police procedure, but she did know how to operate in a gunfight. Garrus, familiar with both the way that the former police would fight and with her own style, was able to mesh them into a cohesive unit with little difficulty. He had an instinctive understanding of where each member of the team would go, who they would target, and how they would take them down. He and Shepard remained above in different locations to provide sniper support while Butler and Monteague went below with their assault rifles. When Monteague located the lab, he remained there as a guard and Garrus, Butler, and Shepard pushed forward to find the quarian. 

Zel'Aenik was hiding in one of the back rooms. She'd locked herself in and programmed mechs to guard the door. Garrus overloaded them while Shepard and Butler picked them off. Upon realizing that she was outmatched, she raised her hands in surrender and began trying to convince them that they had found the wrong person. Monteague came over the comms and told them that he thought he'd identified the virus she'd released and had found another variant of it that he believed was intended to produce more rapid results. Garrus responded, "We're on our way. I think it's time the good doctor tested her work."

When she heard that, Zel'Aenik tried to run. Garrus caught her by the arm and detained her with her hands behind her back. He led her into the lab and Butler removed her mask before Garrus shoved her roughly inside and sealed the room behind her. They watched through the glass window as she backed into a corner with her glowing eyes locked onto an open Petri dish. Shepard was struck by how _human_ the quarian looked. The terror on her face was unmistakable. After only a few minutes, she began to cough. She ran over to the table and slammed the lid on the dish with hands that were beginning to shake. It was too late. The virus had been released into the air and, without her mask, she had no protection. Either Shepard was able to witness the effects of the quarians' weakened immune systems or the virus was particularly rapid in its effects. Within moments, Zel was on her knees, coughing blood, and clawing at her throat. The quartet watched until they were certain that she was dead before turning to leave.

"Need an extra person?" Monteague asked as they walked out. "Dr. Solus seems to think you could use a medic on your team for times when he isn't available."

Garrus and Shepard exchanged a look and, when she nodded slightly, Garrus said, "Sure."

Monteague spread his mandibles in a grin and asked, "So, what do you guys call yourselves?" At their blank looks, he huffed and said, "Come on. Any respectable group of vigilantes has to have a name. Otherwise, how do the common people know what to call you?"

Garrus' eyes remained locked with Shepard's as he said, "Call us Archangel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Weeknd, "Angel"  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xj2c85XdWo


	10. Still Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come fire  
> Let it burn and love come racing through  
> Oh I'm still alive  
> I cannot apologize  
> I've learned to lose  
> I've learned to win  
> I've turned my face against the wind  
> I will move fast  
> I will move slow  
> Take me where I have to go  
> Oh I'm still alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Shepard looked up from the datapad she was reading as Garrus came into the control room to beckon her out. "Come on, Shepard," he said. "You work too hard. We're celebrating. Come take a break. We're playing Skyllian Five and I'm dealing you in."

She glanced back at the datapad, feeling torn. Downtime wasn't something with which she was familiar. However, she knew that he was right. She, better than most, knew the dangers of pushing her crew too hard and too far without stopping when the opportunity presented itself. The report from Liara could wait for a night. They needed to investigate but could afford to take a breather before heading into a new assignment. Their last one had been an unequivocal success and the team was in a jubilant mood. 

In the past few months, they'd made a significant dent in the criminal population of Omega. They'd taken out one of the smaller arms of the Blue Suns that was terrorizing the residents of Kima District. That one had been both fun and an opportunity to see the tactician Garrus was becoming. Vortash had hacked their systems and found a schedule of their shipments and a list of all of their operations. The team had spent three weeks disrupting said shipments, getting in the way of their harassment of the local businesses, and making them angry enough that they charged right into his trap. Garrus was brilliant at setting up kill zones. He could take a single sweeping glance of an area and know precisely where to place his men and how to maneuver the targets to the exact point where he wanted them. That time, it was an alley with convenient catwalks above. He'd divided the team on either side with sniper rifles in hand. When the gang had come rushing in, Weaver and Ripper had sprung the trap around them, trapping them in the alley with nowhere to run while the team had caught them in the crossfire. "Neat and surgical," he'd described it both before and after and he was right. Then there was the volus saboteur which Garrus had chosen to deal with by sabotaging the volus' envirosuit. No one had ever said that Garrus didn't have a sense of irony. He had a knack for finding the most appropriate punishment to fit the crime as with the quarian serial killer. Most recently, it had been a human weapons smuggler Anderson had directed them to. Garrus had shot him in the head with one of his own smuggled weapons.

Now, they were being sent reports of people being smuggled through Omega into Illium purportedly for use as indentured servants but Liara suspected slavery as they came to the planet with contracts already drawn up and were rarely seen again. Shepard hated slavers and a part of her balked at the idea of walking away even for an evening. The hours that she spent doing things other than working on the case were more hours in which the victims were enslaved and more hours that the slaver was able to move his largely-human "merchandise" around. Another part of her said that she needed a break before jumping into this one because it was likely to hit her in a more personal way than the rest. Already, she was having trouble making eye contact with Vortash and they'd made more progress than she'd expected given that she was a survivor of the batarian raid on Mindoir and he was a less-than-friendly batarian. He'd been incredibly useful to the squad, though, and he was very protective of Weaver, who seemed to trust him. Shepard had seen no signs that the human girl was around him by anything but choice. She'd told Shepard that he'd saved her from slavers. Shepard wasn't sure if she believed it but it had been enough to get her to allow him a grudging respect and enough trust to turn her back on him on occasion.

Liara had located data that she thought would lead her to the Shadow Broker. Feron, she said, had been invaluable. Unfortunately, he had been captured as they'd been attempting to escape one of the Shadow Broker's bases. Before that, though, he'd made sure that she had the data she needed. Liara had gone to Illium where she said she could build contacts that would aid her in utilizing the data to track down the Broker. She'd regretted being unable to join them on Omega but said that it was doubly personal now as Feron had become a friend and the Broker had captured one of her friends and attempted to kidnap and sell the other. Shepard could all but hear the worry in her friend's voice when she wrote about the drell. Liara appeared to be doing well thus far and had even been able to get them intel on certain things that had helped in some of their previous missions. Shepard felt like she was watching the asari grow up from a distance and was disheartened that the thing that would take away her innocence had come so soon.

Garrus cleared his throat and cocked his head at her. With a sigh, she tossed aside the datapad and followed him out into the common area. The team had drawn every available seat around the large table they used for meals and as a catch-all for the random detritus that littered their lives. They were laughing and joking together and even Vortash seemed a little less taciturn than normal. Ripper was drunk, which was no surprise, and Melenis and Mierin were flirting with Sidonis and Monteague. Joker said something snarky and Melenis glared at him before laughing. Butler was shuffling a deck of old-fashioned cards and Erash was talking animatedly to Weaver, who was ignoring him. Garrus' eyes narrowed on the glass by Weaver's hand and the teen rolled her eyes at him. "What?" she demanded petulantly. "I'm old enough to fight but not old enough to drink?"

Garrus shook his head. "Fine. But no more than two." 

"Sure thing, _Dad_ ," Weaver huffed as she twined the tentacles of the Blasto figurine she carried everywhere and treated like a worry stone around her fingers.

Garrus pulled Shepard down beside him on one of the couches and slung an arm casually around her shoulders. "All right, Vakarian," she said when Butler began to deal. "You're going down. Didn't experience teach you not to bet against Commander Shepard?"

Sidonis stepped away from the table and returned a moment later with a dextro beer for Garrus and a glass of levo whiskey for Shepard. "Trying to get me liquored up, Lantar?" she asked. "It won't help you. I can outdrink a krogan."

"We'll see about that," laughed Grundan Krul, their newest teammate. They'd picked him up during a raid on the Blood Pack. When asked why he wanted to join, he'd said, _Archangel gets better fights. Pays better, too, from what I hear._

"You're on," she told him. Garrus sighed and passed her a packet of nutrigel, reminding her that she hadn't eaten all day. She ripped it open with her teeth and downed it before scooting away from him and accepting her hand from Butler. "What are we playing for tonight?" she asked. They'd had to get creative in the beginning when every credit had gone toward better supplies, upkeep of the base, and general living expenses. They'd bet everything from weapon mods to heat sinks to stories about themselves. She and Garrus had begun to suspect that Erash, like Mordin, had been STG at one point. Mierin and Melenis had admitted that they'd felt the need to atone for their time in Eclipse. Ripper had begun drinking when her husband and young son were killed by the Blue Suns. Weaver's family had also been killed, though hers were by slavers during a raid similar to the one on Mindoir. Shepard saw a bit of herself in the girl and wondered if that was what she would have been like had she been a little bit younger and not joined the Alliance. 

"Credits," Sidonis answered. 

"It's about time," Melenis said.

"Like you are going to win anyway," Mierin goaded. "All that is going to happen is that you are going to be poorer by the end of the night."

"And whose fault is that?" Melenis asked.

Mierin shrugged. "It is not my fault that I can read you like a datapad."

"You're all going to come away poorer," Garrus boasted. "Hell, you might as well just hand your credits to me right now."

Shepard laughed. "Not likely, big guy. I know you like the back of my hand."

"You haven't seen all my tricks yet," he assured her. 

"You've obviously never played poker with a krogan," Grundan said.

"We have, actually," Shepard answered. "Urdnot Wrex. He lost every time."

Grundan laughed and said, "That whelp? I knew his father. Was there at the crush where Wrex killed him. Now, that was a battle."

"Whose side were you on?" Garrus asked.

Grundan leveled a long look at him and said grumpily, "Why do you think I'm on Omega rather than Tuchanka?"

"Bet against Wrex in poker, but never bet against him in a fight," Shepard said. 

She won the first two hands and then Garrus began to get devious. She didn't notice at first and thought that the occasional press of his leg against hers or brush of his hand over the back of her neck was accidental. It wasn't until he leaned over and made a comment in a purring tone of voice and she saw Sidonis and Monteague smirk that she recognized what he was doing. The hell of it was, even knowing what his game was, it was working. His voice was enough to send butterflies spiraling through her middle and the combination of that and the maddeningly teasing touches had her flustered enough to blow her bluff. He gave her a satisfied grin as he raked in the credit chits and she narrowed her eyes at him. Two could play at this game. Sidonis caught her eye on the next hand and pointedly scratched at the back of his neck before glancing at Garrus. She waited until it was his turn and then leaned back casually and placed her arm across the back of the couch. Her fingers danced lightly alongside the ridge of bony plating over his spine and she felt more than saw him shudder slightly. On his next turn, she tucked her legs up under her and drew her toes along the side of his waist. His hissing breath was quickly covered by a cough but not before she heard it.

The others seemed oblivious to their little competition and continued with their good-natured ribbing and recounting of the missions they'd run. Even Weaver ended up getting caught up in the jovial mood, though Shepard suspected that might have a little to do with the drink the girl was consuming. It was Ripper who finally asked the question that had to have been on all of their minds. "So, girl, why the hell do you stay with this one?"

Weaver looked from Ripper to Vortash and shrugged. "Why not?" she said. "It's not like I have any other family left."

"You have us," Melenis said gently. "We've all lost somebody but we haven't let it stop us, have we? No. We've gotten back up and come together to make something bigger than ourselves. We're a team but we could be more than that. We could be family."

"Yeah," Butler said, "but is Vortash or Grundan the creepy uncle?" Shepard, Ripper, and Weaver laughed at that. The rest of them looked as if the joke was lost on them. "What?" he asked. "Are humans the only ones with that one relative no one talks about?"

"Well," Monteague said thoughtfully, "my mother's father was from a mercenary colony. We don't talk about that much."

"Salarians don't live in family groups," Erash said. "Most know our lineage only through official documents."

Melenis and Mierin shared a look and simultaneously said, "Zerina." Mierin explained, "Our father's sister was an Ardat-Yakshi."

"All of my relatives are what you pyjaks would consider creepy," Grundan said. 

"There you go," Butler said. "So, is it Vortash or Grundan?"

"Grundan," they said in unison. 

Ripper said, "Vortash is that grandpa who yells at kids to get away from his front door."

"Get off my lawn!" Shepard and Butler said together. 

Butler looked at her, "Colony kid, huh?"

"Yeah," she answered.

"Horizon. You?" he asked and she heard Joker clear his throat as he rapidly shook his head.

"Mindoir," she answered tersely. 

Vortash's head shot up and he trained all four eyes on her. She focused on the largest ones and felt Garrus tense beside her. Vortash said, "Nasty business, Mindoir."

"Yeah," she said, "it was."

"Got asked to participate. Turned it down. No use for slavers," he said. "Never was a very good batarian."

Shepard thought that was the most she'd ever heard him speak. She was also fairly certain she heard something close to apology in his voice. Before she could formulate a reply, he cocked his head to the side she thought indicated respect and went back to his cards. Garrus relaxed but shot her a look. Butler cleared his throat and said, "I don't think any of us are particularly good representatives of our species. Except maybe Shepard here. Damn war hero. I was on the Citadel when Saren attacked. I left when the cover-up started. Nalah and I wouldn't be around today if it weren't for you and Garrus."

"What was it like?" Weaver asked Shepard. "Was that big ship really made by the geth? How'd you catch Saren? Was it terrifying?"

"It was mostly me," Joker said and Shepard wadded up a napkin and threw it at his head. "What?" he demanded. "You wouldn't even have _gotten_ to Ilos without me!"

Garrus said lightly, "I'd thought nothing could be more terrifying than Shepard driving the Mako. Then she drove it through a mass relay."

"You can do that?" Weaver asked.

"I wouldn't advise it," Garrus answered. "She did it, though. Landed us upside down right in the middle of the Presidium."

"I saw that on the security vids," Monteague said. "Couldn't believe anyone walked away from that one."

"So why isn't _Shepard_ leading us?" Weaver asked skeptically. "She's not nuts anymore."

"Why the hell would she want to lead us?" Sidonis asked with a laugh. "This kind of thing is below her pay grade."

"It's training," Shepard said. "Garrus can't very well function as a Spectre if he's never been allowed to lead, can he? He won't grow if he's constantly standing in my shadow."

___

Shepard was moving into position even before Garrus waved her there. Over the past few months, she'd begun to learn his leadership style as he'd once learned hers. He operated differently than she did, taking advantages of his own strengths rather than hers. Shepard's method was to move in first, evaluate the situation, clear the immediate area, and put her team into position before seeking a secondary position with elevation when possible. Garrus, however, was able to utilize his superior senses to get a read on what was ahead many times even before they'd gotten within visual range. He covered his team from behind while they took position and then moved in close. It didn't sound like a large distinction, but it was such that their individual styles were able to mesh perfectly together. He knew that he could send her in first and that she preferred it while he covered her six, just like old times. The difference here was that she was taking orders rather than giving them. It had taken some getting used to, but he was beginning to enjoy leading his team.

Occasionally, she would do something unexpected in order to force him to react and adapt quickly, but they both knew this mission was too serious with far too many lives riding on their timing being absolutely impeccable. To that end, he'd chosen Sidonis to accompany them as he was able to grasp the more familiar Hierarchy hand signals--which Shepard had learned and incorporated into her own retinue during the mission for Saren to accommodate for his inability to form some of the Alliance ones due to a lesser number of fingers--and could also understand Garrus' subvocals while having developed a rapport with Shepard that only Butler had been able to approximate. Vortash had volunteered and provided intel on the way batarian operations ran, but Garrus had elected to hold him back given Shepard's history with his kind and the scope of the current mission.

"Target in sight," she said quietly into the comms. "Five hostiles, fourteen noncombatants. Two are minors. Let's not allow this to turn into a hostage situation."

"Copy," he answered. "Can you identify the leader?"

"Affirmative," she answered. "Sitting on the crate, ten o'clock."

The batarian slavers had taken their prisoners into one of the abandoned mining facilities on Omega's lower levels. They were being held in a large bay with docking access to the outside, presumably for easy loading for transport. Garrus tried not to look too hard at the mostly-human victims and their blank stares. He could far too easily imagine any of them being Shepard. It was easier and more sensible to focus on the enemy. When he gave the order, Shepard directed a warp at the crate the leader was sitting on and knew she was at least as gratified as he to hear a loud explosion before sighting down on another through her scope. She aimed for the point directly between his eyes and was moving to the next target before his head had finished disintegrating. Sidonis took out the third batarian as Garrus claimed a headshot on the fourth and fifth. It was over and they were moving to intercept the leader within seconds. He lay on the ground, screaming and writhing in pain. He saw a feral grin split Shepard's face as she realized that he was still alive. She cracked her knuckles and looked at him. He knew what she wanted and, perhaps, needed to do. Sidonis moved to the victims who were beginning to register the attack and react to it.

Shepard kicked the screaming batarian in the chest. "Shut up." When he continued screaming, she shot him in the knee. "I said, shut up," she repeated coldly.

"What do you want?" he shouted.

"Information," she answered. "Where were these people being sent?"

"I'm not telling you anything," he growled, attempting to find a way to cradle his wounded knee. 

"Wrong answer," she said and Garrus brought the butt of his rifle down onto the batarian's face. He heard bone crack and when the slaver spoke again, it was with a definite lisp. 

"Illium!" he screamed. "They were going to Illium!"

"Where did you get them?" she asked.

"I don't know!" he answered.

She looked up at Garrus and said, "I guess we're doing this the hard way," and placed a round in the batarian's other knee. Garrus was taken aback by the fury in her eyes. This was a side of her that he hadn't seen before. She looked like an avenging angel and, for a moment, he thought that she was more deserving of the crest she'd painted on the cobalt armor she'd presented him with a few weeks before than he.

"Cyrene!" the slaver shouted.

"That colony that just went dark?" she asked. "So slavers and pirates _are_ behind the disappearances?" Over the last year, seven human colonies had been attacked and most, if not all, of their residents vanished. Shepard hadn't seemed to pay it much heed while Garrus had noted every instance, remembering what the human woman from Cerberus had told them. Apparently, she'd been paying more attention to it than he'd realized.

"No," the batarian growled. 

"Don't lie to me!" she shouted and shot him in the arm. 

"I swear to you, human, we didn't do it! We got there after. These and a few who died were all that were left," he insisted.

She raised the pistol again and Garrus put a hand on her arm. "We still need information," he reminded her. "Why don't you go check on the victims and I'll question him?" As much as he appreciated her need for retribution and thought that he would likely share it if the situation was reversed, he knew that she was walking a fine line and that he couldn't allow her to cross it in her anger.

Shepard took a deep breath and did as he asked. He continued questioning the batarian, who identified himself as Kron Harga, while she knelt in front of a small child sitting on the edge of the group. When he was finished with his interrogation, Shepard resumed her questioning about the colony attacks. He could give her no more information, so she asked, "How many died?"

"Nine," Harga answered. 

Without another word, she emptied nine rounds into his undamaged extremities and all of his primary organs. When he was dead, Garrus called in the rescue crew consisting of Monteague, Mordin Solus, and Weaver. Monteague and Mordin would provide medical care while attempting to locate any remaining family members of the victims and they hoped that Weaver would be able to talk to them. Mordin gave her an approving nod, which surprised him, but Monteague's eyes were wide and his subvocals a bit surprised. Weaver, however, showed the strongest reaction, coming over to give her a fierce hug and whisper, "Thank you." Sidonis had established a rapport with a few of them and stayed behind to help while Garrus led Shepard out of the facility. 

___

Shepard felt drained. She'd thought that it would feel good to give such a violent end to someone who had ruined so many lives but, instead, it just felt...empty. In her mind, she was picturing her brother and mother in their last moments. She could smell the smoke as her village burned. She could hear the screams of her neighbors. Mindoir had never left her. She had simply managed to put it in a box and keep it locked away until it burst through, demanding to be acknowledged once again.

The others gave her a wide berth when they returned to the base. She didn't know if they could see it on her face or if word had gotten back already. She didn't care. She walked dully into the bedroom with Garrus trailing behind. "You okay, Shepard?" he asked. "Things got pretty intense back there."

"I'm fine," she answered without looking at him as she stripped out of her armor. 

He turned her to face him and said, "I don't think you are. You can talk to me, you know."

"I don't want to talk," she told him, bringing her arms up to wrap around his neck. His eyes widened but his own arms slipped around her waist, drawing her closer. "Make me forget," she whispered.

"No," he said. "But I will make you remember what's important."

"What is that?" she asked.

"We're still alive," he answered.

Shepard looked up at him through the fan of her lashes. The earnest reply rang in her ears and made her heart squeeze almost painfully. This, she realized suddenly, was what she'd been missing while burying herself in work. Somehow, she'd managed to forget the promise that had been there since he'd thrown himself out of that escape shuttle. The easy intimacy they'd found while alone had been overshadowed when surrounded by a group and, while she hadn't forgotten him, she'd allowed distance to come between them. One of her greatest faults and the thing that had killed every romantic relationship she'd attempted in the past had been that the drive that kept her going through mission after mission was not something she could turn on and off selectively without conscious thought and it took far too much to alert her to the need to do so. She was reminded now, with his arms around her and his armored chest pressed against hers, just how much he meant to her.

She wasn’t quite certain when friendship with him had morphed into something more. It hadn’t been a single stunning revelation that had left her heart pounding and her knees weak. Instead, it was a series of quiet moments that were almost underwhelming in their simplicity. Loving him was inevitable as he flowed seamlessly from teammate to companion to best friend to something more. Somewhere along the line, in the midst of gunfire and blood and sentient machines threatening the galaxy, he’d become vital to her. She couldn't afford to let that slip past her again.

She wasn’t worried over the decision to move things to a physical level with him. The warnings Mordin had given her once had been well-meaning but hollow. She’d had his blood on her often enough to know that there was no risk of reaction and no one was allowed to work for C-Sec if they were more than mildly allergic to those with different chirality due to the health risk it could pose in the line of duty. Dr. Chakwas had never needed to take precautions with him when treating him, so he was free of allergies as well. Mordin’s advice on interspecies relations was unnecessary as well. She knew that humans and turians could work and that was all that she needed to know. They would figure this out together in the same way they did everything else. Garrus was a part of her and that was all she felt the need to know now.

She pressed her lips to his mouth plates and he froze. She waited until he relaxed and resumed the soft touch that made her feel as if she was being cherished. He seemed a bit unsure when her tongue slipped into his mouth and stroked his longer, thinner, rougher one but she felt a rumble in his chest as his grip tightened ever so slightly above her waist. She drew back and searched his eyes, needing to know that he truly did want to be here. “Are you sure, Garrus?”

He tilted his head at her in that way that reminded her that he was closer to a raptor than a human and said, “I just…don’t have the first clue as to what I’m doing.”

“How would this go if I was turian?” she asked.

He rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Spirits, don’t tell me you didn’t do any research.”

“Nope,” she admitted freely. “I wanted to figure it out with you.”

“Oh,” he said. “Well. Hmm. I, uh, don’t think that turian practices will work with you. You’re so soft…I don’t want to hurt you.”

She laughed softly and said, “You’re worried about hurting me? Garrus, honey, a Reaper landed on me and I walked away. I survived Alchera. You aren’t going to be the end of me.”

“I know,” he said. “I just…I want you to enjoy this and you won’t if you’re in pain because of my talons or my plates or bleeding because I bit too hard.”

“Rough sex is not a bad thing, Garrus,” she said with a grin. “I like teeth and I’m sure I’ll like your talons and I don’t mind that your skin is a little rougher than mine. So, why don’t we start with the basics and go from there? How the hell do you get this armor off? I want to see you.”

“Here,” he said and opened a hidden seal. She stepped back and watched as he revealed his torso. Silvered plates shimmered in the light and turned him into a breathing work of art. The plates on his convex chest were fitted together in a way that made him look as if he were still wearing armor and the hide below them was a stormy gray that reminded her of suede. She knew enough alien A&P to expect internal genitalia but assumed—and hoped—that it would be made accessible when the time came. She really should have watched some vids but there was something to be said for this as well. The thrill of discovering a new partner was only compounded by the unknown and finding mystery in one she knew so well was alluring. “You’re gorgeous. Can you feel this?”

“A little,” he said. “I have more sensation…here.” He cautiously took her hands and guided them between his plates to the softer hide there and she both felt and heard his quick intake of breath. “Anywhere that has exposed flesh is fairly sensitive.”

She took his hands in hers and stripped the gloves from them. She wanted to feel all of him without barriers. He held himself still as she held his hand in her own and compared the differences between them. Here, sinew and muscle flexed beneath thinner plates than those on his chest. She wasn’t entirely surprised as she knew the reason for the thicker skin was to protect from radiation and that it was thicker over the vital organs. She’d never seen a turian’s bare hand before and was struck by the dexterity that he showed with three fingers in place of five. His talons were incredibly sharp and made her wonder how foreplay would work until he flexed his fingers and they retracted into the thick skin. “They sheathe,” she said. “Like a cat. Cool.”

Shepard allowed him to take control of her hands and watched him as he studied hers in return. “So many fingers,” he said. “How do you not end up fumbling with so many?”

“I guess it’s all in what you’re used to,” she said, admiring the strength in his hands. She supposed it wasn’t surprising considering how good he was with a rifle. With one finger on the trigger, he stabilized his weapon with only a thumb and finger. That would require an extra amount of strength. 

She trailed her free hand up the side of his waist and he gasped and closed his eyes. That was a good sign, she thought, remembering what he'd said when she'd accidentally touched him there, and stroked more boldly. His hand clenched against hers and he leaned in almost imperceptibly. Her name fell brokenly from his mouth and she caught it against her lips. When her shirt fluttered to the floor, she felt her first tremor of uncertainty. She found herself looking everywhere but his face. Suddenly, his words about not having a human fetish seemed pressing. She wondered what she would do if he was unable to be aroused or—worse—revolted by her. She thought that her heart would likely shatter and fought the urge to cover herself. The man in front of her, the only one who’d ever stood by her through everything without hesitation or refusal, was also the one man who could make her contemplate running. She wouldn’t do that even though here, in this moment, she was not the commander or the legend or the savior of the Citadel. Here, she was just Shepard, a woman bare of the shields and barriers of both armor and rank. He could destroy her with a word.

___

It was his turn for reassurance yet again. Garrus had studied her and learned every nuance of her expression. This one was new to him but he could read the tension in her taut, muscular frame, and see the doubt written clearly in her eyes. The fear of rejection here ran both ways and it was, in an odd way, comforting to him. It was a clear sign that she cared as deeply about his reaction to her as he did hers. This mattered to her. It wasn’t merely two compatriots and friends turning to each other for comfort or stress relief, though that was certainly present. She had chosen him above all of the other males who she could easily turn to. He knew that she had options that were closer to home, that would be simpler in practice if all she wanted was physical release. She had an abundance of riches and out of all of it, she’d chosen him. 

He was the only one who’d failed at everything he’d attempted on his own, the only one who couldn’t succeed without her, the only one who…actually needed her. He was the only one for whom she was truly necessary. He was the only one who leaned fully on her and, therefore, the only one on whom she could allow herself to lean in return. They had been through so much and seen so much already and he was the only one who knew it all. He’d been there when she’d received her assignment to track down Saren, had been present as she’d spoken to an ageless sentient machine, had aided her in her fight against them. It had been his advice she’d sought with the rachni queen and with the Council and it had been she who’d put his name forth for Spectre candidacy and had requested to train him as the replacement for both Nihlus and Saren so that he could be her partner. He had been the one to whom she’d turned when she’d needed a sounding board in planning their mission. She didn’t always follow his recommendations but she always took them under advisement and gave them consideration. When she chose otherwise, she explained her reasoning to him in order to provide him with other angles to view. He thought, for the first time, that perhaps he was as necessary to her as she was to him. 

His eyes travelled over her body and his visor reported her elevated heart rate and respirations even as his sniper’s eyes registered the flush in her cheeks, the twitch of her forearms as she forced herself to remain open to his perusal. The lover’s gaze noted the hard lines and soft curves and flat planes of her alien body. She was different. She was strange. She was beautiful. He stepped forward and placed his three-fingered hand on her soft face and traced the solid line of her jaw with his thumb. Still, she would not meet his eyes so he tilted her face up to his. “Shepard,” he said softly, “you are exquisite.”

“Liar,” she charged with a lightness that didn’t reach her eyes.

“Don’t you already know,” he asked, dipping his head to nuzzle the soft flesh of her neck, “that turians don’t lie?”

Her head moved on its own, shifting to allow him access, and she gasped as he tested the play of her skin with plated lips and tongue that he knew were both rougher and hotter than that to which she was accustomed. Her many fingers flexed against his waist and he allowed her to hear his groan as sensation shot through him like leashed lightning. She was softer even than he’d imagined but harder as well. Her skin was like satin in its smoothness and yielded easily to his own while muscle and hidden bone played beneath, the instruments in the symphony that was this woman. She made a sound of surprise as he lifted her and carried her to the bed and held trustingly to him as he lowered them onto the expanse of fabric and cushion. 

Her flat teeth flashed and caught her full lower lip between them in a gesture that he recognized as uncertainty as he looked down on her. While her mind may have been plagued by doubt, her body responded instantly when his fingers trailed over her flesh. He was distracted from his exploration of her by the realization that this was Shepard, the woman he’d foolishly realized he’d loved from afar only when he’d been about to lose her, responding to _his_ touch, opening herself to _his_ view in a way that she had done for no other that he knew. He was under no illusions that he was her first and only but he was her first turian as she was his first human and, as far as he knew, of those with whom they were both acquainted, he was the only one to have seen her like this. The faith she had in him was humbling. The desire she displayed was heady. 

He circled the strange indentation in her flat belly and she quivered. He was caught off guard by a sound that was suspiciously close to a giggle and the foot that lashed out in his direction. She glared up at the sight of his grin. Commander Shepard was ticklish. He debated utilizing this new knowledge for only a moment but her stare promised retribution if he did so and, as much as instinct was telling him there was a need to establish the balance of dominance between them in this setting, he didn’t want to waste time fighting and especially did not wish to do so with her truly angry, so he refrained and simply stored the knowledge away. 

When he reached the band of her pants, she gasped and the intake of breath made the tops of her hips more prominent. He reacted instantly, uncaring that it was not the same as a turian’s, and reached swiftly down to untie her boots. He resisted the urge to simply slice through the laces. Instead, he tugged carefully at them until they loosened and she assisted him in toeing off the boots and socks beneath. He was momentarily distracted by the dexterity of her strange feet and made a deliberate effort not to compare her to a pyjak. Her feet were alien enough to serve as a reminder of their differences and he turned his attention away from them before he could lose his nerve.

She lifted her hips to lower her pants and her strange feet were forgotten as she revealed the curve of her hipbones and the dip of her waist. It wasn’t as trim as a turian’s and the ratio was off but there was beauty here as well in the delicacy of her curves. It wasn’t a word that he generally associated with Shepard but with each new inch of skin she revealed, he was coming to realize once again that the armor she wore concealed a body that was far too small and far too delicate to possibly carry the burden with which she’d been tasked. It astounded him that she’d accomplished what she had and that one so small could be so unquestionably strong at the same time. It sparked a protective instinct in him reminiscent of that on Alchera and he renewed his silent vow to do all that he could to safeguard her. 

She lifted her head and looked expectantly at him, reminding him that he was still partially clothed. He took a deep, bracing breath to prepare himself and obeyed the silent command. Her eyes roved over him and his chest tightened when he read uncertainty and disappointment in them. She sighed heavily and returned her head to the pillow before throwing an arm across her face to hide it from him. He reached out and gave it a gentle tug. “Shepard?” he asked, his subvocals humming with trepidation. “What’s wrong?” 

She refused to allow him to move her arm and said in a tone that he’d never heard before, “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I knew you didn’t want this. I’m sorry. I just…underestimated your sense of duty or obligation or whatever.”

“What are you talking about?” he asked in confusion. “Why do you think I don’t want this, that I don’t want you?”

She gave a self-deprecating laugh and gestured in the direction of his groin before saying, “Either I have completely misunderstood how this works or the sight of me is so unappealing that you’re locked down tighter than Fort Knox. It’s fine, Garrus. Like I said, I shouldn’t have pushed. You told me you don’t like humans. I just…thought it wouldn’t matter because…well, because it’s us.” Her voice broke on the last as his eyes widened in recognition. This time, when he tugged at her arm, she didn’t resist. 

“Shepard,” he chided softly, “do you really think I would be here if I didn’t want to be? I want you.”

“Then why…?” she asked, trailing off with another glance in his direction.

 _Ah,_ he thought, _that's the problem._ “I told you that you should have done your research,” he said lightly. “The plates are held closed by muscle. Muscles tense when you’re nervous and you definitely make me nervous. I’m terrified that I’m going to screw this up. Trust me, it’s, ah, primed.”

Her face cleared and she flipped him onto his back before he could do more than lift his head to protect his fringe. She grinned down at him and said, “I think I can solve that problem.” Before he could ask what she meant, her cool mouth was on his plates and her soft tongue was trailing down the rivers of hide between his plates. He gasped when her blunt teeth nipped at his waist and his hand gripped in her hair when she breathed over the plates guarding his straining erection. He didn’t know if he wanted to pull her away or push her in. He’d heard of the things that humans and asari could do with their mouths but had never experienced it for himself. The first slide of her tongue over the tightly closed gap made him groan and the second had his hips rolling in an effort to loosen his plates. Her finger trailed down after her mouth and he unfurled without further hesitation, allowing him to breathe easier with the reduced pressure. 

Garrus looked up to gauge her reaction. She was staring down at his cock with open curiosity. He knew he was different from a human but joining in a method that would please both of them was certainly possible…as long as she wasn’t turned off by his glistening, throbbing length. She leaned forward and he saw a flash of pink before feeling her fingers and tongue dance lightly across him. She made a humming sound and licked along his shaft again. When she took him into her mouth, it took all of his willpower to keep from finishing then and there. She stalked up his body when he nudged her up by the hair and he flipped them so that she was beneath him once more.

“My turn,” he said, silently thanking both Mordin and Joker for vids that had been simultaneously mortifying and welcome. Foreplay was all but unheard of among his own kind but he had a rough idea of what humans did to pleasure each other. Her exultant cry when his tongue met her body was intoxicating and he was determined to hear it again. Pleasing her was simple as long as he paid attention to her cues. Everything from the movement of her hips to the range of her cries led him through this uncharted territory. When she seemingly reached the edge, he pulled back. He’d read that human women were capable of multiple orgasms but he didn’t want to risk her being unable to find release later. 

She called his name when he stroked her boldly with a finger and arched against him. It was all the evidence he needed and he grew more confident in his touch. She was far different from a turian with her soft folds and inviting entrance and self-lubrication but, rather than foreign, she seemed inviting here instead of barricaded like one of his own kind. There was no coaxing needed, no layers of defenses to work through, no challenge to prove his worth. Her body appeared to beckon to him and he breathed in the scent of her arousal. It was slightly off as the pheromones were geared toward human males rather than turian ones but the knowledge that they were present for him despite the difference in their species more than made up for the lack of instinctive hormonal response. Taking his cue from her, he dipped his head and took a tentative pass over her with his tongue.

“Oh, gods, Garrus!” she cried as her hips bucked and her response was sufficient to remove any lingering doubt. If nothing else, he knew now that they could pleasure each other and it was enough to have that assurance. Her fingers slipped between the spines of his fringe and he groaned as the contact with the abundance of nerve endings there sent sparks throughout his body. The reverberations of his voice seemed to add to the sensations she herself was experiencing and he did it again to hear her moan. He risked a glance up her body and was rewarded by the sight of Shepard completely open to him, vulnerable in a way that made him feel like he’d been granted every one of Palaven’s moons. Her lips were parted and her eyes were tightly closed. Her hair fanned around her like silk over the pillow. The hand that wasn’t entangled in his fringe gripped the sheets tightly enough to make her skin almost transparent over the bone. “Garrus, please!” she groaned as he slipped a finger inside of her and felt the velvety softness envelop the digit. 

“Tell me what you want, Shepard,” he said against her. 

“You,” she gasped. “I want you.”

He grinned up at her and stalked up her radiant body. "I think we can manage that," he said, reveling in the sight of her. This was so much better than that time on the Mako when he'd been forced to push her away. This was his Shepard, beneath him and present and looking up at him with emotion and fire shining in her eyes. He thought he was the luckiest man in the whole damn galaxy.

___

Gods, he was beautiful. Desire raced through her veins and Shepard wondered why the hell she'd waited so long. She'd slept beside him for months without doing more than enjoying the warm comfort of his presence. She called herself a fool in four different languages as she reached for him. All of the anger, sadness, guilt, and helpless fury she'd felt earlier with the batarian slaver had morphed into heat and love and longing. She vowed not to let herself forget him again, not to let work overshadow what they were to each other, to cherish every moment they had together because they both knew all too well that each one could be their last.

He cradled her head between his hands and placed his forehead against hers as his talons trailed through her hair. She reached up and pulled the ever-present visor from his face and met his gaze directly. Her breath caught as he pressed his length up against her entrance and his hitched when she wrapped her legs around his waist. They stayed like that for a long moment before he began to move, pressing into her inch by delectable inch. He was thicker than what she was accustomed to, but the combination of their lubricating fluids allowed him to slip easily into her. Her heart pounded in her ears as she recognized that this was Garrus, _her_ Garrus, with whom she was joining.

She cried out when he hilted himself inside of her. She stroked the underside of his fringe and then raked her nails against them and he rewarded her with a groan. She repeated the motion and then pressed into the sensitive spot just below his fringe. He slid out of her again and then pushed into her with a bit more force. Her nails dug into his hide and her sound of pleasure was almost wanton. He experimented with pressure and speed until he found a rhythm that had her gasping and arching into him. Her free hand moved to his waist as she stroked his fringe and he thrust into her as he allowed his talons to dance lightly over her skin.

He felt perfect, like nothing she’d ever experienced. The roll of his hips, the slide of his pulsing length inside her, the careful scrape of his talons over her back and waist, the friction of his tough hide against her chest, the heat of his breath on her exposed neck, and the intimacy of their position all served to drive her to the point of madness. He shuddered above her and his hands clamped firmly around her waist as he breathed her name into her neck. His hot, textured tongue slid over the pulse point in her throat and the shiver that ran through her was pure desire. The scrape of his teeth against her neck and the obvious control with which he held himself ignited something in her. She shuddered and rolled her pelvis against him, seeking that final push that would send her over the edge. “Garrus, please!” 

His low growl vibrated against her skin and she gave an uncharacteristic yelp of surprise when he withdrew before flipping her over and pulling her onto her knees. He pushed into her in a quick thrust and she gasped at the suddenness of his intrusion. Then he pulsed inside of her, flaring the soft barbs that lined his cock, and she bit the side of her hand to muffle her resulting moan. He leaned forward, pushing himself deeper into her and said into her ear, “ _This_ is what I would do with you if you were turian.” His talons scratched over her waist and dug into her hips as he held her unmoving against him and he continued to pulse. It didn’t have the friction she was used to but the sensation was entirely new and almost overwhelming in its intensity as he seemed to touch every place inside of her. His finger came down to rub against her clit and she began to move instinctively, seeking the friction to go along with his pulsating movements. When she did, he groaned loudly, “Spirits, yes.” It took a few tries, but he coordinated the pulses with thrusts into her and she lost all track of place or time. 

“Oh, gods, Garrus,” she moaned into her pillow. “Just like that.”

She reached back to grab his slim waist and he groaned, “Shepard!” as her fingers trailed over his suede-like hide. 

Their pace increased and soon their hands were everywhere they could reach and their ragged breathing echoed off of the walls. Her pillow muffled her cries and his hand gripped her hair tightly. His rhythm of thrust, pulse, withdraw was quickly driving her insane. Still he kept going until he was slamming into her and she was being stretched by every thrust as he pounded into her. His talons raked her back and she heard his secondary vocals kick up and become erratic. She met his thrusts and used her hands on his waist and behind his spurs to drive him higher even as she soared with him. Her convulsions triggered his and he spilled himself into her as his base filled her and locked him inside of her. He nipped her shoulder and rested his forehead against her spine. 

"Spirits, Shepard," he whispered. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No," she answered breathlessly. "That was...damn, Garrus. Why haven't we been doing that for the past year?"

"Criminal stupidity?" he suggested.

"Mmm," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe you should arrest me, then."

"Give me a few minutes, woman," he laughed. "Are you always this insatiable?"

"Only with you, I think," she answered and then sobered. He turned her face so that she was looking at him and she said, "Was it at least enjoyable for you?"

"Hell, Shepard. It was awful," he said with a twinkle in his eye. "So awful, in fact, that I think I'm going to have to take one for the team and make sure no one else ever has to experience it."

"Gonna dive on that grenade, huh?" she asked with a grin. "How selfless of you."

"Selfless, absolutely," he said haughtily. He lowered his voice and nuzzled her ear, sending sparks racing across her skin. "What about you? How does it feel to be the woman in Archangel's bed?"

"I think I can tolerate it," she said seriously. He nipped her neck and she laughed. "Fuck, Garrus, that was amazing." She felt him soften inside of her and slip out. He rolled onto his back and pulled her into his arms. His cocky grin softened and he tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear. His forehead dipped to press against hers and she nuzzled against it. "I love you, Garrus," she whispered.

"I...love you, too, Shepard," he said hesitantly. "Did you know that there isn't a word for that in my language? We don't verbalize it. We vocalize and demonstrate it. Like this," he said, gesturing to their joined foreheads. "And like this." She both felt and heard the purr that had become familiar to her, the one she'd called contentment, and her eyes widened as she realized that he'd been telling her all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lisa Miskovsky "Still Alive" (Theme song for "Mirror's Edge")  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzmUde_EK5Y


	11. When We Stand Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One more depending on a prayer and we all look away. People pretending everywhere, it's just another day. There's bullets flying through the air and they still carry on. We watch it happen over there and then just turn it off. We must stand together. There's no giving in. Hand in hand forever. That's when we all win.  
> The right thing to guide us is right here inside us. No one can divide us when the light is nearly gone. But just like a heartbeat, the drumbeat carries on. We must stand together. There's no giving in. Hand in hand forever. That's when we all win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Inspiration has finally hit again for this story. Thank you, dear readers, for your patience with me on this!

“All right, Garrus. This is it,” Shepard said. “Do this and your Spectre training is complete.”

“Are you serious?” he sputtered.

She nodded. “You’re more than ready. The Council has agreed. One more mission.”

“Wait. Wait,” Weaver said, holding up a hand. “You’re leaving us?”

Shepard looked at the girl and then around at Garrus’ gathered crew. She’d come not only to like them, but to care about them. Their time on Omega had grown longer than even the hunt for Saren and she knew some of them at least as well as she did Tali and Liara. Sidonis and Monteague had become close friends to Garrus. Mieren and Melenis were almost the sisters Shepard had never had. She’d even overcome most of her reservations with Vortash. 

“But we just started,” protested their newest member, a blonde human female named Moira Sensat. She was Erash’s sister-in-law of all things. Shepard hadn’t realized salarians even had concepts such as love or marriage, but Sensat and her partner seemed to make it work. 

“ _You_ just started,” Monteague pointed out. “We’ve been doing this for more than a year. We’ve managed to make a serious dent in the criminal population of Omega.”

“Yeah, but they’re still here,” Sensat said. 

“Omega will never be free of crime,” Butler said. “The fighting has to end sometime. Some of us have plans for the future.” He and Nalah had just adopted an orphaned human baby girl and Nalah was beginning to express doubts about Butler’s involvement. Shepard suspected he wouldn’t stay with them much longer regardless.

“And more than enough credits,” Sidonis pointed out. “We could retire and live like primarchs.”

“But…” Weaver said, looking around. “I thought we were a family.”

“We are,” Melenis assured her. “But families do not stay together forever. That does not mean that their members no longer care.”

“You can come with us,” Shepard offered. “Any of you. There’s something coming that’s bigger than all of us and we’re going to need help fighting it. And there’s still the matter of the Collectors to be dealt with.” They’d made no progress on that front. The last time she’d spoken to him, Kaidan had told her he’d been assigned to Horizon in the Iera system to help prepare defenses in case of an attack, but that the Alliance was giving only minimal support to the colonies in the Traverse and Terminus and still believed the attacks were the work of raiders.

Butler shook his head. “Sorry, Shepard. I left that behind a long time ago.”

“Alliance don’t want people like us,” Ripper said.

“I do,” Shepard told her. “And I get to determine the makeup of my crew.”

“Why don’t we let them think about it?” Garrus suggested. “There’s no point in making a decision until we get this mission done.”

Shepard nodded and they gathered around the table in the basement briefing room where Vortash and Ripper had ensured that they couldn’t be monitored. The current assignment had been dropped into their laps by Aria T’Loak herself. She seemed to approve of what they were doing if her lack of interference was any indication, especially after Shepard and Garrus had helped her with Patriarch. They stayed out of her way and left her flunkies alone. Shepard thought they could take Aria if they had to, but no one wanted to. Grundan had told them stories about Patriarch’s rule before Aria had overthrown him. Omega was bad now, but it had been worse. 

They were going after a red sand dealer that Aria had been content to allow to continue operating as long as he stayed out of her way. Recently, however, he’d traded red sand for Minagen X3, a potent and deadly upgrade. One of Aria’s dancers had gotten her hands on some of it and died. Aria was pissed. Ascertaining their mission, she’d thrown Archangel a bone in letting them handle it. Shepard didn’t care why they’d gotten the assignment. A dangerous drug would be kept out of Citadel space. The Council was happy. Aria was happy. Everyone would be happy except Thralog Mirki’it. 

She supposed ‘dealer’ was a bit reductive. Thralog Mirki’it was simply the head of a very large, very expansive network. Someone would surely fill the void eventually, but they hoped that Aria’s message regarding Minagen X3 would get across and at least keep the far more dangerous drug off the streets. They didn’t just want the ringleader. They wanted the whole network.

Aria had notified them that Thralog was meeting with his lieutenants in the Zeta District tonight. Their base was rumored to be heavily fortified and guarded both by soldiers and mechs. The various merc groups used him as their primary supplier for red sand, so they provided the manpower to protect the supplies. Shepard wasn’t overly concerned about pissing the merc groups off. They were under Aria’s thumb. The asari wouldn’t let them loose as long as she continued to find Archangel useful. She was under no illusions that the pirate queen would hold them back after that, but she didn’t think they’d outlived their use yet.

“Okay,” Garrus said, leaning a hand against the table as he called up a holo of the base. “We’re taking the whole team for this one. Ripper, you’re on comms. Nothing gets in or out after I give the signal. Butler, you’re going to lead a team with Erash, Mierin, and Grundan. Erash, I want you to breach this wall here for your entry point. Maximize confusion and disorientation.” 

“Can do, boss,” the tall salarian said.

“Sidonis, you take Sensat, Weaver, and Vortash. Go in through the roof. Vortash, I want data on their shipments, suppliers, manufacturers, anything. Shepard, Monteague, Melenis, and I will take the front and strike directly at their leaders. We’re going to get them looking in so many directions, they won’t know where to aim. Joker, you stay here and hold down the fort.”

“Aye aye, sir,” Joker said, snapping off a mock salute. 

They left by separate routes as they always did. Butler’s team went through the tunnels so that Erash could double check the traps they’d set. Sidonis’ team piled into a skycar. Shepard, Garrus, Monteague, and Melenis crossed the bridge and crowded into a second skycar, which Garrus piloted across the districts. 

Omega looked peaceful from a distance. Even the constant haze served to cast a kind of soft focus over the station from the air. Melenis and Monteague talked softly in the backseat and Shepard slipped a hand into Garrus’. He flicked a mandible in a half-smile and glanced over at her. Gods, he was beautiful. She’d spent hours lying in his arms simply looking at him and she still couldn’t get enough.

“You look different,” she said. When he glanced at her, she continued, “Your mandibles are longer. So’s your fringe. And it’s not as tight as it was before.” Monteague made a choked sound in the backseat and Shepard gaped at Garrus. “Oh, gods. Did I just insult you?”

Garrus smothered a laugh and said, “Not really. You just called me old. Our mandibles continue to grow as we age. So does our skull for a while, though at a much slower rate once we’re adults. The fringe spreads. My plates are changing, too.” He used a finger to draw a Y through the arrowhead-shaped plate in the center of his forehead. “Fortunately, aging doesn’t have the negative connotations that it does with your species.” He tossed his head with a grin. “It just enhances my devastating good looks.” 

“I’ll still think you’re handsome even when you’re ancient,” she said with a smile. 

“Yeah?” he asked. “Well, I’ll still think you’re beautiful even when your face gets squishy and your hair turns gray.”

“Ass,” Shepard snorted.

“What’d I say?” he asked. 

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head with a grin. “It was sweet. Sort of. We’re here.”

“I didn’t mean—” he started.

She squeezed his hand. “I knew what you meant, Garrus. I was just teasing. Now, let’s go kick some ass, Spectre-trainee Vakarian.”

___

 

His last training assignment. It seemed fitting that the squad was all here. Garrus hadn’t thought he could get closer to a team than he had the one Shepard put together to take down Saren, but he’d been wrong. These were _his_ people. He and Shepard had spent almost two years with them now. He hadn’t seen Liara, Wrex, Kaidan, or Tali since they’d left Omega. He still cared about them and called them friends, of course, but these were his people now. He sincerely hoped that at least some of them would come with him when he and Shepard left.

There was no question that he would go with her. They were a team. Even when he was made a Spectre, he didn’t anticipate that changing. He was sure they wouldn’t be able to work together on every assignment the Council gave them, but it would still be better than going back to C-Sec and being stuck on the Citadel while she was out saving the galaxy without him. Jumping out of that escape pod was the best decision he’d ever made. It had been hard and there were times when he’d thought they weren’t going to make it, but they had. 

He still wondered how the hell a guy like him got lucky enough to get a girl like her, but the work he’d done with his team and going through his training meant that he no longer felt like he didn’t deserve her. They’d done good on Omega, and while she’d been a great help, she’d held back and let him do the vast majority even after she’d recovered. He couldn’t be _her_ , of course. No one could and he no longer wanted to. But he did feel that he was someone who was worth something. His dad might not be proud of him, but she was and he thought Mom would be, too. 

The other teams notified him that they were in position and Erash began the countdown. The explosion signaled the start of the attack and the four of them moved in as one. Shepard liked her three-man infiltration teams, but Garrus preferred four. He and Shepard regularly sought the high ground and a fourth man meant the two on the ground could cover each other when they were otherwise engaged. The bunker was a single-story building, though, so he drew his assault rifle while Shepard brought out her pistol and her hand began to glow blue. 

Zeta District was heavily populated, but if the residents noticed the gunfire, they didn’t show it. He supposed they were accustomed to it. Pain and suffering meant nothing on Omega where the daily death toll numbered in the hundreds and bodies were collected in the mornings to be burned during the day. There was nowhere to bury them and spacing the remains wasn’t an option around a space station. Burning was the most efficient way to deal with them. Still, he didn’t think he’d ever get the stench of seared flesh out of his nasal plates. 

Erash’s distraction was successful. The mercs were drawn away from the front to investigate the source of the blast and the resistance his team met on the way in was minimal. It increased the farther they went into the compound, but that was to be expected. Dark energy flashed from Shepard’s and Melenis’ hands and the assault rifles he and Monteague carried clattered and echoed in the narrow hallways. He could hear gunfire from elsewhere in the compound. Vortash clicked his radio to notify Garrus that he had accessed the systems. 

They found the leaders bunkered in the storage room at the center of the compound. Shepard sneered at the batarian ringleader and cracked her knuckles. Vortash came over the comm. “Got something, boss. Looks like the drugs are coming from a volus on Illium. He’s selling them to Eclipse, who’s supplying Thralog. Eclipse is then taking a cut of what he gets from Blood Pack and Blue Suns.”

“Explains the excess of Eclipse,” Erash said. “Expected more of the others.”

“Bet the other two don’t know,” Shepard said.

If they leaked that information, the other two groups would likely turn on Eclipse. Divide and conquer. He already had the Blue Suns running scared after breaking into Tarak’s apartment one night. Eclipse was already weakened. Last month, they’d raided a shipment and taken out Jaroth’s top lieutenant and one of his best soldiers in the process. It had been a major coup. Half of the tainted eezo he’d seized in his days at C-Sec had come from this place. He was still proud of that one and suspected that was what had gotten the Council to pay attention to the work they were doing here rather than simply using it as an excuse to keep Shepard out of the way while they covered up the Reaper threat. 

He was still pissed they refused to listen to her about the Reapers. It amazed him that they could continue to deny it after Sovereign had parked itself on their doorstep, but Shepard seemed almost to have expected their reaction. Without resources or support, there was nothing they could do but wait and try to convince their governments to prepare. They’d delayed the invasion and bought time, but how much? With the Reapers out in dark space, there wasn’t an enemy to fight. He suspected that was the only reason Shepard was still here. 

Melenis cast a singularity at a krogan in the corner and Shepard detonated it with a warp. The krogan’s barriers fell and the two of them finished him off together. They reminded him a bit of the way that Shepard and Liara used to work together. They played off of each other’s strengths and combined their biotics in ways that Garrus hadn’t realized they could do. He and Monteague worked on whittling down shields and taking out enemies the old-fashioned way. Butler and Sidonis gave the all-clear just as Melenis cast Thralog into a stasis and Shepard and Monteague took down the salarian engineer before he could place a turret.

Garrus sauntered over to a crate in the corner as the other two teams piled into the room. He was proud of them. They’d just taken down a fortified enemy base in under half an hour with no casualties on their own side. A part of him wanted to stay here and purge this damn place. Omega couldn’t withstand the force that was Archangel when they all worked together. 

Shepard was right about the Collectors, though. They might only be targeting human colonies for now, but for what purpose and where would they turn after they finished? Would they just keep harvesting? Did they want all of humanity or just a portion of it? Without the Alliance, there was no way the Hierarchy could defeat the Reapers on its own. The galaxy needed the humans and he recognized the irony in a turian being the first to admit that. He had to go. As Kaidan would say, there were bigger fish to fry than this station.

He opened one of the crates and dipped his hand into the red dust inside. It was more powdery than red sand, but otherwise indistinguishable from the milder drug. No wonder people were fooled. The others gave him a wide berth as he carried it over to the batarian leader. He cocked his head at Shepard and she stepped up beside him, already anticipating what he wanted to do. Turian mouths weren’t particularly designed for blowing and he still wore the helmet he almost never took off outside the base. Shepard preferred to simply use a visor, so he held his hand down at her level and let her blow the dust from his fingers into all four of the batarian’s eyes. Melenis released the stasis and Thralog screamed and clawed at his face. 

Shepard brought out a bottle of water and poured it over his glove, washing the Minagen X3 from his hand. “You didn’t breathe it in, did you?” he asked as she took a large sip, swished it around in her mouth, and spat. 

“No, but I’d rather be too careful than dead,” she said, pouring a stream of water into each eye. That looked painful to him, but she just blinked a few times and wiped the moisture from her face. “Congratulations, Vakarian. You have officially completed Spectre training.”

The others broke out into a round of applause and Sidonis clapped him on the back. “Congratulations, brother,” Lantar said. 

“I couldn’t have done it without you guys,” he told them. “You’ve been…like family to me. I’m, ah, not really good at, ahem, expressing this—”

“Then, don’t,” Butler said with a grin. 

“We know, Dad,” Weaver said, throwing an arm around him. “We love you, too.”

“Speak for yourself, human,” Grundan grumbled to her before lightly punching Garrus on the shoulder. Of course, a light punch from a krogan was still enough to shove him forward. “You did good, kid.”

“We should celebrate,” Mierin suggested. 

The others quickly agreed and began discussing among themselves. Garrus wrapped an arm around Shepard’s shoulders as they sauntered out of the demolished base. He would give Aria the all-clear to come in and clear the drugs. He normally wouldn’t trust her with a task like that, but she’d made it clear that she didn’t want the stuff on her station and thought it should be destroyed. She wouldn’t sell it. Dead customers were bad for business.

“Agent Vakarian,” Shepard said, smiling up at him. “I think it has a nice ring to it.”

“Not as good as Commander Shepard,” he conceded, “but I think I can live with it.”

“I don’t know, though,” she said. “I think I’m going to miss Archangel.”

He leaned down and purred against her ear as well as he could through the helmet, “You can have Archangel whenever you want.”

“Oh, really?” she asked. “I’ll hold you to that.”

They reached the skycar and climbed in. Monteague and Melenis had chosen to go back with the others, so they were alone. He input the coordinates for the base and sat back in his seat, content to be here with Shepard at his side. Yes, they’d done good work on Omega, but it was time to think about moving on. He’d spread the word about Eclipse and the drug deal so it would get back to the other groups and simply hope that they’d wipe each other out with their infighting. 

Movement on the ground caught his eye and he turned the autopilot off. Shepard leaned over him to see what he was looking at and looked up at him with a raised brow and an excited grin. “Up for one more fight?” she asked. “Just you and me?”

“Just like old times,” he said, thinking of Alchera and their battle against the slavers. Spirits, had that really been two years ago already? It seemed like both an eternity and mere weeks.

“Hell, yes,” she said. 

He put the skycar down out of sight of the lone krogan walking through Kima District after ensuring that no other Blood Pack were around. Krogan were one thing here; vorcha were less welcome. They still came through on occasion, but not as often. They tended to keep to Gozu and a few of the other districts. The krogan and batarians were the only ones who could really tolerate the vile creatures. 

“Lead the way, Archangel,” Shepard said when they disembarked the vehicle. 

He conferred with her and they separated to find their perches. He preferred fighting side-by-side with her, but he’d learned the value of crossfire. He climbed up onto the roof of a building down the street Garm trundled through and saw Shepard slip into place across the way. She lay in the prone position and signaled her readiness while he crouched down behind the ledge that lined the roof. He lined up his scope with Garm’s head and waited for the krogan to draw closer. If they were lucky, an overload combined with Shepard’s warp would take his barriers down and their armor-piercing ammo would do the rest. 

They weren’t lucky. Damn it, he’d never seen a krogan regenerate that fast! Garm shook off their projectiles like they were nothing more than a minor irritation, drew his shotgun, and began to fire at them. He threw a warp at Shepard and Garrus saw her roll out of the way just in time. He ran and leaped from one roof to the next, trying to regain distance as the krogan charged forward. They had to stay ahead of him. 

Attacking from behind wouldn’t work. Even if they got through the armor covering his head, the krogan’s hump would just absorb the rounds and there were few vulnerabilities along their backs given their redundant organs. They had to go for the head, but that meant they also had to outrun him. He saw Shepard leap over the gap between two buildings. He was slightly faster than she was, but she was keeping up. She paused to throw a warp at the krogan to keep his barrier down and sprinted across another rooftop.

They finally moved ahead and got into position. Again, the krogan shook off their shots. It just served to make him angrier. He was a damn freak of nature. Sniping wasn’t going to work. He signaled across to Shepard and found her already moving, anticipating his order. As stupid as it was to get in close quarters with a krogan, their current plan wasn’t working. They maneuvered Garm into an alleyway with a dead end and exchanged gunfire with him while Shepard warped him and Garrus overloaded his barrier when he managed to get it back up. 

Shepard cast a singularity, which did little until she detonated it with a shockwave. It exploded around the krogan, dropping his barriers completely and making him bellow. Garrus stepped out and opened fire. He heard the report of her pistol as she waited for her amp to cool down and then saw the blue orb of her warp. He fired at the point where it hit and the krogan’s armor cracked. 

He heard Garm radio for reinforcements and cast a glance at Shepard. “Take him down!” she shouted. He nodded acknowledgment. He didn’t know if they could handle a team of vorcha alongside Garm with their current loadout. He didn’t want to find out. He fired until his heat sink was spent and ducked back into cover to reload. Shepard stepped out again, her body flickering blue, and sent another biotic attack at the krogan before lifting her heavy pistol. He saw her flinch when one of Garm’s warps hit her, dropping her barriers. She rolled back into cover and Garrus stepped out to cover her while she got them back up. 

They were trading places again when a round caught him in the shoulder. His armor automatically dispensed medigel to the wound, but damn, it hurt. Even pinned down and wounded, the krogan was battering them. No way he could have finished him off on his own. Garm regenerated too quickly. He heard the hiss that signified vorcha and spun around to fire on the one that rounded the corner behind them with a flamethrower. Spirits, he hated vorcha. 

When he turned back to Garm, Shepard had replaced her pistol with her sniper rifle. The range was too close to conventionally call for it, but the rifle had more power than her pistol. He overloaded Garm’s barriers while she lined up her shot. The rifle cracked and Garm went down with a hole in his head. Garrus leaped over a pile of trash against the wall of a building and strode up to the krogan. He fired down into his face until his heat sink ejected from the rifle. 

“Let’s go!” Shepard said, grabbing him by the elbow. 

She raised the pistol she’d brought out again and fired behind them. He looked up from the dead krogan to find the alley lined with vorcha carrying more flamethrowers. There was no way they could get through until they were clear. Shepard used a singularity to catch as many as she could and detonated it with another shockwave. Garrus fired on the stragglers and she dominated one of the vorcha and forced it to turn on its allies. 

When the street was clear, they bolted for the skycar and dove in before more reinforcements could arrive. He reset the autopilot to take them home and they collapsed back against their seats, breathing heavily and laughing wildly. Shepard leaned her head against his arm and said, “Damn it, Vakarian. I didn’t think we’d ever get him down.”

“We’re Spectres,” he said in mock admonishment. “We can’t be defeated by a _mercenary_. It would just look bad.”

“True,” she chuckled. “Imagine the headlines. Man, Wrex would be pissed!”

“Or he’d laugh at us and say something about krogan superiority,” Garrus said.

“Squishy humans,” she imitated. 

“Damn turians,” he copied. 

“Gods, I love you,” she breathed with a wide smile. “That was fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics, Nickelback, "When We Stand Together." And omg, this amazing video for it. https://youtu.be/rmO0dzq1RiY


	12. Warriors, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a child, you would wait and watch from far away, but you always knew that you'd be the one that worked while they all played. In youth, you'd lay awake at night and scheme of all the things that you would change, but it was just a dream.  
> Here we are. Don't turn away now. We are the warriors that built this town.

“Ugh, I don’t feel so good.” Weaver stumbled into the living area with her arms banded across her abdomen. Rather than going to Vortash or Garrus, she plopped heavily on the couch beside Shepard and laid her head against her shoulder. 

“What’s wrong, honey?” Shepard asked, brushing the girl’s dark hair from a forehead that felt very warm. 

“Everything,” Weaver said, sounding her age for the first time since Shepard had met the girl. She’d hesitated to bring her out on missions until Garrus had pointed out that she was almost old enough to join the Alliance and would have already begun her mandatory service if she’d been turian. 

She scanned her with her omni-tool and her brow furrowed. “Did you get hit during the Minagen raid?” she asked.

“Grazed,” Weaver said. “I put medigel on it. It was fine.”

“ _Was_ fine?” Shepard asked.

“‘Till this morning,” Weaver said, nodding against Shepard’s shoulder. “It was red when I woke up and now it’s swollen and hurts and everything aches. I think I’m sick.”

“Monteague!” Shepard called and turned back to Weaver. “Sit up, sweetheart, and let us look at it.” She didn’t know when she’d begun to look at the prickly girl as one of her own, but she did and Weaver had taken to calling her ‘Mom’ in the same way she called Garrus ‘Dad’. Shepard liked it more than she would have expected when she’d first met her.

Weaver drew her shirt sleeve up with a wince and revealed the angry red line above her elbow. She was right. It had just been a graze. Now, though, it was clearly infected. Medigel had closed the wound, but that had just sealed the infection in. Red streaks radiated from the swollen scar. Blood poisoning. She needed antibiotics. 

Monteague jogged over with his medical bag and shook his head. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” he asked, probing gently at her arm with a gloved finger.

“It was just a scratch,” she said. “I didn’t want to be kept out of the field.”

“Do we need to take her to Mordin?” Shepard asked.

“Can’t,” he said. “There’s some sort of plague going on down there. The district’s under quarantine. No one in. No one out.”

“What kind of plague?” Shepard asked.

“The kind that affects everyone but humans,” he said. “Doc thinks it’s artificially created and he’s working on reverse engineering a cure, but he doesn’t have it yet. Fortunately, this is in the early stages, so we can treat her here. She’s just going to be miserable for a few days.”

He injected Weaver with an antibiotic and she laid down with her head across Shepard’s lap. Shepard threaded her fingers through the girl’s hair and asked Mierin to bring a blanket. Vortash stopped in the doorway and said, “What’s wrong with her?”

“Infected gunshot wound,” Shepard said. “Monteague’s treated it.”

“She gonna be okay?” he asked. “Never seen her sick before. What can I do?”

“She’ll be fine,” Shepard assured him. “Some water, maybe? Fever dehydrates.”

“What is a fever?” he asked, crossing to the kitchen. “Will it harm her?”

“No,” Shepard explained. “It’s a good thing. The body temperature rises when fighting infection. It helps as long as it doesn’t get too high. If it does, there are ways to bring it down.”

“He’s so sweet when he worries,” Mierin sighed. 

Vortash knelt down in front of Weaver and pressed the glass into her hand. His lower eyes watched the girl drink while the upper eyes looked to Shepard. “You swear she’ll be all right?”

“She’ll be fine,” Shepard reiterated. It really was sweet to see him worried about the girl. Their relationship was odd. He didn’t use her. They weren’t involved. Weaver didn’t view him as a parental figure. They had nothing in common. Yet they were fiercely loyal to each other and Shepard had finally accepted that he truly did care about her. “You’re unlike any batarian I’ve ever met, Vortash.”

“We aren’t all like the ones you’ve been exposed to,” he said. “My buddy Bray isn’t anti-human, either. He fired the last guy who tried to poison your drink at Afterlife. Thought about bringing him on, but didn’t know if you’d accept it and he won’t leave Aria.”

“Few do,” she said.

“Out the front door, at least,” he agreed. Weaver finished the glass of water and he rocked back on his heels, apparently satisfied for now. “Take care of her.”

“I will,” Shepard said.

“Not a kid,” Weaver mumbled as she clutched her Blasto toy to her chest. 

Shepard just shook her head and smiled down at the girl as she continued to brush her fingers through her hair. Weaver’s face relaxed and her eyes drifted closed. A moment later, her breathing steadied as she fell asleep. Shepard wondered if this was what it was like to have a child. The warmth she felt when she looked at the troubled teen was undeniable. 

Weaver—she still didn’t know her first name—was so much like Shepard herself that it was uncanny. More than once, she’d wondered if this was who she’d be if she hadn’t found the Alliance. If she’d been rescued from Mindoir by a reticent but benign batarian and brought to the Terminus, would she have been any different from the girl lying in her lap? She pushed people away in the beginning just like Weaver. She looked for family in her team once she allowed herself to care like Weaver looked for it with them. She ached for connections and affection just like Weaver. She had the same streak of anger inside. She’d just learned to control it where Weaver hadn’t yet. Age would likely hone that anger into a weapon she could wield, but Shepard remembered how hard it had been to do that when she’d been a teenager. 

Garrus walked into the room and did a double-take at the sight of Shepard with the girl in her lap. His intense expression softened and he leaned over the couch. “Everything okay?” Shepard explained and he gently drew his fingers through the girl’s hair the way Shepard had done. “Well, I just got a call from Sidonis. He discovered a Blood Pack op running guns through Kenzo District. He’s asking for backup. Requested the two of us, but I don’t want to take you from her when she’s sick. He and I can handle it.”

Weaver stirred and blinked up at Shepard with feverish grey eyes. “I’d come, but I don’t want to leave her. Take Melenis,” Shepard suggested. “She’s probably as close as you’ll get to having me there and if he was asking for both of us, he probably needs biotics.”

“Good idea,” Garrus said. “I’ll get her.”

“Hey,” she said when he would have straightened. He stopped and she brought a hand up to his mandible. He let her guide his forehead to hers. “Be careful.”

“I’m a Spectre, remember?” he asked. “I can handle a little Blood Pack. Besides, without Garm, they’ll be a lot weaker.”

“Don’t get cocky, Vakarian,” she said and pressed her lips to his. “I have plans for you tonight. Make sure you’re here.”

 

“Definitely,” he said, bumping his forehead again before going off in search of the asari.

Weaver groaned and shifted, driving her uninjured shoulder into Shepard’s hip. She used the back of her hand to test the girl’s temperature and frowned. It was higher. A quick scan showed that it had climbed almost into the danger zone. She waved Monteague over and the turian agreed. He gave her a fever reducer and an immunobooster and told her he’d check again in an hour. Mierin brought a cool washcloth and Shepard draped it over the girl’s forehead. 

She was a pretty child when she wasn’t scowling and would likely grow into a beautiful young woman. She was tall and gangly now, but would be elegant when she filled out. Her short, spiky dark hair was silky and complimented the golden tone of her skin. Her grey eyes were striking. Her features were slightly mismatched with a delicate nose and a mouth that was slightly too wide, but that, too, was something she’d grow into. 

Shepard hoped she would come with them. She’d grown into a competent fighter under the squad’s instruction and the Alliance welcomed biotics. Perhaps she could find a way to get her into Grissom Academy. She’d get an education, military training, exposure to other kids her age, and see what life was like outside the Terminus. She resolved to talk to Anderson about it. He was as close as anyone came to friends with Jon Grissom. He might be willing to pull some strings for her.

“Shepard?” Erash called out. “Activity on the perimeter.”

Shepard lifted Weaver’s head and moved a pillow to replace her lap as she rose. “What have we got?”

The others were already moving to the armor lockers. Shepard jogged over to the monitoring station where Erash sat in front of a terminal displaying feeds from the cameras they’d set up around the base. “Lots of movement.” He looked up at her. “Looks like the gangs decided to get rid of us once and for all.”

She cursed at the vid feed. Mercenaries were flooding onto the boulevard at the end of the bridge. Skycars, shuttles, and… “Is that a gunship?” Erash nodded. “Shit.” She pushed off the back of his chair and raised her voice so it would carry through the compound. “All right, everybody. We’ve got a situation. Looks like the mercs have decided to cooperate. Vortash, Erash, secure the tunnels. Ripper, get over here and monitor the feeds. Try to hack their comms and find out what’s going on. Monteague, carry Weaver into my room. Joker, get a pistol and barricade in there with her. Mierin, Grundan, Sensat, set up a perimeter around the bridge. Make sure no one gets in. Butler, get Garrus or Melenis and Sidonis. Tell them to break off. We need them back here ASAP.”

A chorus of ‘yes ma’am’s met her orders and the others scurried to obey. She ran into her room and began to don her armor. Monteague carried a confused and sleepy Weaver into the room and laid her on the bed. Joker limped in after them with a pistol on his hip and an assault rifle in his hands. “Can you handle that?” she asked as she strapped into her breastplate. 

“If I have to,” he said. “I’d rather not, but I can shoot, Commander. Even with Vroliks, you still have to qualify at the range to get into the Alliance.”

“Okay,” she said, clipping her weapons to her armor. “We’ll try to keep them away, but if they get through, you do what you can to defend yourselves. Don’t let Weaver exert herself unless she has to.”

“We’ll be fine. Don’t get shot by a gunship!” he called after her as she jogged through the door and locked it behind her.

“Ma’am!” Butler called out. “I can’t get Garrus, Melenis, or Sidonis.”

“Have they blocked our comms, Ripper?” she asked. 

“Nope,” Ripper said. Her hands flew steadily over the terminal display. “I may not be as good as Vortash, but they aren’t as good as me. Our lines are open and secure. Problem’s gotta be on their end.”

 _Trap,_ Shepard thought, but shook it off. Sidonis would have to be involved and he wouldn’t betray them. She hoped they were all right and just out of range or too busy to respond. “Keep trying,” she told Butler.

“We got bodies on the main barricade,” Ripper warned. 

Shepard heard the report of Grundan’s shotgun echo through the base. Mierin shouted something and Sensat’s rifle clattered. Shepard took the stairs two at a time and slid into position against the bunkroom wall. There was no glass in the window overlooking the main room and the bridge, so she drew her sniper rifle and peered down the scope. The mercs were setting up more barricades behind the one Garrus had ordered put into place at the end of the bridge. The ground team had run across and were using theirs for cover while they fired on the mercenaries. There were hundreds of them. Where was Garrus?

Grundan threw a grenade over the barricade and it was answered with a rocket launcher. Shepard squeezed the trigger and the salarian holding it fell. She picked them off as they approached and when she was certain Grundan’s team could hold without her, she darted through the compound, stockpiling heat sinks and medigel where they could be easily accessed. The bunkroom would be their final fallback location, so she gathered up ammunition, medical supplies, stims, and ration packs and carried them upstairs. 

She thought about taking the team out through the tunnels. Could they hold against this many? Where would they go if they left? The mercenary groups ruled Omega and if they were here, that meant Aria had decided Archangel was no longer an asset. She wouldn’t help. She briefly considered Patriarch, but the old krogan had no more power than Aria allowed him. They couldn’t get to the Gozu District and couldn’t put Mordin’s patients at risk even if they could. They had no ship. There was no escaping the station. Neither the Alliance nor the Council would send aid into the Terminus, even for a Spectre and her trainee. She wished for the _Normandy_ , but that was a waste of time. No, running would only delay the inevitable and take them from their supplies. The base was the best place for this showdown. 

“Fall back,” she ordered Grundan’s team. “Hold the bridge. They can’t get to us if they can’t get across.” 

“Commander, I still can’t get the other team,” Butler called up. “Garrus’ and Melenis’ omni-tools are reading in the Kenzo District, but they aren’t answering hails and I can’t get a lock on Sidonis at all. I think their signal is being blocked.”

“Ripper, keep trying,” she said as she returned to her position and began to fire on the mercs again. “Butler, get out on the bridge.”

“What the hell’s _she_ doing here?” one of the mercs called out below. “Lady Death’s supposed to be with Archangel!”

It had to be a damn trap. Blood Pack had likely put up a front and somehow managed to lead Sidonis to it, knowing he’d call for her and Garrus since he rarely went anywhere without her. Lady Death was her own nickname among the criminal element here. She liked it. It showed their fear of her and sent a message much like Archangel. It was still odd being second-in-command to Garrus where the team was concerned even after two years, but she could admit to a primal little thrill when people referred to her as Archangel’s lady, especially since they did so with respect rather than derision. 

She was almost as notorious as he was and as far as she knew, they still hadn’t connected her identity. She wasn’t as well-known in the Terminus as she was in the rest of the galaxy and most people out here still thought she was dead. She was content to let them believe that, especially given her dislike for closed helmets after Alchera. If they figured out her identity, it wasn’t a far stretch to figure out who the turian at her side was. It kept Garrus safer if no one knew who she was, so the moniker was just an extra layer of protection. 

Her changed appearance helped as well. She hadn’t cut her hair again after Mordin shaved it for her surgery and it was much longer than it had been before. She’d formerly kept it in a bob around her jawline, but it was approaching too long for regs now, so she generally had it up in a bun which changed the shape of her face a bit. It was enough with most aliens to throw them off and humans tended to give her a wide berth anyway. 

Time stretched and compressed as they fought the invaders. Joker peered out to check their status and let her know that Weaver’s fever was holding steady and she asked him to take over trying to reach Garrus, Sidonis, or Melenis. He shouted an affirmative and locked the door again. If nothing else, she wished she could get Joker and Weaver to safety. They were little better than civilians at this point and the idea of losing one or both of them twisted her insides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics, "Warriors" by Imagine Dragons. https://youtu.be/5cNa3MVjS2I


	13. Warriors, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time will come when you'll have to rise above the best, improve yourself. Your spirit never dies.   
> Farewell, I've gone to take my throne above. Don't weep for me ‘cause this will be the labor of my love.   
> Here we are. Don't turn away now. We are the warriors that built this town.

A rocket flew into the base and exploded against the back wall below Shepard, shaking the compound. Voices called up to let her know they were all right. They may have been Garrus’ team, but she was humbled by how quickly they’d come together to follow her orders. If they’d been military, she wouldn’t have questioned it, but a group like this tended to follow only those to whom they were loyal. She could argue that they were afraid of Garrus’ wrath if he came back and discovered that they’d refused her, but they knew as well as she did that he might not come back at all. They weren’t just trying to save their own skins, either, or they’d have run at the first sign of trouble. 

No. This was a team. They were a family and they were taking care of each other. She felt a swell of pride for Garrus as she loaded a new heat sink. He’d come so far from the idealistic, embittered, naïve, jaded, brash, young C-Sec officer she’d met in the Presidium two and a half years ago. He was a leader that people followed because they believed in him and believed in what he was doing. He hadn’t lost his idealistic streak, but it had been tempered with a layer of realism that had replaced his cynicism. He had grown up and she was damn proud of the man he’d become. Now, if he’d just get his ass back home.

“We got movement in the tunnel, boss,” Vortash said through the comm.

“Try to hold them off,” she said. “The other team is going to need a way back in. Keep the route open as long as you can, but blow it if you have to.” Garrus would understand and agree with the call. It was more important to keep the mercs out than to get them in. They could wait it out or find another way into the base if they had to. She could certainly use more fighters, especially with Weaver down, but she’d held off bigger forces with fewer people before. 

“We got mechs,” Grundan informed her. 

“Heavies?” she asked.

“Not yet,” he said. 

“Ripper, give them a hand,” she said. “I think we’ve got enough ground truth not to need the feed anymore.” 

Ripper wasn’t a fighter, but she could hack the mechs and temporarily give them more guns on their side. She could also deploy a drone and a turret that would help the rest of them hold the bridge. Even with the four on the ground and herself up here, there were plenty of targets to go around. The mercs could keep throwing bodies at them indefinitely. She was going to have to start rotating people out to rest before long. 

“Shepard…read me…? Trap…. Sidonis…. Safe?” Garrus’ voice stuttered over the comm line.

“Garrus? Can you read me?” she asked.

“…barely hear…Blood Pack…trouble.”

“The mercenary groups are raiding the base,” she said, hoping he could hear her. “Go through the tunnels, but be prepared for resistance. Vortash and Erash are on the other side.”

“…firmative…there soon…careful.”

The connection cut, but it was enough to let Shepard know he was alive and on his way. “Vortash, Erash, did you catch that? Garrus is on his way. I don’t know about Sidonis or Melenis. Can you hold a little longer?”

“No concentrated attack so far,” Erash said. “Mostly Blood Pack. Nothing we can’t handle.”

“Keep it up,” she said and turned her attention back to the bridge as another rocket flew across it and exploded at the entry to the compound.

“Sensat’s down!” Mierin shouted. 

“Monteague!” Shepard said. 

“I’m there!” he answered. “Damn it. She’s gone!”

“Shit!” Shepard cursed. “Take her spot. Leave if you need to treat wounded, but cover for her otherwise.” She’d liked Sensat, though she hadn’t known her well. The woman had been enthusiastic and tough. She debated calling down to Erash, but decided it could wait. He didn’t need the distraction now. 

The sound of the turret below changed and Shepard heard its rounds smack into the wall. She was dismayed but not surprised when Monteague called up, “They got Ripper, too!”

_Hurry, Garrus,_ she urged. She no longer had the numbers to allow the others to take shifts, which meant they were going to get tired and they were going to get sloppy. If she let them break one at a time, they might be able to handle it. “Monteague, I need you to be my runner for the moment. Restock, get nutrigel in everybody, and then relieve Mierin.” Grundan and the asari had been out there the longest, but Grundan wouldn’t rest yet and Mierin would need real food if she could get it to fuel her biotics.

The asari slid in beside her a few minutes later and ripped open a pack of nutrigel before putting it between Shepard’s teeth. She followed it with a canteen of water with a straw. “Thanks,” Shepard said. 

“I checked on Weaver. She’s sitting up and her fever’s down, but she’s still weak. I told her to stay in bed.”

“Good call,” Shepard said. 

“Butler!” Monteague’s flanged voice broke on the name. 

Shepard and Mierin looked at each other in dismay. “Nalah,” Mierin whispered. 

Shepard shook her head and pushed the pain down as she took another shot and another merc went down. Ripper and Sensat had hurt, but Butler was on another level. He was former Alliance. He was a colony kid. He was the first one to get her jokes and references to home. He and Nalah had been trying for so long to have a child and he’d finally become a father. It wasn’t right that he be torn from them for the crime of trying to make the station a better place. He was about to get out. A few days from now, Archangel would have been disbanded and they’d have gone their separate ways. He’d been talking about moving his family back home to Horizon. If the mercs had just waited a few damn days... 

She choked down the lump in her throat and accepted another sip of water from Mierin, who said, “Guess I need to get back down there.”

“Go,” Shepard said hoarsely. “Be careful.”

“Come on, pyjaks!” Grundan shouted as he charged across the bridge. “Bring it!”

She had three below and herself up here against hundreds. _Think, Shepard. You took down Saren and the geth. You took down Sovereign. You can handle a group of damn mercenaries._ She needed to beat them back. She needed to give her people a break. It was time for a blitzkrieg. She issued a series of orders into the comm as she ran downstairs, gathering up every bit of heavy weaponry she could find. The others met her at the entry and she doled out supplies. 

Mierin erected a biotic bubble around the four of them and Shepard moved to the front with Grundan and Monteague beside her. They fired at the mercs who poured over the barricade, driving them back to their own fallback. Shepard’s team fetched up against their cover and Mierin allowed the barrier to drop. Monteague and Grundan rose with rocket launchers in hand and fired into the crowd. Shepard and Mierin reloaded the weapons until their rockets were gone and then traded places with the men. Shepard clasped Mierin’s hand and drew dark energy through her body, across her shoulders, and down her arms. She felt it mingle with Mierin’s beside her and gave a nod. They threw their free hands out, sending a wave of energy cascading through barricades and bodies, throwing their enemies back. 

Mierin dropped to her knees, panting heavily, and Shepard joined her. She popped her overheated amp out and tucked it into her armor. She didn’t think she’d fried it, but it hurt her skull when it got too hot and she wasn’t willing to risk brain damage again after everything she’d been through. “One more barrier?” she gasped.

Mierin nodded. “Give me a minute.”

Shepard dragged herself to her feet and joined Monteague and Grundan in firing on the stragglers that were left after their display. She didn’t fool herself into thinking it was all of them and she didn’t let herself believe it was over, but they had bought time and, better yet, they’d instilled fear. She hadn’t known if she could combine her shockwave with Mierin’s flare, but she’d thought it worth a try and it had worked. She doubted she’d be able to do it again and she never would have been able to do that on her own, but they didn’t know that. 

“Let’s go,” Mierin said.

Shepard turned and looped an arm around the asari’s waist. The biotic bubble appeared around them again. The turian and krogan covered them as the four of them crossed the bridge. Shepard could barely support her own weight and Mierin’s, but she forced herself to keep going. They might have time for a real ration pack, and if not, she could take a stim. 

They reached the base and Shepard stumbled to her room. “Joker, Weaver, we’re moving upstairs. Come on.”

“You need help,” Weaver said, pushing herself into a sitting position.

“We’ve got this,” Shepard said. “I need to know you two are safe.”

“I’m not a little kid,” Weaver insisted.

“No, but you are sick,” she said. “Your biotics will be useless and you can’t use a sniper rifle. We’ll need you rested if they manage to get through.” No way in hell was she letting Weaver fight unless she had no other choice, but the girl needed to feel useful. Shepard could understand that.

Joker and Weaver hobbled together up the stairs. Grundan stationed himself at the bottom, insisting that he was better able to charge in the open room than he would be in the cramped barracks. Shepard agreed and motioned Mierin and Monteague to the balcony. She dragged herself up after them and sealed the door to the upstairs bedroom so that it would look unused if the invaders made it this far. Of course, if they made it this far, everyone was probably screwed. 

The basement door opened and Shepard peered over the balcony, expecting to see the batarian or salarian. Instead, Garrus and Melenis ran in, looking wildly about the room. He spotted Grundan and then looked up and caught her eye. The relief in his face conflicted with the anger and fear she saw in his eyes. He pounded up the stairs with Melenis hard on his heels and wrapped his arms around her. Melenis ran past, calling for Mierin. “Vortash and Erash filled me in. You okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, leaning into him. “Just tired. Mierin and I just pulled off a biotic miracle.”

“You need food,” he said and began pulling her toward the stairs again.

She stopped him with a hand on his arm. “We have rations up here. Garrus…we’ve taken some losses.”

“Who?” he asked in a wavering voice. 

“Sensat, Ripper…Butler. I’m so sorry, honey.” She looked around. “Where’s Sidonis?”

Grief flashed in his eyes when she listed their dead, but his face hardened at the mention of the other turian. “He’s a damn traitor,” he snarled. 

Her heart sank. “What happened?” 

“We found the coordinates he’d sent, but there was nothing there. Nothing. No Sidonis. No Blood Pack. No guns. It didn’t make sense until I got your message.” He put his forehead against hers and took a shuddering breath. “I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn’t been here. If we’d both gone….”

“They’d have handled it,” she said, bringing her hand up to his mandible. 

He shook his head without lifting it and said, “No. I don’t think so. They needed a leader. They needed you.”

“You’re their leader, Garrus,” she said. “I’m just the XO.”

“Not today,” he said. “If you hadn’t been here, I’d have come back to an empty base. I never even questioned him, Shepard. I knew he sounded off, but it didn’t occur to me…”

“I didn’t, either,” she said. “Even when the mercs attacked, I thought they’d set up the gun running operation as a lure to get us away from the team. Divide and conquer. Don’t blame yourself, sweetheart. We’ve suffered losses before and we’ve gotten through it. We got through Ash. We’ll get through this, too.”

“You’re always so certain,” he said. “I wish I had that.”

“It’ll come,” she said. “Now, come in and let your people see you.”

He pressed his stiff lips to her forehead in a human kiss and drew her into the bunkroom. The others were splayed around the room, reloading weapons, wolfing down ration packs, guzzling water, sorting through their supplies. Melenis stood guard at the front window and Mierin at the back. Melenis glanced over when they came in and said, “They’re regrouping, but look like they’re waiting for something.”

“Go eat,” Garrus said, putting his hand on her lower back and giving her a gentle push. “I’ve got this.”

She sank down onto the floor beside Monteague and leaned her back against the couch. He ripped open a levo ration pack and passed it to her. “Do I look that bad?” she asked.

“No comment, ma’am,” he said with a weak smile. 

“I’m sorry about Butler,” she said.

“Not your fault,” he said, shaking his head. “If you hadn’t been here….”

“You’d have come together,” she said.

“Under who?” he asked. “Garrus, you, and Sidonis are our leaders.”

“You or Butler would have stepped up.”

“And when one of us fell, the rest would have collapsed,” he said. 

“Boss?” Vortash said.

“Yes,” Shepard and Garrus answered together. Shepard gave him a sheepish grin.

“We’ve got movement. A lot of movement.”

“Blow the tunnel and seal the doors,” Garrus said.

“I don’t know if that’s going to be enough,” Vortash said. 

“Then seal the shutters, too, and fall back to the main floor,” Garrus said.

“I don’t think you’re hearing me, boss,” Vortash said. “There’s at least a hundred of them. We can keep ‘em down here, but if we fall back, you’ll be overrun.”

“Movement on the bridge,” Melenis said.

“Vortash!” Mierin shouted and bolted for the door. 

Shepard caught her by the arm. “Mierin, wait!” 

Mierin looked down at her and said, “If it was Garrus, what would you do?”

Shepard looked over at him and said, “Move heaven and Earth.” Her hand loosened on the asari’s arm. “Good luck. Grundan! Go with her.”

“Mierin!” Melenis shouted. “You can’t go down there! They’re going to blow the tunnels!”

“And I can shield them!” Mierin said. 

“You know you can’t hold against that kind of an explosion,” Melenis said. “And we need biotics up here. Please, don’t leave me.”

Mierin ran to Melenis and hugged her tightly. “Love you.” 

She turned and bolted down the stairs. Grundan followed her through the door and Melenis sank to the floor with her back to the window. “She’s going to die,” she whispered. 

“Maybe they can push them back,” Monteague said, going to the window. “If they can get in far enough, they can seal the doors before it blows.”

“Against a hundred Blood Pack?” Melenis asked. “They’re good, but they’re not that good. Garrus, how could you just let her go?”

Garrus looked at Shepard and said, “If it was Shepard, nothing would stop me. I’d rather die with her today than live a hundred years without her. I can’t deny that of Mierin.”

Monteague said, “Looks like break time’s over. We’ve got Eclipse at the bridge.”

“Blue Suns?” Shepard asked.

“Some of those, too,” Garrus said, “but not enough. What are they up to?”

Shepard heard the rattle of gunfire and felt the compound rock with the force of the explosion as they blew the tunnels. They had one way out now. Across the bridge crawling with mercs. It was Alamo time. Last stand and all that. She tried not to reflect that the people defending the Alamo had died to the last man. That wasn’t going to happen to them. She’d gone up against Saren and his army with only Garrus and Tali. They had far more people than that this time.

A roar behind her had Shepard rolling into cover before she consciously registered the sound. Garrus dove behind one of Tali’s planters and the others scrambled to get out of the way as glass shattered and flew into the room. Heavy bullets thudded into the room and buried themselves deep into the walls. Concrete shattered, creating shrapnel. Shepard covered her head with her arms and kicked her barrier up. 

“Shepard!” Garrus said, rolling into cover beside her. “Cover me!”

She pushed her barrier out from herself so that it enveloped him as well. Mierin had taught her how to do that. She tried not to think about that as Garrus stood and took aim with his sniper rifle. Shepard felt the bullets slam into her barrier and focused on hardening it instead. Garrus’ rifle cracked and he ducked down again. The disabled gunship whined and fell. 

“Blue Suns in the base!” Melenis shouted, throwing a warp through the window. 

Monteague ran around to the balcony by the stairs and the asari joined him. Shepard and Garrus took up position at the window with their sniper rifles and began to fire on the mercs crossing the bridge. The gunship had served its purpose, pinning them down long enough to get people through. Now, it was the four of them against the tide. But Garrus was by her side and even an army of mercenaries wasn’t enough to keep them down.

“We don’t have enough thermal clips,” he said, low enough that it wouldn’t travel to the others.

“I know,” she said.

“The bridge is an advantage now. It just funnels the witless idiots into scope. But it’s going to work against us when we try to get out and we’ll be weighed down with Joker.”

“I know,” she said.

“Thoughts?” he asked.

“What do you think, Agent Vakarian?” she asked.

“We can’t leave him behind,” he said.

“No, we can’t,” she agreed. “So, what do you think we should do?”

“Only you would decide to make this a teaching moment,” he grumbled as his rifle cracked.

“Every moment is a teaching moment,” she said. 

“Take out as many as we can and then take our chances?” he asked. “But where do we go?”

“We’ll cross _that_ bridge when we come to it,” she said. “Even if we have to steal a ship.”

They fell into an alternating rhythm of stand, fire, cover, reload. Slowly, the tide began to turn. Fewer Blue Suns came over the barricade. Monteague and Melenis took turns running thermal clips, food, water, and stims between waves. Shepard and Garrus fed each other from nutrigel and ration packs and passed heat sinks to each other while the other took their shots. Shepard popped her amp back in and added her biotics to Melenis’, creating explosions as often as her amp would allow. 

“They’re hiring freelancers,” she told Garrus when the next wave came over the barricade in a motley collection of mismatched armor.

“Finally,” he said. “I was hoping for a break.”

The basement door opened beneath them and Melenis shouted, “Grundan! Is Mierin—”

Shepard didn’t have to hear the krogan’s reply to have the answer. Melenis dropped to her knees and began to sob. Monteague stepped into her place. Grundan thundered up the stairs and into the barracks room. His armor was bathed in blood and his red eyes were more exhausted than she’d ever seen them. He ripped into a ration pack with his teeth and poured it down his throat without stopping to chew. He swallowed and said, “Did my best. They didn’t make it. Basement’s clear, though, and the shutters are closed. No one’s getting in that way.”

Sensat. Ripper. Butler. Erash. Vortash. Mierin. Sidonis, for he was a dead man walking even if he was still alive at the moment. More than half their team gone in a day. Grundan shook his massive head and downed another ration pack before stomping down the stairs again. He stormed across the main room and she heard his roar echo up from the bridge. Half their team. Was this going to be Akuze all over again? Was she going to lose them all? Grundan, Melenis, Monteague? Weaver? Joker? _Garrus?_ She’d rather die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics, "Warriors" by Imagine Dragons https://youtu.be/5cNa3MVjS2I


End file.
